darkforcerising | OPEN POST

"Hmm?" Anakin looked up and waited for Obi-Wan to say what he needed to.

"When I was fourteen years old, a mission with Qui-Gon went very wrong and one of my friends was involved. Time was of the essence, someone was going to die -everything mission gone wrong entails. I became so panicked that I could not stand up, much less move. Qui-Gon had to literally sit on the floor and tell me to breathe until I unlocked enough to function."

This is all matter of fact. Possibly because it's damn close to a lecture.

"Vader and what he did undoubtedly did not make it any better, but this is not Vader's doing. It certainly isn't yours. I know that doesn't make the guilt go away, but please take a moment and internalize at least the possibility that you are not responsible for everything wrong, even here, and more importantly that you died as Vader and were reborn someone else."

How did Palpatine hide his emotions so well from all the Jedi? That sure could come in handy right? It wasn't fair when something he was likely to say to Obi-Wan was used against him.

But turn about was fair play.

"Only if you do it with me, Old Man." Obi-Wan was right, the feelings didn't just magically go away, but Anakin would work on it.

Now, if they were both present at the table...

"Do you want to hear my ideas?"

"I already internalized that you weren't Vader before you'd been here two days." That was what Anakin meant, right?

"I want to hear your ideas."

And to keep holding Anakin's wrist appare .

...Palpatine had hidden his feelings so well because the Jedi hasn't know him well enough.

Anakin leveled a look at Obi-Wan, because, no, that was not what he'd meant.

But he didn't pull back his arm.

"I don't just want to save Master Unduli - I do still want that. But I want that ship, too. Palpatine keeps anything Jedi related from all but a very few in the military leadership. Her transport will be classified so only a handful of people will even know it's happening.

"But that ship, those prisoner transports have heavy shielding and armaments, long range communication, and hyperdrive capabilities. They have the ability for long term housing. Order 66 worked because the Jedi were scattered, isolated, and for the most part, grounded. That's the strategy the Empire continues to use as it hunts down singular individuals.

"Let's change it."

"Taking the ship is a good idea - both for the long term benefits, and for the more immediate one: Force help me, but we cannot allow anyone from the Empire to leave that ship alive. There will still be reports, they will know, but we cannot afford first hand reports, witnesses, or any direct identification of either of us. Not unless what you actually want is a very unnecessarily complicated suicide or one or both of us becoming completely useless in our own cause."

The idea made him tired. 'go in and kill everyone' was not his preferred strategy. He didn't even like fighting. He gave everyone an opportunity to at least surrender, but that was... no longer an option. Even removing memories, when their ultimate enemy was a Sith Lord and his Apprentice was not going to be enough.

He also knew, perfectly well, he was telling Anakin he was going to have to do this and he knew that was going to be... hard.

Anakin had been worried this would be the hardest part to sell to Obi-Wan: the complete death of the crew. Of course they would kill the Inquisitor, Anakin hardly cared about them, didn't even blink when he was first thinking about this plan. But the crew was different - though they were aligned with the Empire, they were just doing their duty.

But he hadn't even needed to explain to Obi-Wan why they would have to kill all of them. He nodded, showing Obi-Wan he understood and accepted that difficult truth, too.

"Her guard will be Clones." Clones who could not, for the most part, control what orders they could and couldn't follow.

"Besides that, there will be the Dark Side user and no one else on that ship. Two of her guard will be selected for the pilot crew. They are not even using ship escort. The whole mission is depending on secrecy. Which," he shrugged. "Goes a long way in the Empire."

He was concerned primarily for Anakin. He was going to suffer for understanding this so clearly and he knew it, but sacrifice of life for a greater good was not... entirely unfamiliar to him as a concept. He'd survive.

Asking Anakin to pick up that lightsaber, even after a lifetime, and to slaughter all but one person on that ship... it was bound to be, at best, incredibly uncomfortable.

It was not, honestly, likely to be particularly comfortable for Obi-Wan, either, but in at least this regard his division between Anakin and Vader was clear.

The one place that division divided was the possibility that it would trigger something in Anakin and in the process of fighting back against the Empire, they created another Darth Vader? He hated himself for thinking it, but it was a what-if that he... couldn't entirely put away. It was a doubt he couldn't put away.

His Anakin had been groomed by Palpatine, and he knew that, but there was so much he didn't know.

He didn't let go of Anakin's wrist.

"This will be the only time we will have the element of surprise on our side. After that we'll have to expect them to be better prepared and for the information you have to be less accurate. But this should be straight-forward. We have thirty days. I don't want to contact Bail until much closer to time. Between now and then we should prepare, and by prepare I mean train."

And deal with at least the initial response to having a lightsaber back in his hand. His own lightsaber.

He wanted to say this wouldn’t be a big deal, that he’d be fine. But that would be a lie.

That was a fear Anakin had. Turning into Vader, again. To be consumed by those memories...

But hiding his fears from Obi-Wan had been one of the crucial mistakes he’d made the first Time around. If this time was going to be different, there would be no self-denial covered with a brave mask.

He looked down at his uneaten food.

“I could always not use a lightsaber,” he suggested. “There are other ways to fight.”

"You could," he agreed, fingers tightening gently around Anakin's wrist. It was gentle, but it was firm enough that he could feel Anakin's pulse against his palm. "Though many of those methods are more personal."

"You could also use mine - you've used it before and if your memories are as clear as they seem, you should be able to adjust to using it now." His lightsaber was built and balanced differently than Anakin's old one. It was lighter, all around, and the build of it was almost delicate, at least in comparison to Anakin's. Anakin had been dropped, thrown, and lost rather often, and the build suited that, as well as Anakin's more... aggressive fighting style.

"If we had more time I might even suggest switching your form entirely, but I don't think trying to use something else in a month is going to be safe, even for you." He paused, watching Anakin's face and just quietly worrying about him - on many levels, some of them he felt guilty about. "We can also ... divide duties onboard in a way that leaves you in a more stable role as protector and defender." Yes, he had just suggested he do all the killing. He was not exactly mentally stable but at his worst he dissociated and went... clear.

The fact that Anakin had known Obi-Wan had the lightsaber this whole time and had not once before this was a testament to how much this did scare him.

A voice inside Anakin's head wanted to defily say he could get creative. He could get creative - he'd shown that again and again as a General in the Clone Wars. But there were a few reasons holding him back.

For one, this mission was crucial, not only for Master Unduli's life, but this had the potential to strike a resonating blow against Palpatine and his Empire. They needed to go in with steady planning. Once in the fray, making snap decisions was going to happen. But right now, from outside looking in, he had to honestly accept they needed a solid plan.

For another, he had to address any fears he had about his own lightsaber at some point. As quiet as this hut was, they were planning acts of rebellion. This was still a war. They had thirty days, when would they have another stretch of time so long.

"I need to address this. We're never going to have another opportunity for this much time at our disposal. I know what we need to do... I know how exposure therapy works." He'd gone through it once after his jet crash. "We should try it a few days, see how it goes before scrapping it for other ideas."

He looked down at this food again. Though he still didn't pull his hand back. Holding onto Obi-Wan's hand was its home now.

"Can I eat dinner first?"

"I didn't cook so you could stare at the food," he said, with just a tiny hint of snark. "You can eat first, yes, but do it with your other hand." If the prosthetic - he doesn't actually know how well it works. He's going to find out, he supposes.

He wasn't going to fight Anakin on trying this. One of the mistakes he'd made was being... not too forgiving Anakin, but of avoiding too many uncomfortable situations and discussions, and making altogether too many... excuses for him, rather than dealing with things.

There was a lot of fear between them. Tightly entwined enough that he couldn't tell where Anakin's stops and his own begins. He couldn't tell how much of his fear was for Anakin and how much was of Anakin.

There was some quiet determination on both their parts, too.

It needed done, they were going to do it.

Even if only one of them knew how exposure therapy worked.

"I'll get it when we're finished here. And at some point, if we aren't using an alternative option, we are going to be training against one another." With very real, deadly, not training weapons.

Fun.

It was a weird suggestion that didn't even register as odd with Anakin - don't take back his hand? He just went with it. If he was clearer minded, he'd notice how his feelings were freezing him up in certain ways and he needed someone grounding him, too.

He just started eating. After struggling with swallowing that first bite, Anakin realized he needed to do something.

"The fork." He took a breath. "The cup." Another breath and he took a breath after each thing he named. "My cloak... my phone... the working heater."

His emotions cleared with eat thing called out, each deep breath. And he could try eating again.

This was going to be a process.

Obi-Wan breathed with Anakin, without being more than half-aware of it. Mostly, though, the breathing was in response to Anakin's emotional ... tension unwinding.

At that point he could sort of figure out what was his own emotional state and while his coping method was markedly not approved by the American Association of Psychology, it wasn't actually terrible, in this instance.

He was able to redirect back to the moment and to the meal and the pulse against his hand and let the fear go. This time more actual release than dissociating from it, or even not being able to maintain it.

He also kept his hand there and the... quiet compassion for Anakin stayed.

He picked up his fork with the hand not under Anakin's, and worked on his own meal.

"We have a month. This is something we can do, though I won't be sorry that we're not going to do it on a holoscreen in every home in the galaxy."

They'd get it done, but he could already tell with near certainty that it was going to be ugly on every level.

Edited 2020-01-12 22:07 (UTC)

Anakin tried a smile. "We could have long term goals. Get back in the spotlight."

Food consumed. Hands finally parted. The dishes cleared.

"Okay, before you get it..." He grabbed something from the tub of 'things to fix' and some tools and set them on the table. Fixing things was his meditation, reaching through the Force, finding the problems in the device, then putting it straight helped him make sense of the universe. They were about to do something the would rock any sense of stability they both had. Anakin needed every little bit of help through this.

He sat back down and said. "Okay. You can get it."

He left Anakin to it and went into the living area, which was more than close enough in this relatively small house to continue to see and hear Anakin, sat on the floor and meditated.

Without the benefit of fixing things, though some of what slipped through his mind as he tried for - and almost surprising to himself achieved - some real center and balance, was that there was something so... appropriate about Anakin using fixing things to center himself.

He stood up without a word when Anakin told him he could go, went into the bedroom and into the trunk and retrieved the lightsaber. He absolutely did not shudder or recoil from it himself.

He did hear himself saying, in his mind, This is your life, Anakin..

That gave him a moment, but he took the moment and then returned it to the kitchen and put it down on the table. In front of him, in reach.

Obi-Wan had been right to be concerned about Anakin's feeling about that lightsaber. And Anakin had thought he'd understood. But the memory recall was like slamming into a cement wall.

He just sat there, staring at that weapon he'd made for the purpose of protecting others but it's last acts had been devastation and destruction.

Mustafar, dueling Obi-Wan, assassinating the Separatist leaders. Razing the Temple.

He didn't notice his breath becoming shallow and quick or the way a vice seemed to cinch around his chest or the way he gripped his hands so tightly together in front of him he was making his knuckles white. Or when he abruptly stood up and a left.

He was actually outside the hut leaning against the wall of the hut, choking through gulps of freezing, bracing air before he was back to his senses.

So much for trying to prepare.

He caught... enough from Anakin to know what those flashes were, if not any actual images. He watched Anakin's breath speed up, and his fists clench, silent but not unaffected.

He gave Anakin a clear path to get outside, and then followed him outside.

Where he promptly opted to drop to a graceless, lazy, sort of kneeling position in front of him - because that wasn't threatening, it wasn't enclosing, it couldn't make Anakin feel trapped, he hoped.

He said nothing, at first, but reached out and lightly circled his fingers around Anakin's wrist at first and then tugged lightly. "Come here."

Anakin let himself be pulled towards Obi-Wan, all but fell into him, actually. He was shaking and it had nothing to do with the Tatooine's fucking heatless night.

He tried to say 'I hate those memories' or even 'I hate what I did' but said instead something more deeply true, "I hate myself... I can't let that go, the people I killed don't deserve me letting that go."

He caught Anakin, with both arms and just held on. He didn't have tools from therapy. He didn't even have real coping mechanisms for himself. What he did have was a steady heartbeat, even breathing, and a force presence that was softly radiant and could pretty comfortably wrap around anyone who had the ability to feel it.

He didn't expect Anakin currently did and that was okay.

"I don't have the first idea of what the dead deserve," he murmured. "I refuse to speculate on what Vader deserved or deserves. I do know what the living deserve, and that's a chance." He's very quiet, steady, even his hands on Anakin's back because his heart was breaking, but it was breaking for Anakin first, at least in that moment. "And they deserve not to have that chance wrapped up in self-loathing."

"And the living deserve someone not me helping them," Anakin countered. The weight of all his failures stacked on top of him, it was so easy to just lose himself under it all.

But he could also feel Obi-Wan's presence in the Force. He could push it away if he tried, he didn't deserve comfort. But sometimes surrender was inevitable.

Anakin slowly stopped shaking.

And he finally said what he'd meant to the first time. "I hate those memories. I hate what I did."

And Anakin deserved someone to help him that hadn't dismembered him and left him burning. Maybe even someone who could have been ... what he wasn't. Able to see what was happening and to stop it.

He closed his eyes and took a slow, careful, breath.

"So do I." He rubbed Anakin's back, dragging his knuckles slowly up and down. "And the living probably deserves better than either of us, but since we're what they have, I am entirely on board with burning the Empire to the ground with you."

Edited 2020-01-13 00:10 (UTC)

Anakin realized he could view it that way. Focus on what the Empire deserved - which was to burn to the ground before it was more than an asterix in the history tomes.

His breathing was steadier, and though he'd stopped shaking because of his tumultuous emotions, the cold was starting to bite.

"Should probably go back inside... Try again."

Redirection could be amazingly useful.

He didn't want Anakin killed, but Anakin focused on a task - if Obi-Wan could manage to keep hate out of it for Anakin - was...

Leverage against the memories.

He hoped.

He stood up, hands moving to under Anakin's elbows to pull him up at the same time before he broke contact.

"After you."

Anakin was in control for this.

This had all been Anakin's idea. He could have interpreted the Will of the Force to be to just let things play out like they'd done before. But he'd decided that if the Force had brought him here, it wasn't to just play at smuggling drugs and reminiscing with Obi-Wan in between runs.

If he had done only that, he wouldn't really be Anakin.

When he walked in, he didn't look at the lightsaber, instead he focused on part he was planning to fix. The goal was just to be near the lightsaber. And he had been near it just moments before, he could do it again. His hands were unsteady when he first picked up the tools, but he took a few breaths, named a few of the parts out loud, and then began working.

Planning more of the mission was probably asking for more emotional upheaval so he picked a different topic.

"What did you do while I was away?"

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