darkforcerising | OPEN POST

He wasn't sure, in retrospect, that he hadn't had some very uneasy feelings about Palpatine overall, but had discounted them because they were ... irrational. He'd had a moment of deep unease on the loading dock, but-

Well, too late for that, now, though yes, he blamed himself for much of what had happened. He also blamed Palpatine. Who he was almost entirely incapable of seeing in any way responsible was Anakin. Maybe someday.

Meanwhile.

"I've just realized that I might have, even if inaccurately, drawn a conclusion between your nightmares and the Dark Side. I've had precognitive feelings and the odd dream for the entirety of my life; I learned early to pay them very little attention." No regrets about that one, actually. "I doubt I would have taken your dreams seriously on that level, but one of the most lasting issues from that Light foresake planet with Bail was that I could not sleep without vivid, continual, nightmares. I think I may actually have recognized - or believed I recognized - that."

When Obi-Wan finished explaining his realization, Anakin leaned in to kiss him.

"I should have come to you for help. You wouldn't have failed. Not like you think." Because you always think so little of yourself, Obi-Wan.

He was bemused by the kiss - though of course returned it because he liked Anakin kissing him - and the statement.

"I still have no 'then what'," he pointed out, "even in theory or hindsight." It wasn't really much of an argument there, because he was tired.

And - "And I still don't know what not pretending I'm fine means."

"Just knowing that you believed me would have helped enough."

Anakin kissed him again because Obi-Wan had kissed him back. He'd been taking extra care to match what Obi-Wan was willing to give him since the Star Destroyer.

"It just means admitting you're not fine." Really that simple.

He was pretty erratic in what he was willing to give. Sometimes it was almost simple and easy, others he was trying to crawl out of his own skin and reluctant to so much as touch Anakin.

Right now he was pretty distracted, and pretty tired, and it made it much easier to give in to what he wanted. Which was physical affection, both giving and receiving, with and from someone he trusted and loved.

"I am really, really, tired." That was not fine. "I am afraid of using sedatives for a lot of reasons, and only one of them has anything to do with dependency. I also really, really, don't want you to be afraid."

Anakin couldn't say he wasn't afraid. But he did feel better after talking with Obi-Wan: or really, getting Obi-Wan to talk. It was a step - a small step, but a step - in the right directions.

"Why are you afraid of using sedatives?"

"Because when I was on Zigoola one of the things Bail suggested I try to be able to block the voice in my head out was alcohol. It worked in blocking the voices, but it also dropped my defenses so badly that I immediately collapsed for several hours of 'nightmares' and memories that... may or may not have been directly related to the artifact. I don't want to experience that again."

Hey, he was definitely continuing to be honest, even if he'd really like to stop and be useful to Anakin.

...maybe he should get Leia in here for him. He'd have to be present and that felt risky, on some level, but -

"You know that not all drugs work the same, right?" Anakin pointed out. "Mine primarily stop me from recognizing I'm dreaming so I can sleep."

"I did not have the faintest idea that there were drugs that worked that way." That was a really appealing prospect. "I have used most of the sedatives available here, though, primarily to get me into a Bacta-Tank. ...They're terrible." Sort of. They tend to sort of trance most Jedi down and that's... reasonably okay when you're not currently recoiling from... Dark Side contamination. Or maybe they'd still be fine?

Edited 2020-03-14 21:22 (UTC)

"The Jedi didn't exactly have an extensive mental health program," Anakin pointed out, only slightly judgmental.

"I don't think my meds would block out any Force visions. But basically, they do help the process of organizing working memory so it doesn't get stuck in short term storage where you're constantly reacting to the same memory over and over.

"... I'm not going to force you to take anything, least of all something that makes you feel vulnerable, but until I can figure out how to help you using the Force, if you want to take any of it, you can."

"It does make me feel vulnerable but no more than I already do. I believe your explanation and I trust you." A pause. "I don't want to take medication you need away from you." He was still being completely honest and still touching Anakin, with that same rhythmic, circular, motion.

"...I also want sleep. Maybe if I can get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep I can teach you what you need to use the Force for it. It isn't complicated."

"I can get more when we get back to Tatooine. And I was going to give you half a dose, anyways. It can be really effective so it's better to start at the smallest dose possible." And, he didn't add, Obi-Wan's trauma was definitely more recent and pressing than his own, which he'd been working on for years now. He could meditate, whereas he knew Obi-Wan hadn't even tried since the Destroyer.

"I'll stay right here with you, the whole time."

He is pretty hesitant, still, but the hesitation really is in trying to weigh the repercussions of losing that medication to Anakin, versus the repercussions to Anakin from worrying about his lack of sleep and having to deal with an increasingly more sleep deprived and therefore unstable partner.

In the end, he considered the decision as best he could, and reached a conclusion that should probably be obvious.

"All right. I'll try but you don't have to stay here and watch me take a nap."

Anakin kissed Obi-Wan again. "I said I'd stay here, not watch you. Maybe I'll take a nap, too."

He sat up and scooted off the bed. "Don't fall asleep, I'll be right back."

Anakin was only a few minutes grabbing his meds and finding something in the kitchen to cut the pill and then to grab a glass of water. He bet the water here tasted amazing.

And then he was back by Obi-Wan's side of the bed offering him the cup and the half pill.

He returned the kiss softly and slowly, then sat up when Anakin got up, so he wouldn't risk dozing off while he waited. He didn't expect it to take as long as it did, and it ended up being a good thing that he sat up; he was exhausted enough that he probably would have fallen asleep while waiting.

He looked up when he felt Anakin coming back, took the cup and half-pill when offered to him. He swallowed without complaint and actually drank the entire cup of water. He didn't need it to take the medication, but it did taste good and he was thirsty.

"I hope you do nap. How long will this take to work?"

Anakin crawled back into the bed next to Obi-Wan and rolled half onto Obi-Wan, nuzzling the side of his face into Obi-Wan's chest.

"It metabolizes quickly, it will start working before you drop into REM sleep. I'll be here when you wake up, I promise."

He would probably take a nap himself, the weight of just everything the last few days was finally catching up with him.

He reminded himself that he believed and trusted Anakin, accepted the affection and wrapped one arm over Anakin's waist. He left it intentionally lose enough to allow Anakin to move freely if he chose, but was currently still very accepting of contact and touch.

He closed his eyes in response to the nuzzle, made a noise of agreement in his throat and could feel how tired Anakin was, as well as his own exhaustion.

He reflexively fought sleep a little - already a habit, although not a strong one - but was still asleep within minutes.

Anakin woke up before Obi-Wan, but he let Obi-Wan stay asleep. It was still mostly dark out, the first rays of sunlight lining the horizon still in the future. Instead, he played app games on his phone until he felt Obi-Wan stirring next to him. Then he put his phone away and curled into Obi-Wan.

He carded his finger through Obi-Wan's hair and said, "Good morning," when Obi-Wan finally opened his eyes.

Obi-Wan, exhausted and asleep, actually ... looked younger rather than older. Probably something to do with the loss of the Jedi mask and defenses that came with it; something int he vulnerability.

He ended up curling in on himself a little in his sleep, but he did it turned toward Anakin and he slept heavily and well, thanks to Anakin's medication.

He woke up slowly, yawning and stretching back toward Anakin's hand a little. "Hey. I thought you said you weren't going to look at me," he said, sleepy and mostly teasing.

Obi-Wan did look younger in his sleep, and it was endearing. Not that Anakin would say it out loud.

"I said I wouldn't watch you. I've only been looking at you the last few minutes," Anakin smiled, and kept his hand in Obi-Wan's hair. "Not long enough to be considered watching."

He wanted to ask how Obi-Wan was feeling, but he knew he'd pushed Obi-Wan out of his comfort zone before they'd slept. He could ask later.

"Looking at instead of watching...." He was a little amused by that. He rolled more onto his side and toward facing Anakin, and glanced out the window. "Did you actually manage to get some sleep, then?"

"Mhmm," Anakin said. What he was feeling in the Force eased his fear a great deal.

"Yes, I just woke up about a half hour ago. And I told you I'd be here when you woke up."

He was still not meditating and even reaching into the force very much was a thing he didn't much want to do but... he wasn't shielding from Anakin and at the moment he was both pretty groggy and comfortably content. It was, really, a refreshingly simple state.

He rolled closer to Anakin and nuzzled into him, physically being affectionate and not quite checking the impulse. He had before. He would again. Not right now. "Leia's going to come see you later...."

Anakin stopped moving his hand through Obi-Wan's hair. Not upset, but needing to have that confirmed before he would believe it.

"Really?" When he asked that, his voice sounding small, way too hopeful.

He smiled, very slightly. "Yes. Really. Of course, really. Not for hours, probably." It felt like the middle of the night, "but you're going to see her." Because it was important to Anakin and because he loved Anakin and also just because... it should be.

Edited 2020-03-15 01:33 (UTC)

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