darkforcerising | OPEN POST

Obi-Wan returned the kiss, warm and deep but incredibly lazily. It was probably not a surprise that in a stable, safe, location with a lot of life thrumming in the force around him and physically uncomfortable lack of sleep started to catch up with him.

He stopped himself from falling asleep, but not with a violent start, just -

"There's something you need to know before we sleep."

Anakin pulled back. "Alright." He had enough sense not to make a joke. He brushed Obi-Wan's hair back, following the curve of his ear. "What is it?"

He tilted his head slightly with the touch, because he was pretty comfortable and tired and moving with it was just... nice? easy? Both?

"That wasn't the first time I'd used the dark side; it wasn't your fault, in any respect."

Anakin was shocked to stillness by Obi-Wan's confession and the weird mix of emotions that came with it. He tried to hold as much of his emotions back because they weren't exactly relevant, they were an initial reaction. And Obi-Wan was trying to be open with him - which was a painfully rare occurrence.

"When?" he asked, moving his hand down to Obi-Wan's.

He nudged gently at Anakin in the Force, along that bond they'd developed. He didn't try to get to the emotions Anakin was withholding, but he did want Anakin to know it was okay to feel things.

He threaded his fingers through Anakin's, but kept his grip light and breakable.

"The trip Bail and I took at the start of the war."

Anakin was confused for a second, because it took him a moment to remember when that was. And it took him a while because he wasn't fully informed about it until after it happened. And even then he didn't get much detail. Those were old aches and he tried all the more to keep his feelings back - he knew he was allowed to feel things, but this wasn't about him.

"You never told me about it, what happened?"

He was rapidly remembering why he hadn't wanted to have this conversation and realizing maybe convincing himself that it would be useful was a mistake.

He was also not entirely sure of that.

Maybe he was learning something about how hurtful having things kept from you could be. Even if it was for protection - or more practical reasons.

Maybe.

"The security system for the Sith temple we were investigating was a... telepathically projecting artifact, specifically targeted toward Jedi. The planet itself was, of course, entirely steeped in Darkness. I spent a good deal of time not... coherent, I suppose. At one point I hallucinated and was very much using the Dark Side." No, not as bad as choosing that he'd done on the Star Destroyer, but it wasn't like he was some avatar of Light before then.

Whatever weird, confusing mix of emotions Anakin was feeling solidified into something non-threatening and dissolved into concern.

He shifted closer to Obi-Wan and resumed stroking his fingers through his hair.

"I don't think being affected by a Dark Side artifact is your fault."

He was pretty confused by the concern - that was years ago, even for him. The fingers in his hair were nice, though, even nicer than the pure luxury of the mattress under him.

"I could argue with you about that, but I don't think it would be a productive use of time. The point is that I have used it before, though I did not decide to. I did this time, making it worse," as in a worse failing, "but the familiarity was already there."

Anakin didn't take his hand away.

"Do you want to tell me what happened this time, all of it, yet?"

"I don't mind telling you, but I don't really think it's all that interesting. I woke up, used our Force connection to follow you, got myself onboard, tried to use the Force, couldn't get past my own fear and anger to reach anything but the Dark Side - and used it."

...That was a very accurate retelling, actually. It was lacking some things, and he wasn't unwilling to talk more, but it was the sort of debrief he'd give the Council and what he assumed Anakin would want.

That was not what Anakin had wanted, but he didn't scold Obi-Wan for giving a different answer. He just asked more questions.

"Why were you so afraid and angry?" He could guess at it, but it was better if Obi-Wan said it.

"When I was trying to tell Yoda and Mace why the Council ordering you to spy on Palpatine was such a mistake, I tried to explain your level of loyalty to them. I pointed out that if I could end the war one day sooner I would sacrifice even Yoda to do so and that I knew that Yoda would do the same - but that not only would you not do that, you would do anything within your power to get me back." He paused. This was awkward. It still, even now, felt like an admission of some sort of failing. Left over from talking to Yoda when it very much had been one. "I told him I would do the same for you. Even then. Now? I didn't even hesitate. And I'd do it again."

That did make Anakin afraid, for Obi-Wan's sake. And he didn't try to hold back that emotion.

"Obi-Wan," Anakin said with compassion and empathy, because he understood. "You'll always have me, unless you lose yourself. Even if I die, I'll be there, waiting for you to get there, too. And I don't mean as some amorphous, undefined existence in the Force. I literally mean, I will be waiting for you. You don't have to be afraid of losing me."

Those were words that would have benefited him a lifetime ago regarding his mother and Padme.

"Yes, I know." Qui-Gon. He knew, very literally, or as literally as he could at this stage of things, and he believed that.

It didn't... really matter to him for this. It was attachment, yes, and a near desperate fear reaction to being that attached, and an admission of a total lack of balance -

but it was also more complicated than that, or just his own feelings. There was a lot wrapped up in him, emotionally, in not letting anything happen to Anakin and how much more and better Anakin deserved than he'd had. But also in Anakin's role in the Resistance, somewhere in there.

"I'm fine, Anakin." And if he's not? There are more important things - and people. He was trying to reassure Anakin, because he didn't like Anakin afraid.

"Do you really think I'll just believe that?" he asked quietly. "I've been in your place before, I know what it feels like. I know you're not fine. And it's okay, Obi-Wan. Being not fine doesn't mean I'll leave... But I don't want you to pretend. That's only going to lead to things being really not fine."

"I'd rather you just believe that, than to be afraid." It's a very, very, honest answer and spoken with a total lack of eloquence. "I don't necessarily expect you to believe that I am okay, but I really don't know what else to be, either, and I really don't want you to be afraid."

"Ya, you know that's not how I function," Anakin said with a small smile. 'Believe and not be afraid' has never been Anakin's motto, no matter where he was.

"I'm afraid I'll lose you," Anakin said, hoping bold honesty would help. "Because indefinitely pretending things are fine when they are not won't make things okay. It almost always makes it worse."

"I don't want you to lose me. I don't want to be lost, either. That doesn't give a... practical course of action. What do you wish you had done?"

Maybe that'll both provide some advice - and give him some more insight into Anakin's specific fears. Either way, the bed was comfortable, the air and light felt good, and they had touch. It was... nice when the conversation itself was uncomfortable.

"I wish I'd told you," Anakin said without even needing to think about it. "I wish I'd told you about the Raiders. About the visions I was having of Padme dying. About the way Palpatine made me feel. I thought if I just kept it together long enough, we'd finish the war, and Padme and I could leave for Naboo. I wish I'd realized I was falling apart and it wasn't all my fault or something I could fix on my own, that I needed you and Padme." And Ahsoka. "I wish I'd gotten help from you."

"I wish I had as much faith as you seem to in me knowing making a meaningful difference." Because he has thought about it. "I knew about your dreams about your mother. I was less than useful, then. I still don't know if your dreams were truly premonitions or if they were things created by Palpatine, though knowing how you felt about him might have at least raised the question sooner." He wasn't avoided talking about himself, at all, he was just struggling through some dredged up stuff. Stuff dredged up by the Dark Side, and even talking with Bail.

Anakin had to admit lot of little choices had led to his fall. Not going to Obi-Wan for help was just one of thousand decisions that added up to the disaster that was his first life.

"What would you have done if I'd come to you about my dreams of Padme dying?"

"I suppose it depends," he admitted. "In this scenario do I suspect Palpatine of being a problem, or do I still think he's providing you with something you need but I'm incapable of giving?"

Anakin tried not to smile, because of course Obi-Wan would diminish his significance in this. But Anakin couldn't blame him - how much had he, himself, contributed to that mindset.

"In this scenario you are the competent, level-headed man that you are. The person I love and trust, who loves and trusts me back. You were important to me back then as you are now... When Palpatine told me who he was, my first thought was to talk to you... I asked Master Windu to let me message you on Utapau, but he wouldn't allow it. A big part of Palpatine's success was removing my access to you."

"I know that a good part of his success - and his plan - was to separate us. I fully believe that he tried to kill me multiple times. I think Dooku inadvertently saved my life on Genosis." That was entirely out of nowhere, and - hey, at least he acknowledged that he'd mattered enough to be part of the picture and for Palpatine to want him out of it, but. "I literally compared him to your uncle at one point, Anakin, when Mace was starting to doubt him. I thought you needed ... family and that I couldn't be that."

That said, he knew it wasn't the bulk of the question and good grief he got chatty when he got in bed with Anakin. He rubbed his thumb in idle circles on Anakin's hip, just because his hand was there and he wanted to. "If I'd known about the dreams, I would probably have dismissed them, initially. If I'd understood the degree to which they were interfering with your ability to sleep-"

He trailed off and actually looked and felt startled. He'd get back to it, but - there was a realization in there.

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