darkforcerising | OPEN POST

"No."

He was reminded as he answered that question honestly that he had told Bail that he was not alright and needed help after Order 66. That it was Bail in the room with he and Yoda when he'd all but broken down - shaking, nearly yelling at Yoda in something close to hysteria.

He didn't think anyone else - not living, not dead - would have ever had any reason to expect an answer to that particular question.

"But I'm not so far from it that I don't expect you to want and need answers, or to not be... confused."

That did douse Bail's frustration for the time being. His long experience in the Senate and in his personal life had taught him to recognize when the needs of others outweighed personal feelings. There was an order to putting things back to right - if he had a motto, that would clearly be it.

"Is this something I can help you with?" he asked calmer, concerned.

"I don't know," he admitted, blinking a little in confusion. He had expected more questions. He had not expected that question. After a moment or two, though: "I don't want to put you or your family at greater risk than being part of this thing already has. But I need a break - we both do - somewhere less hostile than Tatooine and I would very much like to see Leia. Ideally with Anakin."

Bail was ready with an answer for the first request, but Obi-Wan finished and he shut his mouth. He knew Obi-Wan would never knowingly endanger Leia. And he trusted Obi-Wan with his and his family's lives.

But Anakin...

"You're asking a lot," he said, and he was very sure he didn't have to explain what tipped the request over the edge.

"I know I am asking a lot of you emotionally. I think you know by now that there is no more practical risk from him than there is from me."

Because in many ways, Anakin was the rebellion. All that intel....

was him.

"Do I?" Bail asked, no antagonism in his voice, but inquisitive. "I won't ever profess to say I understand how the Force works." He'd been given a crash course education on Zigoola. It that was unconventional for someone outside the Jedi Order, but he'd learned a few things. "How does the Dark Side make Vader? And how does the Light Side make, well, you?"

"Those aren't easy questions, and they don't have easy answers." He appreciated the vote of confidence, though, however undeserved it was at the moment. "I wish they did. The truth of it is, the Force doesn't make anyone anything. What you find in the Force is what you are - and in that regard what you are is what you feel. The Dark Side didn't make Vader; Tatooine, the Jedi, Palpatine and I all made Vader. He was angry and afraid and became steadily more so with Palptaine's manipulations both personally and politically, and the rest of us never managed to give him what he needed to be anything else. Eventually it consumed him and when he reached into the Force the Dark was what was there for him to use."

Okay that's more the psychology than the metaphysical but it isn't really untrue, either.

Bail did not miss that Obi-Wan said nothing about himself. But, he would indulge Obi-Wan's prefered subject for now.

"And what makes this Anakin different?" Bail asked. "You told me he has- had all of Vader's memories."

What was he supposed to say about himself? Even if he hadn't had that... 'lost his mind' experience, recently, he wouldn't know.

He made a low noise and glanced at Bail and then back out to the passive ship.

"He has all of Vader's knowledge and memories, but they aren't all he has and he didn't gain them all at once. He isn't someone who simply picked up where Vader left off. He is someone who lived and died as Vader, then lived as someone else entirely. Someone free to grow, to learn, to love and to attach to his heart's content. He couldn't be Vader again if his life depended on it. No more than you could go back to being a child."

Bail listened. But of course, had more questions. "Is it really that much out of your control? Life gives you set experiences and that determines what part of the Force is there for you? If you're a savior or a monster?" His questions were partially curiosity, partially selfish. What was in store for Leia?

"I've no idea, Bail, I'm only a man and a man who was Darth Vader's Master, at that. Vader is only a man, albeit an incredibly angry and powerful one. I don't believe that anyone is immune from falling, whether they've any awareness of the Force or not, and I don't believe it's inevitable that anyone do so." What was in store for Leia? He had no idea. "All any of us can do is the best that we can do and... hope that it's enough."

"Do you think that's what Vader does?" Again, Bail was worried about Leia. Leia was Vader's daughter. He worried about many things for her - one was what were familial predispositions and what was choice. He did not wish for Leia to grow up to be an incredibly angry adult.

"The best he can do?"

And he worried about her safety. He was still trying to determine what this new Anakin represented - a threat to Leia's safety? Or a benefit?

"In a sense, I suppose, though I doubt either of us would consider it any sort of best." He paused and looked back - and up - to study Bail's face. "Have you been with me long enough, yet, to understand some of the fundamental tenants of the Jedi?" Because some - most even - had very good applications outside the Order and made a good deal of sense.

Bail wouldn't argue with that.

"What I know about the tenets of the Jedi are what you've told me. Jedi were not exactly open to the Republic's review." Even to friends. But it's not admonishment, Bail respected Obi-Wan. He understood, at the most basic, that faith was personal, and only for the holder to share, not something he could take from them.

"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering." A pause, because that wasn't what he'd intended to say, but it seemed at least as appropriate as where he'd originally intended to begin, and possibly more so. "Fearing the future, fearing the possibilities, fearing loss will prevent you from seeing what is here, in front of you, now. It will lead to you treating your daughter differently, at best. I know it's nearly impossible, but you need to see what is before you now - and while it applies to Anakin as well, I speak primarily of Leia."

Bail leveled a look at Obi-Wan. "You wouldn't be trying to say I am driving my daughter to the Dark Side by not allowing Anakin to visit her, would you?"

"What? No!" He was insulted and it showed clearly in his express and his tone. " I would not manipulate you that way. It's... abhorrent." More so now than it would have been... before.
"I am telling you that if you fear her parentage too much you'll treat her unfairly and you're too good a man to do that. Don't be afraid of who she may become, love her for who she is now. That is all."

He had to ask. And he could back off with that answer.

He held up his hands, a token for peace.

"Alright, I take your point," he said. "You can trust me when I say my love for my daughter is without limits."

But, putting everything Obi-Wan said together, and what he'd picked up over the years, he wondered if there was something of self-admonishment in Obi-Wan's rebuke. Not that he would ask about that right now.

Yes. Yes there was self-admonishment in his rebuke.

Not that he was going to elaborate right now.

"So. If you aren't going to grant one request - at least now - can you grant the other?" Moving on. With effort.

He shouldn't be this tired, and standing and talking to Bail he -

was trying not to compare the entire bloody rebellion to a slow motion Zigoola. That was dramatic. He wasn't inclined to drama. Why was he -

Oh, right. "...and maybe one other, much simpler, favor."

"I haven't refuse any request," it was Bail's turn to look offended, though not as much Obi-Wan had been, because Obi-Wan looked worse for wear. He'd argue he'd been within his rights to proceed cautiously and make an informed decision. But as he was now clearly consenting, he left the argument assumed, rather than spoken.

He reached out to Obi-Wan.

"Sit and tell me your final request so we can figure out how to grant them all."

"Oh."

Just that. Just... surprise and confusion because....

Well, because it was probably better to read silence as refusal rather than agreement, he supposed.

He looked around when Bail reached, not withdrawing but not seeing further touch, either, spotted the nearest chairs and moved toward them.

Paused and smiled, wryly. "The last is easy. Don't mention Zigoola to Anakin. He has no idea. My pride would like it to stay that way." Not really pride, actually just...

Anakin has enough shit in his head. Though that one... maybe it would make him feel less responsible for what had happened on that Destroyer?

"Obi-Wan, of course I will keep your confidence," Bail said reassuringly, taking a chair next to him. "He will not hear about Zigoola from me."

He paused long enough to let that reassurance sink in.

It did surprise him that Obi-Wan hadn't Anakin- whatever version of him. But he kept that shock to himself.

"But, my advice, as someone happily married, take it or don't, but it's better if you don't keep secrets from your partner."

He wasn't quite sure how to take it. The implication - that Bail realized there was a relationship there that he was comparing to his own marriage and therefor not simply the working sort of partners - was clear.

The problem was he had no idea how to feel about that. Guilty was how he should, and largely did, feel. On the other hand, there was no... condemnation there, and why would there be? Bail wasn't Jedi. His only issue, if there was one, would be with who Anakin was, not that there was... 'attachment' there.

And, truthfully, just then, not having to navigate around it was a relief.

Guilt (or shame?) and relief were a strange mix of emotions, that didn't reconcile well, but they were what he had and he was, finally, letting go of enough of his conditioning to at least weaken the... sense of shame around breaking rules of an Order that no longer existed.

"No, and it never worked very well when he was someone else either," he admitted, "though I wasn't the one keeping most of the secrets. He knows it happened. He's going to have to know just a bit more, but the last thing I want to do is have it turn into yet another thing he finds a way to blame himself for. Though... maybe I can use it to help him blame himself less. I don't know, but thank you." Sincere, that, because it had helped him think something through that he would not have managed on his own. "How is Breha, by the way? How are you?"

Edited (new words) 2020-03-13 06:19 (UTC)

Bail wasn't going to touch the blame issue. It made no sense to him that Anakin would blame himself for something he had no part in. But he at least understood the reason behind Obi-Wan telling Anakin, rather than himself.

"Breha is doing well. She wishes she could do more for the Rebellion." But, Bail didn't need to explain, Alderaan couldn't take a stand against the Empire yet. It was one planet compared to whole swaths of the galaxy.

"I'm as well as I can be." Did he have to explain how exhausting appearing to be a loyal senator while forming a rebellion against an empire was? Not to mention, husband, father, and friend.

"After you've rested, you can help me figure out how to smooth over your small theft." There was just enough to his tone to say he was not mad, maybe a bit impressed, but he certainly needed the help. "And tell me what you want to do with it."

He did not have to explain, though Obi-Wan did feel guilty for baldly asking this man to make some kind of arrangement so that he and Anakin could have a reprieve from strategy and fighting somewhere that wasn't Tatooine.

"I'm sorry. If there was a way I could end this sooner I would. You're carrying far more weight than any of us; you're carrying us." As for the ship, he had to shrug, slightly. "For now, likely leave it with the former prison ship. We'll see to get it manned to some degree, but I don't think there's a current active plan for it, beyond having irritated the daylights out of Vader." Which was important, dammit.

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