darkforcerising | OPEN POST

"Yes, I know." Qui-Gon. He knew, very literally, or as literally as he could at this stage of things, and he believed that.

It didn't... really matter to him for this. It was attachment, yes, and a near desperate fear reaction to being that attached, and an admission of a total lack of balance -

but it was also more complicated than that, or just his own feelings. There was a lot wrapped up in him, emotionally, in not letting anything happen to Anakin and how much more and better Anakin deserved than he'd had. But also in Anakin's role in the Resistance, somewhere in there.

"I'm fine, Anakin." And if he's not? There are more important things - and people. He was trying to reassure Anakin, because he didn't like Anakin afraid.

"Do you really think I'll just believe that?" he asked quietly. "I've been in your place before, I know what it feels like. I know you're not fine. And it's okay, Obi-Wan. Being not fine doesn't mean I'll leave... But I don't want you to pretend. That's only going to lead to things being really not fine."

"I'd rather you just believe that, than to be afraid." It's a very, very, honest answer and spoken with a total lack of eloquence. "I don't necessarily expect you to believe that I am okay, but I really don't know what else to be, either, and I really don't want you to be afraid."

"Ya, you know that's not how I function," Anakin said with a small smile. 'Believe and not be afraid' has never been Anakin's motto, no matter where he was.

"I'm afraid I'll lose you," Anakin said, hoping bold honesty would help. "Because indefinitely pretending things are fine when they are not won't make things okay. It almost always makes it worse."

"I don't want you to lose me. I don't want to be lost, either. That doesn't give a... practical course of action. What do you wish you had done?"

Maybe that'll both provide some advice - and give him some more insight into Anakin's specific fears. Either way, the bed was comfortable, the air and light felt good, and they had touch. It was... nice when the conversation itself was uncomfortable.

"I wish I'd told you," Anakin said without even needing to think about it. "I wish I'd told you about the Raiders. About the visions I was having of Padme dying. About the way Palpatine made me feel. I thought if I just kept it together long enough, we'd finish the war, and Padme and I could leave for Naboo. I wish I'd realized I was falling apart and it wasn't all my fault or something I could fix on my own, that I needed you and Padme." And Ahsoka. "I wish I'd gotten help from you."

"I wish I had as much faith as you seem to in me knowing making a meaningful difference." Because he has thought about it. "I knew about your dreams about your mother. I was less than useful, then. I still don't know if your dreams were truly premonitions or if they were things created by Palpatine, though knowing how you felt about him might have at least raised the question sooner." He wasn't avoided talking about himself, at all, he was just struggling through some dredged up stuff. Stuff dredged up by the Dark Side, and even talking with Bail.

Anakin had to admit lot of little choices had led to his fall. Not going to Obi-Wan for help was just one of thousand decisions that added up to the disaster that was his first life.

"What would you have done if I'd come to you about my dreams of Padme dying?"

"I suppose it depends," he admitted. "In this scenario do I suspect Palpatine of being a problem, or do I still think he's providing you with something you need but I'm incapable of giving?"

Anakin tried not to smile, because of course Obi-Wan would diminish his significance in this. But Anakin couldn't blame him - how much had he, himself, contributed to that mindset.

"In this scenario you are the competent, level-headed man that you are. The person I love and trust, who loves and trusts me back. You were important to me back then as you are now... When Palpatine told me who he was, my first thought was to talk to you... I asked Master Windu to let me message you on Utapau, but he wouldn't allow it. A big part of Palpatine's success was removing my access to you."

"I know that a good part of his success - and his plan - was to separate us. I fully believe that he tried to kill me multiple times. I think Dooku inadvertently saved my life on Genosis." That was entirely out of nowhere, and - hey, at least he acknowledged that he'd mattered enough to be part of the picture and for Palpatine to want him out of it, but. "I literally compared him to your uncle at one point, Anakin, when Mace was starting to doubt him. I thought you needed ... family and that I couldn't be that."

That said, he knew it wasn't the bulk of the question and good grief he got chatty when he got in bed with Anakin. He rubbed his thumb in idle circles on Anakin's hip, just because his hand was there and he wanted to. "If I'd known about the dreams, I would probably have dismissed them, initially. If I'd understood the degree to which they were interfering with your ability to sleep-"

He trailed off and actually looked and felt startled. He'd get back to it, but - there was a realization in there.

Anakin hadn't protested one bit when Obi-Wan's thumb wandered under the hem of his shirt.

"I told you when I first showed up. Palpatine worked on you the same he did me. He carefully created this image that he was a harmless person." He wished Obi-Wan would see how much more Palpatine was to blame for everything (not that Anakin relinquished his own guilt, but they weren't talking about Anakin's guilt here).

Anakin noticed Obi-Wan abruptly stop talking.

"What?"

He wasn't sure, in retrospect, that he hadn't had some very uneasy feelings about Palpatine overall, but had discounted them because they were ... irrational. He'd had a moment of deep unease on the loading dock, but-

Well, too late for that, now, though yes, he blamed himself for much of what had happened. He also blamed Palpatine. Who he was almost entirely incapable of seeing in any way responsible was Anakin. Maybe someday.

Meanwhile.

"I've just realized that I might have, even if inaccurately, drawn a conclusion between your nightmares and the Dark Side. I've had precognitive feelings and the odd dream for the entirety of my life; I learned early to pay them very little attention." No regrets about that one, actually. "I doubt I would have taken your dreams seriously on that level, but one of the most lasting issues from that Light foresake planet with Bail was that I could not sleep without vivid, continual, nightmares. I think I may actually have recognized - or believed I recognized - that."

When Obi-Wan finished explaining his realization, Anakin leaned in to kiss him.

"I should have come to you for help. You wouldn't have failed. Not like you think." Because you always think so little of yourself, Obi-Wan.

He was bemused by the kiss - though of course returned it because he liked Anakin kissing him - and the statement.

"I still have no 'then what'," he pointed out, "even in theory or hindsight." It wasn't really much of an argument there, because he was tired.

And - "And I still don't know what not pretending I'm fine means."

"Just knowing that you believed me would have helped enough."

Anakin kissed him again because Obi-Wan had kissed him back. He'd been taking extra care to match what Obi-Wan was willing to give him since the Star Destroyer.

"It just means admitting you're not fine." Really that simple.

He was pretty erratic in what he was willing to give. Sometimes it was almost simple and easy, others he was trying to crawl out of his own skin and reluctant to so much as touch Anakin.

Right now he was pretty distracted, and pretty tired, and it made it much easier to give in to what he wanted. Which was physical affection, both giving and receiving, with and from someone he trusted and loved.

"I am really, really, tired." That was not fine. "I am afraid of using sedatives for a lot of reasons, and only one of them has anything to do with dependency. I also really, really, don't want you to be afraid."

Anakin couldn't say he wasn't afraid. But he did feel better after talking with Obi-Wan: or really, getting Obi-Wan to talk. It was a step - a small step, but a step - in the right directions.

"Why are you afraid of using sedatives?"

"Because when I was on Zigoola one of the things Bail suggested I try to be able to block the voice in my head out was alcohol. It worked in blocking the voices, but it also dropped my defenses so badly that I immediately collapsed for several hours of 'nightmares' and memories that... may or may not have been directly related to the artifact. I don't want to experience that again."

Hey, he was definitely continuing to be honest, even if he'd really like to stop and be useful to Anakin.

...maybe he should get Leia in here for him. He'd have to be present and that felt risky, on some level, but -

"You know that not all drugs work the same, right?" Anakin pointed out. "Mine primarily stop me from recognizing I'm dreaming so I can sleep."

"I did not have the faintest idea that there were drugs that worked that way." That was a really appealing prospect. "I have used most of the sedatives available here, though, primarily to get me into a Bacta-Tank. ...They're terrible." Sort of. They tend to sort of trance most Jedi down and that's... reasonably okay when you're not currently recoiling from... Dark Side contamination. Or maybe they'd still be fine?

Edited 2020-03-14 21:22 (UTC)

"The Jedi didn't exactly have an extensive mental health program," Anakin pointed out, only slightly judgmental.

"I don't think my meds would block out any Force visions. But basically, they do help the process of organizing working memory so it doesn't get stuck in short term storage where you're constantly reacting to the same memory over and over.

"... I'm not going to force you to take anything, least of all something that makes you feel vulnerable, but until I can figure out how to help you using the Force, if you want to take any of it, you can."

"It does make me feel vulnerable but no more than I already do. I believe your explanation and I trust you." A pause. "I don't want to take medication you need away from you." He was still being completely honest and still touching Anakin, with that same rhythmic, circular, motion.

"...I also want sleep. Maybe if I can get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep I can teach you what you need to use the Force for it. It isn't complicated."

"I can get more when we get back to Tatooine. And I was going to give you half a dose, anyways. It can be really effective so it's better to start at the smallest dose possible." And, he didn't add, Obi-Wan's trauma was definitely more recent and pressing than his own, which he'd been working on for years now. He could meditate, whereas he knew Obi-Wan hadn't even tried since the Destroyer.

"I'll stay right here with you, the whole time."

He is pretty hesitant, still, but the hesitation really is in trying to weigh the repercussions of losing that medication to Anakin, versus the repercussions to Anakin from worrying about his lack of sleep and having to deal with an increasingly more sleep deprived and therefore unstable partner.

In the end, he considered the decision as best he could, and reached a conclusion that should probably be obvious.

"All right. I'll try but you don't have to stay here and watch me take a nap."

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