darkforcerising | OPEN POST

"Oh, I know what I did - now." As in, he knew what he'd said, and what had happened. "That doesn't mean I have more than a very, very academic understanding of why and no, I had no idea your presence was a contributing factor, though I should have."

Which was not dismissal. He actually just figured it out then, because he was able to put the first statement into play to provide context for what he'd done.

"I see," Bail nodded. "What is your very academic understanding of why- If you're willing to discuss it."

"Calling you Leia's dad to comfort you hurt him." He actually shrugged, though he was absolutely bothered. At himself.

But he had said it was academic so if Bail wanted more Obi-Wan was going to flounder and probably drown.

Bail nodded again, relieved that Obi-Wan caught at least that much.

"Is it a fair guess you don't know why it hurt him?"

He felt fairly well tested, or quizzed.

Fortunately, most people in his life had done the same to him and it wasn't a thing he got defensive about, just uncertain and... tentative, under a veneer of relative confidence.

"Because it ...was dismissive?"

"That's... a small part of it," Bail said and sighed, and tipped his head to start them walking again.

"I think... I am as much to blame for this, because I was so hesitant to trust Anakin even though you told me many times that I should. I was willing to benefit from his help- through you, with the rebellion, but I wasn't willing to actually acknowledge that for my own reasons. And they might have been understandable reasons, but even understandable reasons can unintentionally hurt someone."

That was a bit of a detour to finally get to what he really meant to say.

"When you said what you did, I realized Leia has two fathers. We can count the number of people who know that on one hand... I'm the the only one who gets to acknowledge that she is my daughter."

"Three," he said, though he did so reluctantly. "Her third father is why you are the only one who can be acknowledged as her father, or who can acknowledge her."

He did - sort of, vaguely, understand the hurt that would cause Anakin. He knew it was valid. It was just sympathy rather than empathy. Other than very literally feeling what Anakin felt, he could not truly understand.

He didn't even understand real parent and child relationships at all, much less complicated ones.

That left him frustrated, with himself, as well as guilty and sad for Anakin on another level (along with the one about being unable to acknowledge his children). Because he wanted to cross that gap and-

He just. couldn't. seem to. Not entirely.

"Yes, three."

Bail took another deep breath, because here he was, thinking he'd acknowledged all that he ought to, and Obi-Wan proved him wrong.

While he absolutely would not trust Leia's third father with anything, and he knew no one would fault him for that, he did have the ability to empathize, even with Vader - imagine that - because he knew how painful it would be to lose Leia.

"Your concern was well intended," he said. "And I do appreciate it."

"My concern wasn't my mistake," he agreed. "My mistake was assuming that what Anakin knew wasn't as removed from what he felt as it was. I know better."

The other thing he knew was that Anakin was not - and this one had never been - any sort of Jedi and really he should stop lapsing into treating him as though he were. Not that it would solve all - or likely even most - of their problems. He didn't know what to do with people who weren't either Jedi or soldiers or, in a pinch, a politician.

Anakin really did deserve better.

Anakin deserved his kids - or barring that, because he couldn't imagine taking Luke and Leia from the families they knew - to go home.

Bail tried a smile to cheer up Obi-Wan, and said, "The wonderful thing about love is that it forgives honest mistakes." He didn't care if that was maybe too bold, he still felt Obi-Wan needed to hear it.

"Yes." It wasn't really too bold. Well, maybe it was but he'd accept a lot of 'bold' from Bail. He was pretty sure Anakin would forgive him, now that it had been said, though- "But at what point shouldn't it?"

"Obi-Wan," Bail said directly. "By omission you implied he wasn't Leia's father in an well meaning attempt to comfort a friend. This is not the stuff that breaks philosophical debates about the boundaries of unconditional love."

"Mm. But is it when it's a symptom of some sort of lack of ability?" He was asking rhetorically and shrugged. "I don't know. I'm reasonably confident Anakin and I will be as fine as we can be."

Bail shook his head. "If this is the worst you'll ever do in your relationship, then you'll have a very successful relationship."

"...I don't think you understand quite how far the gulf between what I academically understand and what I can reasonably empathize with goes. I care, but that doesn't mean I will ever really understand with Anakin, anymore than I did the other who became Vader. And I don't know what to do about it."

Because fuck all if he wasn't trying.

And Bail thought Obi-Wan was greatly undervaluing himself.

"No one is born knowing how to have a relationship with someone else," Bail pointed out. "Everyone has to learn it for themselves."

"That is very true, and of course every relationship is different." He paused and then got a bit more blunt. "I'm still behind the curve, possibly more than you realize. I know how to navigate relationships with other Jedi. I have never been close to the sort of relationship I am trying to have now; I was younger than Leia when I was given to the Temple."

"I see," Bail said, schooling himself so his personal judgment wouldn't carry through.

That put things into stark perspective. And he had many questions, but he wasn't sure what was respectful to ask and what wasn't. Like, did Obi-Wan even know who his parents were?

"Do you want this relationship?" Bail asked instead.

Bail had seen him hallucinating, vomiting, and in the process of dying. Bail had used Obi-Wan's own lightsaber to burn him - repeatedly - to help him focus. They were past the point of worrying about respect, as far as Obi-Wan was concerned.

"I'm more concerned with what's good for Anakin than what I want."

"Hmm, let's assume," Bail said. "For the sake of the argument, that you are, in fact, what's good for Anakin. We'll come back to that. Do you want this relationship?"

He blinked and tried not to feel like he was making some kind of inappropriate and nodded, slightly. "Yes."

He had to work to keep from it sounding like a question too. The result was a little... flat, but it was there.

"Good. That's a significant portion of what it takes to be in a relationship. The truth is, there is no age limit to learning how to have relationships with others." Now getting back to what was good for Anakin. "What does Anakin want?"

"I have no idea." That wasn't true but it wasn't something he could sum up neatly. Also - kind of protective of Anakin.

"He hasn't said, or done anything that gives you a general idea of what he wants?" Bail asked skeptically.

"That isn't what I said." Because he wasn't - "But be more precise. Are you asking if he wants this relationship? Yes."

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