darkforcerising | OPEN POST

"You are Anakin, but you also aren't."

He is too damn tired to untangle this now. Way too tired. He has untangled enough for now, thanks.

"Tell him whatever you want. I just think it might be easier to get him to hand over Luke more often if you're doing the requesting. I'll do it this time, though and keep trying as long as you want me to."

Anakin felt that weariness and backed off. Maybe one day he'd tell Obi-Wan why it was better the galaxy never discovered the connection between him and his children, why it was better for them. Or why it didn't satisfying him to think of him not as Anakin - he was 'Anakin' and had all the same desires 'Anakin' had to be a father to his children and it ate at him that he couldn't be. It made him sad to tampen that down but it had been a night already. Some other night.

"Just go get him tomorrow," he said with a kiss and a smile before settling back down.

The Anakin/not-Anakin thing was so complicated for him and he just really, really did not have the energy to untangle that now. There was too much else going on and he was so incredibly grateful to Anakin for letting it go for now.

"I will," he said, easily. "Ideally before it gets hot."

It was the next day.

Anakin held Luke in his lap, before them on the table was a spread of tools and the parts to the humidifier.

Anakin was picking up tools and naming them to Luke and then letting him try to hold it. Most of the tools were too heavy for Luke to hold on his own so Anakin never let go. But he let Luke manipulate the tools as much as he wanted.

Obi-Wan came into the kitchen and Anakin was reminded of why he’d asked Obi-Wan to go get Luke in the first place (well, one of the reasons – Anakin very much wanted to see Luke, too.)

“Obi-Wan,” he said, “I need to grab something from the ship, can you hold Luke while I go get it?”

Obi-Wan needed someone as bright and innocent as Luke in his life right at this moment. To remind him of the good in the universe they were fighting for. Anakin's plan was to get Obi-Wan to hold Luke as much as possible while they had him.

“I’ve taken the power packs out of the tools that have them so he can’t hurt himself.”

Edited 2020-02-18 02:29 (UTC)

He reached out and picked Luke up without hesitation or awkwardness and settled him on one hip. Though he did feel compelled to say, "You know I do have legs and eyes. I could go get what you need for you."

As far as he was concerned, Luke was here for Anakin. Anakin was (or had been?) Luke's father. He was just... there.

"Yes," he said standing up. "But then it would be a long explanation and you might grab the wrong thing and this way, if I go I can find it faster. Just keep teaching him the things he needs to know."

He paused, looking over Obi-Wan holding Luke, and he smiled. Obi-Wan wasn't just 'there,' Anakin intended Obi-Wan to be as much a part of Luke's life as he wanted to be himself.

"You're cute when you're holding him," he said, leaning in for a kiss, and then he was slipping out the front door.

He waited for the door to close, then looked down at Luke's face and echoed with bemusement, "Cute?"

he did not continue to teach Luke a damn thing about tools. Instead he took Luke into the living room and sat down with him and entertained him with a floating ball to grab at, and some stupid story he only dimly remembered about a lost bantha calf.

Anakin knew what part he wanted, but he took his time: checking messages with Goose and the Maverick, checking news feeds, checking power levels and security measures on the ship. After all that, he grabbed the part and went back inside the hut.

Obi-Wan and Luke were not at the table where he'd left them, all the tools and parts were untouched. He dropped off the part and went to find them - he hear Obi-Wan's voice.

He found them in the living room area, and instead of asking Obi-Wan why he wasn't teaching Luke everything he needed to know about tools, he simply joined them.

His attachment to Anakin still felt - on some level, and on that level would likely always feel - at least a little bit like he was doing something wrong. It wasn't really about breaking a 'rule' that no longer applied. It was because he understood exactly what the danger was.

He just also recognized that the danger of not was greater. He loved Anakin and he had no regrets about that, but it was complicated.

Nothing about Luke was.

He was just a baby. A happy, healthy, joyful baby who absolutely shone.

He still looked up when Anakin walked in, and when Anakin sat down passed Luke over to him without a single bit of resistance or hesitation.

"Tools are going to have to remain your domain. You might also want to feed him soon."

"You know the tools as well as I do," Anakin said. But he took Luke back with a welcoming smile, which Luke rewarded him with a big smile of his own. He propped Luke up on his knees.

"Where did his bottle stuff get put?" He had a hard time looking away from Luke, he even grabbed the ball with the Force without looking at it to bring it back over to Luke.

He leaned over and kissed Anakin's temple. "Prove it," he murmured, as he stood up and went to prepare the bottle for Anakin.

Prove that he knew anything about the tools, he meant.

Anakin smiled. But he was still looking at Luke. "Next time the heater breaks, I'll just steal all the blankets and let Obi-Wan fix it on his own."

Luke squealed, but that was probably more because he was a baby feeding off the energy of the people in the room, and not because Anakin was that witty.

"Obi-Wan has the force and can let you keep the blankets and still not have any proof."

He wouldn't though, he was just bantering - playing even- with Anakin while he got the bottle together.

"He looks so much like you, already."

"Obi-Wan has spent too much time out in the sun," Anakin said, looking to Luke for confirmation. He lifted the ball just out of Luke's reach, so of course Luke cooed some more. It was a cheap trick.

Anakin was taken by a sudden surge of emotion. Because Luke did already look like him. And he knew that Leia looked like Padme. And that reminded him that Padme was gone. And why. That was a quick journey down terrible memory lane.

He walked back into the living room to hand Anakin the bottle and rather than sitting beside him knelt in front of him.

He was warmly sympathetic in the force, but also gently: "Here and now." He was never not going not be Jedi. Just maybe a slightly more, ironically, balanced one.

"With your grief but here and now."

Anakin tried to regain his smile as he took the bottle. Obi-Wan’s reassurance in the Force was comforting.

“I’m sorry,” he said, shifting Luke so he could start feeding him. “These feelings aren’t yours to manage.” And he tried to pull himself back together, but his emotions were like strands of smoke that curled and slipped out of his grasp. He didn’t want to put any of this on Obi-Wan to deal with, not like he used to do when he was younger, in his past life. He just didn’t seem to have control over himself for the moment for some reason.

He’d wanted Luke here to brighten Obi-Wan’s outlook, and here he was just bringing everything down at the drop of a well meaning comment.

"Should I use that explanation next time you attempt to talk me through something unpleasant or difficult that I am feeling?" he asked, very softly.

That was a low blow, and Anakin wished he could say that with words or an expression. But his feelings would let him turn his mouth wryly.

Technically, Obi-Wan had him there.

But, "I'm the reason I feel this way. I did this to everyone, including myself." Meaning, he shouldn't complain when the guilt and the regret were too much to take.

He opened his mouth to say something, but then stopped and realized....

He pulled back a little further so he could brush his fingers upward along Anakin's throat to his chin and paused there. Studying Anakin's face.

"Do you even know how to separate guilt from grief?" Meanwhile could Anakin even feel grief without guilt surging up and overtaking it?

Honestly, on some things, yes. He'd lost thing in his new life that he didn't feel guilt about. In his old life, though, not really. Context mattered. But, really, Obi-Wan, "Can you?"

"It depends," he admitted, once he had recovered from the surprise of having the question turned back. "But once I understand what my role was or was not, I can usually put the guilt down. Grief tends to... be grief to varying degrees forever." And that, strangely, he was pretty okay with.

Edited 2020-02-22 20:43 (UTC)

Anakin knew Obi-Wan was trying to help, and that answer did make sense. But it didn't really change Anakin's situation.

"I killed Padme. I killed the Jedi. I made it so Palpatine could dismantle the Republic and create this Empire. I can't... not feel guilt for the things I did."

Well, no, it didn't really change Anakin's situation or having anything to do with it. It was why he was somewhat confused by having the question turned around on him.

"I'm not sure you actually killed Padme, but that's a discussion for another time. Of course you feel guilty for that. But you need to be able to let it go, too."

Anakin finally cracked a smile and he snorted. And he would have touched Obi-Wan's face if he wasn't holding and feeding Luke. He settled for a nudge in the Force.

"You can have grief forever, but I have to let go of guilt for doing objectively horrible things?" The logic of a Jedi.

But Anakin did seem more settled with his emotions.

"Sometimes, Obi-Wan, I just need to feel what I'm feeling, even if it seems like I should be over it. Whatever it is... The same with you."

He tilted his head a little bit at Anakin. "That is letting go of it." It was a strange, abrupt, realization, actually. One that surprises him, and suddenly makes him feel overall better.

And that he's still in very real danger of crashing and burning in some ways that's saying a lot.

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