darkforcerising | OPEN POST

"To be honest, I was. But I can be afraid of multiple things at once. My emotions are complicated like that."

Now that he was this much closer to Obi-Wan, he didn't want to let go. Mostly because it was freezing out. And for other reasons he didn't want to examine right now.

"You're warm, don't move, I can go to sleep like this."

"I don't blame you. I did fling you into a wall, and that's not even beginning to approach the worst of it." That he doesn't want to talk about. Think about it. Deal with much at the moment.

"I'm not letting go." He did drop his head so his nose was in Anakin's hair, because it was easier to breathe warm air and - well. Because. "If you can sleep, sleep."

Anakin wanted to ask what Obi-Wan considered 'the worst of it', but he wasn't lying. He was comfortable, and warmer this way, and his eyes were finally willing to close. He would ask tomorrow, maybe, if he could pin Obi-Wan down again - pin in the sense of getting the man to talk about emotional things.

He was asleep a few short seconds after Obi-Wan was done speaking.

He hadn't been lying when he said he wasn't afraid of Anakin as he was, or as he could be. That didn't mean he trusted himself at all, especially not his subconscious.

So he evened his breathing, slowed his heart-rate, closed his eyes and -

meditated instead of slept.

It worked, Anakin got a peaceful night's sleep and Obi-Wan got to feel him sleep and get somewhat rested himself. Enough that in the morning he was only slightly awkward in getting out of the bed, and not at all by the time they had breakfast.

From there there was one goal for the day (one acknowledged). "I think it's safer for you to get the parts than me." That was true, absolutely. "I can't imagine we want to freeze another night if we can avoid it."

Anakin was eating his meal packet as fast as possible. Not because he was in any rush, but that's just who he was.

Without suspecting a thing, he asked, "Do you have something specific you want to trade with them? Or do you want me to pick through that pile I was making yesterday?"

"You can pick through the pile if you like. There is a variety of currency here." NOt much, but he had to be able to live, and there were limits to that when there were no Jedi to rely on, status or social support. "Take what you need. As long as we wind up with a functioning here, it will be worth it. Though be careful."

He would ...not handle something happening to Anakin very well.

He nodded. Off the top of his head he could think of at least five things the Jawas would value for trade. "Do you have a pack for carrying everything?"

He snorted. "What's the worst that will happen? Probably a terrible sunburn." He looked up. "I'm kidding! I'll keep my skin covered. Promise."

He looked pointedly up at his own hair. Yes, a terrible sunburn and yes keep your skin covered. He'd been here... three days? four? himself. Time is blurring more than it should.

He took a deep breath and nodded. "There's a carrying bag under my bed. Take it and a second cloak. Your clothes aren't terribly unusual but they may draw some questions if they're too exposed. And take water."

Anakin rolled his eyes and shoveled more food as Obi-Wan listed off all the things he needed to remember to do.

And then, without missing a beat, with perfect cadence and the deference of a padawan, he said, "Yes, Master. Of course I will take water." He knew exactly how he sounded.

He narrowed his eyes at Anakin. "If we weren't in a desert, I'd dump that water on your head."

That was... both hysterically funny, and deeply uncomfortable. He really couldn't decide which it was more of.

Anakin didn't even try to hide the grin on his face.

Something had changed last night. He didn't know what, but they'd reached a kind of easy comfortableness between them. It wasn't the banter they'd used to share back when they were both Jedi - it was 'back when' for Anakin at least. Anakin could never wear that mantle again, he knew. But they weren't each bracing for the impact their words might have on the other.

Anakin finished the meal packet, and went to fish out the pack and cloak. He started picking out pieces of machine he would bring with him.

"Don't get too bored without me, Old Man."

Something had changed last night.

Obi-Wan, for his part, was pretty sure that some of that was that Anakin remembered... everything that mattered to him, things that were hard to face but even harder to say and he'd have never been able to share with anyone who didn't already know. Anakin felt mostly like the Anakin he'd known and fought to be familiar, to be fun, to have that grin look right-

But there was a solidness, a stability and maturity in this man that he had never, ever, truly felt in the Anakin he'd trained. It inspired trust.

The combination?

It changed things.

"Oh, I won't be too bored," he promised. "Go off with you, and leave me and my creaking joints to organizing my food stores."

Yeah. Right. He had plans.

Edited (icon) 2020-01-11 04:19 (UTC)

"You need a hobby," Anakin called after himself as he left the front door, not suspecting a single thing.

He paused just outside the door, centering himself like he'd done so many times before. He knew how to use the Force as a guide, no public transportation here. When a direction came to mind, he started out. He headed east, and planned to keep along the southern border of the Dune Sea until he spotted the Jawas.

Obi-Wan busied himself with cleaning and organizing his living space until he was quite sure Anakin was gone.

Then he set out, in a direction he knew even without having to rely on the Force.

He went to visit Anakin's step-brother. He did not influence his mind with anything except a pretty intense guilt trip, and excessive amount of agreeableness and promises that he meant and would keep.

Which was why, by the time Anakin arrived back home, he was sitting inside, with a contentedly sleeping baby not quite hidden in the cloak he was still wearing. It was hot, but he'd used it to protect Luke from the sun, and now if he removed it he'd wake the baby.

Even he wasn't stupid enough to wake up a sleeping baby.

Anakin had trusted Obi-Wan. He'd left that morning thinking their conversation from the night before was settled. But at a certain distance out from Obi-Wan's hut, it was clear Anakin was wrong.

He could tell there were two living beings inside the building. Both familiar, but in very different ways. Obi-Wan, his friend turn infant kidnapper. And then the other felt like it resonated with Anakin's own sense of belonging in the Force, but so full of light in a way he knew he could never feel about himself.

At first he was angry. Luke needed to stay with his new family. That's where he would be protected and raised and given what he needed.

So it was with a loud presence that he opened the door and firmly said, "Obi-Wan, we talked about this-"

But all his words stacked up against each other in his throat the moment his eyes looked down to the infant in Obi-Wan's arms. Mesmerized, he walked slowly over to them to he could see his son closer, arrested with overwhelming emotion.

"We talked," he agreed, quietly, "But only one of us was listening. Owen knows where he is, and does not know you are here. I'll take him back this evening."

All very patient, calm sounding but actually watching Anakin with - well, really, deep satisfaction and a whole lot of other emotions, himself.

"So, if that covers all your reasons to object-"

He shifted Luke in his arms.

"Hold your son."

Obi-Wan was right, someone wasn't listening. Anakin barely heard a thing Obi-Wan was saying.

It had always been strange, these memories of this life. One night Anakin didn't remember a thing, and the next morning he'd wake up in love with someone he'd never met. Padme. Obi-Wan. Ahsoka. He all loved them in different ways. There was the time in his new life before he felt those feelings and then there was everything after.

One day he'd hardly considered the option of having a family. The next, there was Luke and Leia, and he was undeniably in love.

He never thought he'd be able to do this. Hold his own son.

The hate was the same as the love. That's why he was so afraid one day he might wake up consumed by it. And all his memories of Luke and Leia were tainted by a thing he'd let poison himself.

He was the reason he'd never had this before, in this life. The reason his children would never know him - the good him - or their mother. The reason their life would be so hard. The reason their galaxy so terrible.

And it wasn't until the first tear splashed on the back of his hand that he realized he was crying. Not the simple tear or two of expression from the day before. But truly sobbing crying.

He didn't know what to say or do. Surely he shouldn't continue holding an infant like this. He looked to Obi-Wan for help.

He should, he supposed, be very sorry to have made Anakin cry. Had it been the Anakin who became Vader, he would have been. He would probably even have been afraid of it.

He wouldn't have been able to cleanly articulate why, but the truth of it boiled down to one simple fact : That Anakin crying was never clean. It wasn't that Anakin's fault. It was the fault of the entire damned galaxy, including the Jedi in general and himself in particular.

This... was clean. It was a good thing, even.

He didn't take Luke from Anakin, though he did brush the back of one finger over a tiny cheek and sooth him with a gentle curl of reassurance in the force. Made sure he stayed happy and calm, as he'd done on the journey here, when he'd been the source of emotional upheaval that might have been upsetting.

Then he put a hand on each of Anakin's shoulders and helped by pushing him toward the chair he'd just left and saying "Sit down." Just that.

He'd been right last night.

This needed to happen.

All of it.

Including the tears.

Anakin didn't resist Obi-Wan guiding him to a chair, he just let it happen. The pack with the heater part landed at his feet, giving his arm more freedom, his hand the chance to really touch Luke's cheek and the smallest hand Anakin had ever seen.

He continued to cry, but as the minutes passed, the tears became more passive. They fell, but it no longer felt like something had burst open inside him, threatening to engulf him. Gratitude and love spilled those tears, not regret and guilt.

No matter the sight he must be, Anakin wouldn't trade this moment for any dignity.

Eventually he found the ability to speak again. "Even if I'd never fallen, the Jedi still would have lost me the first moment I held him."

He was not trying to mock Obi-Wan's experience this last week, he spoke only with reverence, this Anakin was remorseful about the fall of the Jedi. But it was the truth. He was sure he'd feel the same way about Leia if he held her. The birth of his children were always going to mark his exit from that period of his life.

"How are you doing this?" It was a question for Luke that pulled a laughing sob from Anakin. This person, so small, who did nothing more than look up at him and hold his finger, and Anakin was sure he was seconds away from losing his breath over the simplicity of it.

He leaned against the chair Anakin was sitting in and looked over his shoulder to watch Luke. He smiled, very slightly.

"Anakin, if you'd left the Jedi for this, I'd have packed your bag myself." He went quiet again, just watching the two of them together. His thoughts turned back toward what he'd been thinking before Anakin had left this morning.

About what had changed.

He carded his fingers absently through Anakin's hair.

"But it couldn't have been this, if you weren't this you."

He was still so raw by that loss and... maybe that clouded his perception. And maybe it made his view a little clearer than Anakin's could possibly be.

Edited 2020-01-11 06:47 (UTC)

That made the tears fall a bit more quicker for a moment. Because Anakin had lived through that hate and fear and pain for twenty three years. It was his choice, his fault, but he'd still lived it to get here.

"I know," he acknowledged. And then, just as heartfelt, "Thank you, Obi-Wan."

He smiled, slightly. "One day, one or the other of us will manage to put down some guilt. Maybe."

He didn't expect it to be any time soon.

He shook his head slightly, not rejecting the thanks but the idea that it was needed or deserved.

"I'm going to leave you alone to get to know one another." While there was time. "I have a heater to fix. His supplies are in the kitchen."

He gave Anakin's shoulder a squeeze and left them. On purpose.

He was not looking forward to having to take Luke back to Owen, but there'd be time to talk when he did - and after he did. There was not nearly enough time for Anakin to enjoy his child.

He'd say it again so that Obi-Wan might start to think he deserved it. "Thank you."

He both wanted to be selfish and keep that time with Luke to himself but also be generous and call Obi-Wan back.

Luke yawning, pulling all of Anakin's attention stopped him from calling Obi-Wan back.

Anakin sat silently with Luke for a span of time, without a clock around to show him the passage of time, he didn't know for how long. And it didn't matter.

But eventually, around the time his tears really stopped, Anakin started talking to Luke, and Luke stared back at him with blue eyes that were Anakin's, as if he were listening to him. Anakin was sure that that was not how babies worked, something about them still developing. But he still spoke to him because when was he going to get another chance?

"Hi Luke... I'm your father, I'm sorry this is the first time we're meeting... I made some dumb choices that took me away from you. I've regretted every minute of it and if I could take it all back, I would. I'm sorry we don't have a lot of time. So I guess I should teach you a few things... Never trust the Hutts, they only make deals that benefit them. Plus they're all slavers, which means they are scum... Your mother was a queen- the most kind and intelligent and beautiful woman I'd ever met... When you're older, go to Naboo, just seeing her home planet, you'll understand."

Luke started fussing so Anakin looked in the kitchen for his supplies, and finding a bottle he tested to see if this was what Luke wanted. It was. And leaning against the counter, Anakin continued talking.

"You'll never get to know your grandmother, but your Uncle Owen remembers her, ask him about her. She was amazing... If you ever want to leave Tatooine, though- take the opportunity. This place is a trash heap. There are so many other, better places in the galaxy. You could try Alderaan, go meet the princess there. Ask her when her birthday is. Put two and two together... You're going to love flying. There isn't anything more fun than flying, so any chance you get, take it. Don't worry about crashing, you're a Skywalker, we bounce..."

He continued listing off precious bits of wisdom until Obi-Wan came back.

Anakin looked up but had one more thing to say. "There's a crazy old man living at the edge of the Dune Sea. He's weird, but harmless and only wants the best for you. Same as I do... I love you."

And then it was time to hand over his son, and Anakin didn't want to, but he knew he had to do it.

He heard Anakin's voice as he made his reluctant way back inside. Bringing Anakin Luke had been a joy and a pleasure. Taking him away again was anything but.

He started making out some words as he got to the door, but it was only the very last he heard and that was enough.

It hit him squarely in the heart, and he nearly cried. Not because he cared about Luke - of course he cared about Luke and wanted the best for him - but every single word was Anakin, but... not. It was absolute love - without fear or a need to possess. It was trust in others - including him. It was also absolutely, completely, selfless.

It was a beautiful thing.

It was a beautiful thing that made the tragedy of Vader bite that much more deeply.

It was bittersweet.

There was almost no chance he would ever mistake the presence of one for the other. Days and those lines were being drawn, and drawn deeply.

"I have never wanted to do anything less than I want to take him away from you." He was going to do it, but he did not want to.

Edited 2020-01-11 07:48 (UTC)

Anakin had thought he was done crying. He'd been wrong. He knew he shouldn't be surprised about any of this: how painful it was to give Luke up. But sometimes foresight left him for living in the present. And it was probably better that he hadn't been thinking about this moment and just about spending time with Luke.

He took a deep breath, gave Luke a kiss on the forehead, trying not to cry all over the poor child, and placed Luke in Obi-Wan's arms. And he needed to immediately do something with his hands or they would betray him, so he turned and started gathering Luke's supplies for Obi-Wan to also take.

He knew he would be fine - he knew. He'd lived twenty-six years without being with Luke, he had been fine then and would be so again. And Luke would be fine, too. It was just hard to see that far ahead. Switching from living in the present to welcoming the future was monumentally difficult for him.

When everything was gathered, he had to step back, he had to move in a direction and it had to be deliberate. Away. Or it would be towards Luke and he knew he couldn't do that.

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