darkforcerising | OPEN POST

Anakin didn't resist Obi-Wan guiding him to a chair, he just let it happen. The pack with the heater part landed at his feet, giving his arm more freedom, his hand the chance to really touch Luke's cheek and the smallest hand Anakin had ever seen.

He continued to cry, but as the minutes passed, the tears became more passive. They fell, but it no longer felt like something had burst open inside him, threatening to engulf him. Gratitude and love spilled those tears, not regret and guilt.

No matter the sight he must be, Anakin wouldn't trade this moment for any dignity.

Eventually he found the ability to speak again. "Even if I'd never fallen, the Jedi still would have lost me the first moment I held him."

He was not trying to mock Obi-Wan's experience this last week, he spoke only with reverence, this Anakin was remorseful about the fall of the Jedi. But it was the truth. He was sure he'd feel the same way about Leia if he held her. The birth of his children were always going to mark his exit from that period of his life.

"How are you doing this?" It was a question for Luke that pulled a laughing sob from Anakin. This person, so small, who did nothing more than look up at him and hold his finger, and Anakin was sure he was seconds away from losing his breath over the simplicity of it.

He leaned against the chair Anakin was sitting in and looked over his shoulder to watch Luke. He smiled, very slightly.

"Anakin, if you'd left the Jedi for this, I'd have packed your bag myself." He went quiet again, just watching the two of them together. His thoughts turned back toward what he'd been thinking before Anakin had left this morning.

About what had changed.

He carded his fingers absently through Anakin's hair.

"But it couldn't have been this, if you weren't this you."

He was still so raw by that loss and... maybe that clouded his perception. And maybe it made his view a little clearer than Anakin's could possibly be.

Edited 2020-01-11 06:47 (UTC)

That made the tears fall a bit more quicker for a moment. Because Anakin had lived through that hate and fear and pain for twenty three years. It was his choice, his fault, but he'd still lived it to get here.

"I know," he acknowledged. And then, just as heartfelt, "Thank you, Obi-Wan."

He smiled, slightly. "One day, one or the other of us will manage to put down some guilt. Maybe."

He didn't expect it to be any time soon.

He shook his head slightly, not rejecting the thanks but the idea that it was needed or deserved.

"I'm going to leave you alone to get to know one another." While there was time. "I have a heater to fix. His supplies are in the kitchen."

He gave Anakin's shoulder a squeeze and left them. On purpose.

He was not looking forward to having to take Luke back to Owen, but there'd be time to talk when he did - and after he did. There was not nearly enough time for Anakin to enjoy his child.

He'd say it again so that Obi-Wan might start to think he deserved it. "Thank you."

He both wanted to be selfish and keep that time with Luke to himself but also be generous and call Obi-Wan back.

Luke yawning, pulling all of Anakin's attention stopped him from calling Obi-Wan back.

Anakin sat silently with Luke for a span of time, without a clock around to show him the passage of time, he didn't know for how long. And it didn't matter.

But eventually, around the time his tears really stopped, Anakin started talking to Luke, and Luke stared back at him with blue eyes that were Anakin's, as if he were listening to him. Anakin was sure that that was not how babies worked, something about them still developing. But he still spoke to him because when was he going to get another chance?

"Hi Luke... I'm your father, I'm sorry this is the first time we're meeting... I made some dumb choices that took me away from you. I've regretted every minute of it and if I could take it all back, I would. I'm sorry we don't have a lot of time. So I guess I should teach you a few things... Never trust the Hutts, they only make deals that benefit them. Plus they're all slavers, which means they are scum... Your mother was a queen- the most kind and intelligent and beautiful woman I'd ever met... When you're older, go to Naboo, just seeing her home planet, you'll understand."

Luke started fussing so Anakin looked in the kitchen for his supplies, and finding a bottle he tested to see if this was what Luke wanted. It was. And leaning against the counter, Anakin continued talking.

"You'll never get to know your grandmother, but your Uncle Owen remembers her, ask him about her. She was amazing... If you ever want to leave Tatooine, though- take the opportunity. This place is a trash heap. There are so many other, better places in the galaxy. You could try Alderaan, go meet the princess there. Ask her when her birthday is. Put two and two together... You're going to love flying. There isn't anything more fun than flying, so any chance you get, take it. Don't worry about crashing, you're a Skywalker, we bounce..."

He continued listing off precious bits of wisdom until Obi-Wan came back.

Anakin looked up but had one more thing to say. "There's a crazy old man living at the edge of the Dune Sea. He's weird, but harmless and only wants the best for you. Same as I do... I love you."

And then it was time to hand over his son, and Anakin didn't want to, but he knew he had to do it.

He heard Anakin's voice as he made his reluctant way back inside. Bringing Anakin Luke had been a joy and a pleasure. Taking him away again was anything but.

He started making out some words as he got to the door, but it was only the very last he heard and that was enough.

It hit him squarely in the heart, and he nearly cried. Not because he cared about Luke - of course he cared about Luke and wanted the best for him - but every single word was Anakin, but... not. It was absolute love - without fear or a need to possess. It was trust in others - including him. It was also absolutely, completely, selfless.

It was a beautiful thing.

It was a beautiful thing that made the tragedy of Vader bite that much more deeply.

It was bittersweet.

There was almost no chance he would ever mistake the presence of one for the other. Days and those lines were being drawn, and drawn deeply.

"I have never wanted to do anything less than I want to take him away from you." He was going to do it, but he did not want to.

Edited 2020-01-11 07:48 (UTC)

Anakin had thought he was done crying. He'd been wrong. He knew he shouldn't be surprised about any of this: how painful it was to give Luke up. But sometimes foresight left him for living in the present. And it was probably better that he hadn't been thinking about this moment and just about spending time with Luke.

He took a deep breath, gave Luke a kiss on the forehead, trying not to cry all over the poor child, and placed Luke in Obi-Wan's arms. And he needed to immediately do something with his hands or they would betray him, so he turned and started gathering Luke's supplies for Obi-Wan to also take.

He knew he would be fine - he knew. He'd lived twenty-six years without being with Luke, he had been fine then and would be so again. And Luke would be fine, too. It was just hard to see that far ahead. Switching from living in the present to welcoming the future was monumentally difficult for him.

When everything was gathered, he had to step back, he had to move in a direction and it had to be deliberate. Away. Or it would be towards Luke and he knew he couldn't do that.

He could have, possibly should have, said several things to Anakin.

There were things he would say when he got back.

Maybe by then he'd want to cry less himself. Maybe.

He took Luke and Luke's things, and settled for using his free hand to give Anakin's hand a brief, warm, squeeze.

He was amazed. He was proud. He was heartbroken for Anakin, and awed by him. He was... he was a lot of things.

Then he left, to take Luke back to his uncle.

He wouldn't be gone longer than he had to be. He hoped Anakin was still there when he returned.

Anakin gripped the counter behind him to hold him in place until he heard Obi-Wan leave in his speeder. And then he counted to ten. Counted to ten again. Counted to ten until he couldn't feel Luke anymore.

A choice he'd made eighty years - for him - before dropped him to the chair at the table, shredding his emotions to ribbons that he knew he didn't have to piece together again. Not yet, he could let himself feel this. He could sit at that table with his head in his hands and feel what he needed to feel.

And when he his hands didn't shake anymore when he pulled them away he reached for the practice that had always help him put his emotions to rest. He picked up one of the broken bits of machine he'd set aside before and set to taking it apart to fix it and put it back together again. Each piece was one of his emotions, untwisted, laid bare, smoothed out and then reassembled.

He was still at the table when Obi-Wan got back.

He could feel Anakin inside the hut and he stopped outside long enough to feel not just his mental state but to understand what Anakin was doing. He stayed outside another moment or two because that, as Anakin talking to Luke, briefly held him... captivated.

He finally walked inside, pulling the door shut behind him.

He went to the table and rather than sitting across from Anakin dropped into that half-kneeling crouch he used in front of Anakin. He wasn't showing any kind of subservience, it was just the best way to be close to Anakin and be at eye-level.

And once there, he really simply, waited. It could take Anakin 3 seconds or 3 hours to look up and look at him, he would be there when he did.

Anakin didn't take long, just enough to finish twisting one last fastener so the part was secure.

"Back hom- the other place I was living," he started talking. "I was working on machines and vehicles since... I don't really remember how old I was when I started. After I crashed and lost my arm and my career as a pilot, I fell back on aerospace engineering. Some things about me are just..." he searched for the right word. He gave Obi-Wan a smile. "I guess they're just always part of me. This..." the bits and pieces in front of him. "Will always make sense."

He chewed on his lip for a moment. "I know I keep saying it, but thank you."

"Some things will always be part of you. Like this, and your love of flying. Memories, unfortunately." A pause, but watching Anakin's face while he searched for words. "But after what I witnessed today, there is no chance that you will ever become Vader."

And, least they get too serious: "And you're welcome, but I'd really rather hear 'You were right.'".

"Hm? I don't think I know how to say that," Anakin said shaking his head lightly.

He focused on that because he didn't have a proper response to the other thing. He could still do stupid things, he could still be rash, his emotions still overwhelmed him sometimes- lots of times. Today was the culmination of sixteen years of therapy teaching him coping mechanisms, the right dosage of medication, and a good support system (Obi-Wan) stepping up. And he had still fallen apart. He knew he shouldn't be ashamed of that, emotions were what they were. But right at that point, still so raw, he didn't feel non-Vader-like, he felt very emotional.

"How about I say I'm impressed with your initiative to break the rules? That was very Anakin-esque."

There was something here he wants Anakin to understand, but much as Anakin has a limit to how far he was willing to push Obi-Wan at one time-

There was only so far he as going to push Anakin about this, in this second.

He laughed, softly and pushed himself up to stand, and moved to sit in the chair across from Anakin.

"I'll have you know I followed the rules. I just didn't do what you told me to do. Or did what you told me not to, I suppose."

Some lessons needed time to finish. Some truths needed space in order to resonate. Anakin would understand someday. In this minute, he needed to feel not okay, that was integral to everything Obi-Wan was trying to tell him. Both the simple act of letting himself feel and in the precise emotions themselves. If he didn’t stop to self assess - a process that could take days or longer - he wouldn’t have been the person who could let Luke go.

So... Someday.

“Hm,” he laughed softly with Obi-Wan. “That sounds like breaking the rules to me.” But it started a thought - how much, in one day, had he changed the timeline? And if he had, what did that mean about him being here, the concepts of timelines and time travel, and the fate of this galaxy now.

Obi-Wan had wondered, if only a bit, how much change had already been done and how much more would be done if Anakin continued to be stuck here.

But only a little bit, in an abstract way.

He had been forced into accepting many things in his life, and most recently all of them had been... really unpleasant. It was almost definitely not the 'right' sort of acceptance or reason to live in the moment, given it was basically a very subtle, quiet, sort of... defeat rather than even surrender - but it was where he was.

And that meant Anakin was here, now, as well as out there as Vader. It also meant that whatever was changed would be changed. Both simply were.

"Everything sounds like breaking the rules if you want to break the rules. In fairness, everything is following the rules if that's what you want to do." Speaking of: "Have you given more thought to how to get yourself in the air?"

Edited 2020-01-11 16:18 (UTC)

Anakin’s expression said ‘Oh, really?’ for him at Obi-Wan’s particular spin. He needn’t say more.

“I have. In the spirit of honesty, I feel I should confess I considered at least five different ways to get a ship and fly to Alderaan. And I worked my way to seeing how each plan was stupid and dangerous... But as for just flying, the most beneficial would be to just hire out as a pilot for a, uh, freighter run.” All emphasis on the euphemism. As long as the freight wasn’t slaves, he was game.

"Getting to Leia would be almost impossible," he agreed.

He was again impressed - this time by Anakin curbing his own impulses and seeing problems. Getting to Luke was one thing. Getting to the Princess of Alderaan? Entirely different ballgame, for both of them. He was an 'execute on sight' enemy of the Republic, and Anakin had Vader's face.

"'Freight' runs would be fun for you, just use some discretion and try not to get yourself shot down. I'd like you to stay at one missing limb."

These were exactly the conclusions he'd drawn. Here on Tatooine, far from the central core of the Empire, they were safe. A word he never thought he'd associate with Tatooine. And he'd convinced Obi-Wan not to try to kill him, but Obi-Wan had the Force to aide him. Bail did not.

"Drug smuggling," he laughed softly again. "I can add that to my losing categories in the game Never Have I Ever." This was one of those things he said without thinking. Sometimes he just had to let himself do that so he could catch the bigger things.

"You can add it to your what?"

Sometimes, sometimes, the difference in language and his complete lack of comprehension of what Anakin said struck exactly the same way as realizing Anakin was... the emotional stable one.

An odd pride, some bemusement, and becoming far more intrigued than he should have been.

"Oh," Anakin paused his hands so he could focus on this explanation.

"It's a party drinking game back where I was. Everyone takes turns calling out something they've never done, but that they think others in the group have done. And if you've done the thing, you have to take a drink or a shot- whatever ground rules you set for drinking. Like... a common thing someone might say is 'Never Have I Ever, uh, consumed spice.' The more things you've done, the faster you get drunk. The goal is to get everyone else drunk before you so you watch out for patterns in things people drink for..."

He picked up the part he was working on again.

"Took that off the list of games I could play once I started getting my memories back. I would make things get very dark, very fast."

Speaking of subjects that could get very dark, very fast, and subjects probably best left alone:

"Do you remember dying?" he asked, when Anakin finished speaking (and he understood a drinking game he was not at all tempted to play).

That was very dark, very fast. (And is it technically playing if you never have to take a drink during the game?)

"Yes." He could be blunt, too. But he wasn't going to just dump the details on Obi-Wan. Anakin suspected there were still boundaries to the easiness between them and he wasn't going to rush them. "Do you want to know anything about it?"

It was very a very strange thing, this relationship they're trying to work out between them.

Anakin knew him, but he doesn't really know Anakin.

He wasn't afraid of Anakin - but Anakin was the reason for his worst nightmares.

He was drawn to Anakin, but he was hiding from him.

Delivered the man's son to him, while protecting his son from him.

There was a relationship here, but there isn't.

He was trying to work out a boundary here, though he believed it was purely for Anakin. In reality, he's trying to work out one for himself, too.

"I didn't until you asked. Now I do, but I first want to point out using anything that happened from another life in a game is probably unfair, anyway."

"The game is not really about being fair," Anakin pointed out. "It's a drinking game, they're underhanded by nature."

As for his death... "Technically, Palpatine is the reason I die. He attacks Luke with Force lightning, I intervene and attack him- Palpatine, but the Force lightning-" Anakin paused, he didn't want to say 'shorts out the suit I'm stuck in and I don't have lungs to breathe on my own' because Obi-Wan was part of the reason he was in that suit and he didn't want Obi-Wan taking any blame for this. Because it wasn't his.

"Kills me."

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