darkforcerising | OPEN POST

"I don't mind telling you, but I don't really think it's all that interesting. I woke up, used our Force connection to follow you, got myself onboard, tried to use the Force, couldn't get past my own fear and anger to reach anything but the Dark Side - and used it."

...That was a very accurate retelling, actually. It was lacking some things, and he wasn't unwilling to talk more, but it was the sort of debrief he'd give the Council and what he assumed Anakin would want.

That was not what Anakin had wanted, but he didn't scold Obi-Wan for giving a different answer. He just asked more questions.

"Why were you so afraid and angry?" He could guess at it, but it was better if Obi-Wan said it.

"When I was trying to tell Yoda and Mace why the Council ordering you to spy on Palpatine was such a mistake, I tried to explain your level of loyalty to them. I pointed out that if I could end the war one day sooner I would sacrifice even Yoda to do so and that I knew that Yoda would do the same - but that not only would you not do that, you would do anything within your power to get me back." He paused. This was awkward. It still, even now, felt like an admission of some sort of failing. Left over from talking to Yoda when it very much had been one. "I told him I would do the same for you. Even then. Now? I didn't even hesitate. And I'd do it again."

That did make Anakin afraid, for Obi-Wan's sake. And he didn't try to hold back that emotion.

"Obi-Wan," Anakin said with compassion and empathy, because he understood. "You'll always have me, unless you lose yourself. Even if I die, I'll be there, waiting for you to get there, too. And I don't mean as some amorphous, undefined existence in the Force. I literally mean, I will be waiting for you. You don't have to be afraid of losing me."

Those were words that would have benefited him a lifetime ago regarding his mother and Padme.

"Yes, I know." Qui-Gon. He knew, very literally, or as literally as he could at this stage of things, and he believed that.

It didn't... really matter to him for this. It was attachment, yes, and a near desperate fear reaction to being that attached, and an admission of a total lack of balance -

but it was also more complicated than that, or just his own feelings. There was a lot wrapped up in him, emotionally, in not letting anything happen to Anakin and how much more and better Anakin deserved than he'd had. But also in Anakin's role in the Resistance, somewhere in there.

"I'm fine, Anakin." And if he's not? There are more important things - and people. He was trying to reassure Anakin, because he didn't like Anakin afraid.

"Do you really think I'll just believe that?" he asked quietly. "I've been in your place before, I know what it feels like. I know you're not fine. And it's okay, Obi-Wan. Being not fine doesn't mean I'll leave... But I don't want you to pretend. That's only going to lead to things being really not fine."

"I'd rather you just believe that, than to be afraid." It's a very, very, honest answer and spoken with a total lack of eloquence. "I don't necessarily expect you to believe that I am okay, but I really don't know what else to be, either, and I really don't want you to be afraid."

"Ya, you know that's not how I function," Anakin said with a small smile. 'Believe and not be afraid' has never been Anakin's motto, no matter where he was.

"I'm afraid I'll lose you," Anakin said, hoping bold honesty would help. "Because indefinitely pretending things are fine when they are not won't make things okay. It almost always makes it worse."

"I don't want you to lose me. I don't want to be lost, either. That doesn't give a... practical course of action. What do you wish you had done?"

Maybe that'll both provide some advice - and give him some more insight into Anakin's specific fears. Either way, the bed was comfortable, the air and light felt good, and they had touch. It was... nice when the conversation itself was uncomfortable.

"I wish I'd told you," Anakin said without even needing to think about it. "I wish I'd told you about the Raiders. About the visions I was having of Padme dying. About the way Palpatine made me feel. I thought if I just kept it together long enough, we'd finish the war, and Padme and I could leave for Naboo. I wish I'd realized I was falling apart and it wasn't all my fault or something I could fix on my own, that I needed you and Padme." And Ahsoka. "I wish I'd gotten help from you."

"I wish I had as much faith as you seem to in me knowing making a meaningful difference." Because he has thought about it. "I knew about your dreams about your mother. I was less than useful, then. I still don't know if your dreams were truly premonitions or if they were things created by Palpatine, though knowing how you felt about him might have at least raised the question sooner." He wasn't avoided talking about himself, at all, he was just struggling through some dredged up stuff. Stuff dredged up by the Dark Side, and even talking with Bail.

Anakin had to admit lot of little choices had led to his fall. Not going to Obi-Wan for help was just one of thousand decisions that added up to the disaster that was his first life.

"What would you have done if I'd come to you about my dreams of Padme dying?"

"I suppose it depends," he admitted. "In this scenario do I suspect Palpatine of being a problem, or do I still think he's providing you with something you need but I'm incapable of giving?"

Anakin tried not to smile, because of course Obi-Wan would diminish his significance in this. But Anakin couldn't blame him - how much had he, himself, contributed to that mindset.

"In this scenario you are the competent, level-headed man that you are. The person I love and trust, who loves and trusts me back. You were important to me back then as you are now... When Palpatine told me who he was, my first thought was to talk to you... I asked Master Windu to let me message you on Utapau, but he wouldn't allow it. A big part of Palpatine's success was removing my access to you."

"I know that a good part of his success - and his plan - was to separate us. I fully believe that he tried to kill me multiple times. I think Dooku inadvertently saved my life on Genosis." That was entirely out of nowhere, and - hey, at least he acknowledged that he'd mattered enough to be part of the picture and for Palpatine to want him out of it, but. "I literally compared him to your uncle at one point, Anakin, when Mace was starting to doubt him. I thought you needed ... family and that I couldn't be that."

That said, he knew it wasn't the bulk of the question and good grief he got chatty when he got in bed with Anakin. He rubbed his thumb in idle circles on Anakin's hip, just because his hand was there and he wanted to. "If I'd known about the dreams, I would probably have dismissed them, initially. If I'd understood the degree to which they were interfering with your ability to sleep-"

He trailed off and actually looked and felt startled. He'd get back to it, but - there was a realization in there.

Anakin hadn't protested one bit when Obi-Wan's thumb wandered under the hem of his shirt.

"I told you when I first showed up. Palpatine worked on you the same he did me. He carefully created this image that he was a harmless person." He wished Obi-Wan would see how much more Palpatine was to blame for everything (not that Anakin relinquished his own guilt, but they weren't talking about Anakin's guilt here).

Anakin noticed Obi-Wan abruptly stop talking.

"What?"

He wasn't sure, in retrospect, that he hadn't had some very uneasy feelings about Palpatine overall, but had discounted them because they were ... irrational. He'd had a moment of deep unease on the loading dock, but-

Well, too late for that, now, though yes, he blamed himself for much of what had happened. He also blamed Palpatine. Who he was almost entirely incapable of seeing in any way responsible was Anakin. Maybe someday.

Meanwhile.

"I've just realized that I might have, even if inaccurately, drawn a conclusion between your nightmares and the Dark Side. I've had precognitive feelings and the odd dream for the entirety of my life; I learned early to pay them very little attention." No regrets about that one, actually. "I doubt I would have taken your dreams seriously on that level, but one of the most lasting issues from that Light foresake planet with Bail was that I could not sleep without vivid, continual, nightmares. I think I may actually have recognized - or believed I recognized - that."

When Obi-Wan finished explaining his realization, Anakin leaned in to kiss him.

"I should have come to you for help. You wouldn't have failed. Not like you think." Because you always think so little of yourself, Obi-Wan.

He was bemused by the kiss - though of course returned it because he liked Anakin kissing him - and the statement.

"I still have no 'then what'," he pointed out, "even in theory or hindsight." It wasn't really much of an argument there, because he was tired.

And - "And I still don't know what not pretending I'm fine means."

"Just knowing that you believed me would have helped enough."

Anakin kissed him again because Obi-Wan had kissed him back. He'd been taking extra care to match what Obi-Wan was willing to give him since the Star Destroyer.

"It just means admitting you're not fine." Really that simple.

He was pretty erratic in what he was willing to give. Sometimes it was almost simple and easy, others he was trying to crawl out of his own skin and reluctant to so much as touch Anakin.

Right now he was pretty distracted, and pretty tired, and it made it much easier to give in to what he wanted. Which was physical affection, both giving and receiving, with and from someone he trusted and loved.

"I am really, really, tired." That was not fine. "I am afraid of using sedatives for a lot of reasons, and only one of them has anything to do with dependency. I also really, really, don't want you to be afraid."

Anakin couldn't say he wasn't afraid. But he did feel better after talking with Obi-Wan: or really, getting Obi-Wan to talk. It was a step - a small step, but a step - in the right directions.

"Why are you afraid of using sedatives?"

"Because when I was on Zigoola one of the things Bail suggested I try to be able to block the voice in my head out was alcohol. It worked in blocking the voices, but it also dropped my defenses so badly that I immediately collapsed for several hours of 'nightmares' and memories that... may or may not have been directly related to the artifact. I don't want to experience that again."

Hey, he was definitely continuing to be honest, even if he'd really like to stop and be useful to Anakin.

...maybe he should get Leia in here for him. He'd have to be present and that felt risky, on some level, but -

"You know that not all drugs work the same, right?" Anakin pointed out. "Mine primarily stop me from recognizing I'm dreaming so I can sleep."

"I did not have the faintest idea that there were drugs that worked that way." That was a really appealing prospect. "I have used most of the sedatives available here, though, primarily to get me into a Bacta-Tank. ...They're terrible." Sort of. They tend to sort of trance most Jedi down and that's... reasonably okay when you're not currently recoiling from... Dark Side contamination. Or maybe they'd still be fine?

Edited 2020-03-14 21:22 (UTC)

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