darkforcerising | OPEN POST

"Obi-Wan," Anakin said gently. "If it seems that way, it's only because of the terrible choices I made before. You... you've always just known what was right without having to-" he almost said 'get burned first' but he stopped himself.

"I've always had to have the lesson slam me in the face, sometimes multiple times before I understood."

"I could engage you in a long recitation of all the times I had not the first idea what was right, but feigned confidence anyway, and the points Vader had far more compassion than I. It isn't really my point." That was partially tease, and partially not. "I am neither using you as a low bar nor a hide one. I am quite literally telling you that I am rapidly reaching a point where I want this done more than I care if the method of achieving it is right. Had you not stopped to ask me to check your thoughts tonight, I'm not sure it would have occurred to me to even question the ethics or morality of imposing will on others as a means of winning. That is... a horrible sigh."

Edited 2020-02-04 05:34 (UTC)

Anakin listened. He wanted to say something to the effect of 'Nothing Obi-Wan had ever compromised or got wrong had come close to what he'd done in the name of justifying the ends. But he listened.

"This is called burnout. No one person has the ability to fight constantly."

Though it was cold, Anakin reached for Obi-Wan's hand as they walked.

"Maybe we take a break from missions for a while. We can ask the other Jedi we've saved if they will bridge the gap. We let Bail build his network. Maybe the next mission we do is finally talking to Bail and Galen Erso about the need to keep the Death Star weapon project going for our own needs. And then maybe we just hide here for a while."

He squeezed Obi-Wan's hand. "I'll stay here on Tatooine with you."

He threaded his fingers through Anakin's, without missing a single stride. It didn't matter that it was cold. He'd come to very much appreciate touch and physical connection.

With Anakin.

"I can't decide if my feeling that it's an enormous waste of time and delays the ultimate goal for very little benefit is just a sign that I am really desperate to be finished, or an actual objection."

“Why not both?” Anakin offered. You stubborn old man. But Anakin thought it with great affection.

But he tried to find another angle. “The weapon won’t be near enough ready for us to use for years. We can’t rush that. If we take a break for a few weeks, we won’t change anything but maybe your mental well-being. And... it’s been days since we’ve had sex.” Because obviously Obi-Wan needed to recuperate, and that couldn’t be rushed. But Anakin had noticed that Obi-Wan was... a bit more... present if they used sex to unwind after missions.

"I did say you were going to need to be the voice of reason," he said, just a touch try.

He knows. The cold helps make admitting that Anakin is right easier, and him to be more rational about the whole thing.

"Though I think the fact that you're linking sex to my mental health is probably a testament to... something." It's a fair link. It got him out of his head and into something physical that wasn't fighting. Just -

That he seemed to have reached a point where it was good for him felt... unfair to Anakin.

“Do you need me to do some research that shows sex has health benefits?” He was pretty sure those existed somewhere in this galaxy.

It was just silly to think Anakin didn’t get as much benefit from the sex they had as Obi-Wan did.

"I am perfectly aware sex has health benefits," he said, and managed to sound almost prissy while he did.

"If you're mentioning a desire for it, missing it, I wouldn't be bothered. You're linking it to my... stability." He was attached, Anakin. That was scary.

“What’s wrong with that?” Anakin asked, unwilling to scry for the answers from Obi-Wan’s mind. Which meant Obi-Wan was going to have to use his words. “Why don’t you like that?”

He stopped walking and stared at Anakin in disbelief. "Do you want the entire list of things that are wrong with that?"

“Yes,” Anakin said matter of factly. He wanted Obi-Wan to say it explicitly, no ambiguity. That was the point of talking through problems.

“I’m not being facetious or sarcastic. Give me the list of reasons why you think that is wrong.”

He stopped walking and continued to stare. Disbelief turned to frustration and frustration turned to--

Frustration turned to him literally growling at Anakin.

"Because it makes me reliant upon you, because it is unfair to make you responsible for me to that degree, and for every single reason attachment to Padme and an attempt to save her life led to Vader's existence."

Anakin was well used to people yelling at or around him, so he didn’t mind how Obi-Wan explained himself. He just wanted the man talking, not shutting down or shutting him out.

“Are you afraid you’re turning to the Dark Side?”

He almost said yes, out of sheer contrariness.

"At this particular moment? No. Does that mean it's impossible that at some point I will be? Also no."

...Honestly he would have such a hard time actually turning (as opposed to using). In some ways more no than any other point in his life. Which was currently neither here nor there.

“Then tell me what is wrong with relying on me? That’s what people do in relationships, they do things for each other, with each other.” Damn Jedi teachings about emotions.

“You also don’t have a Sith Lord messing around your head. You’re not going to be like Vader.”

"I... do not even know where to begin. Bias. Lack of objectivity. The ability to be used against one another. The potential for fallout when the option is taken off the table. Turning sex into something clinical. You believing that you are somehow required to sleep with me."

...Yeah, the Jedi teachings had some messed up stuff.

Obi-Wan may be bringing some of his own issues into play, which-

upon reflection

still hinged on the Jedi teachings.

Anakin focused on the cold, a sharp point of pain to keep him from forming a smile, because he was starting to see the picture even if Obi-Wan wasn’t there yet. And he wasn’t there to mock Obi-Wan for what was a clear development of emotions. He was trying to help him, not be condescending.

“Okay, the easiest to clear up is that I don’t feel any obligation to sleep with you. I do it because I want to. I enjoy it. And I’d miss it if you decided you’d never want to do it with me again. But I’d respect your choice.

“And there’s nothing wrong with sex being used for multiple things at the same time, because it always is being used for multiple reasons. Even if you’re not aware of it.”

He accepted the first point with only a mild bit of wariness. It wasn't as though Anakin - any Anakin, from any reality, at any point in time, was lacking in strength of will or personality. The wariness was simply-

Well, him trying to wrestle around emotions he didn't quite recognize he had, and would have either been afraid of (no attachments), or just simply not known what to do with, anyway.

The other thing just makes him blink a few times, forehead furrowed in confusion and then tilted his head to try to work it out. "...Always?"

"Yes, always." Anakin then began to list the reasons. "People do it because it's fun, because it's sexual gratifying - which is different. To feel pleasure or pain - again, different from sexual gratification. People do it to express emotions or to feel emotions- love, joy, sadness, anger. To apologize. Some do it to feel hate. Some people use it as a form of religious worship. You can do it to express affection or appreciation, you can use it to feel affection. To touch or be touched. For comfort- to comfort or to be comforted. To bond and build trust. To be connected or to feel close with someone. You can use it to disconnect from others. You can use it to expend energy. To forget, to remember. To distract yourself. To meditate... There are more negative reasons, but I don't think you need me going over them."

Some of those reasons confused him - just fundamentally were things he didn't understand. Some of them were not.

He found himself puzzling out the various ways they fit together and ... vaguely testing if any of them could be entirely solitary as a motivation, but realized the motivations had motivations, if nothing else and let it go.

He tugged Anakin's hand and then turned them around and slowly started walking back, breathing deeply - and making his lungs burn and chest ache from col - as he did so.

Anakin almost asked why they were turning back, didn't Obi-Wan want his walk in the clarifying, cold air. But he stopped himself, reasoning he should let Obi-Wan think in peace. A hard thing for Anakin to let happen, he always wanted to fill silence with noise. But he'd just been very noisy so he put the effort into not being noisy.

He just squeezed Obi-Wan's hand and went with him.

He mulls it over a bit more. Walks, though stops once they're near the hut, but not inside. Still bitingly, painfully, cold aside from the space where their palms touch.

"I am never going to understand normal social interactions and I'm not entirely convinced that it matters."

"Obi-Wan," Anakin says, stepping closer. "What matters is what you're comfortable with."

He didn't like what he was about to say, because it would mean changing things if Obi-Wan made a certain choice, but he said it anyways. Because it was the right thing to say. And he did love Obi-Wan more... more than anything, really.

"If you want to stop having sex- no matter what your reason is. I'll respect that."

He raised Obi-Wan's hand to his lips and kissed it.

"I'm going inside, okay?"

Then he moved to let it go.

He startled - not just obvious in the force, but he visibly startled, eyes going wide.

He didn't even intend to lunge to grab Anakin, but he did - albeit only at his hand.

"I absolutely do not want to stop having sex." Which made him immediately think that he should want to, but he didn't retract the statement. Only added: "With you."

Anakin softly snorted a laugh.

"Then come inside you stubborn, old man." Anakin tugged on Obi-Wan's hand. "You're going to freeze to death out here and then I'll be all alone on Tatooine. Which is like, my idea of hell."

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject