darkforcerising | OPEN POST

Anakin smiled. But he was still looking at Luke. "Next time the heater breaks, I'll just steal all the blankets and let Obi-Wan fix it on his own."

Luke squealed, but that was probably more because he was a baby feeding off the energy of the people in the room, and not because Anakin was that witty.

"Obi-Wan has the force and can let you keep the blankets and still not have any proof."

He wouldn't though, he was just bantering - playing even- with Anakin while he got the bottle together.

"He looks so much like you, already."

"Obi-Wan has spent too much time out in the sun," Anakin said, looking to Luke for confirmation. He lifted the ball just out of Luke's reach, so of course Luke cooed some more. It was a cheap trick.

Anakin was taken by a sudden surge of emotion. Because Luke did already look like him. And he knew that Leia looked like Padme. And that reminded him that Padme was gone. And why. That was a quick journey down terrible memory lane.

He walked back into the living room to hand Anakin the bottle and rather than sitting beside him knelt in front of him.

He was warmly sympathetic in the force, but also gently: "Here and now." He was never not going not be Jedi. Just maybe a slightly more, ironically, balanced one.

"With your grief but here and now."

Anakin tried to regain his smile as he took the bottle. Obi-Wan’s reassurance in the Force was comforting.

“I’m sorry,” he said, shifting Luke so he could start feeding him. “These feelings aren’t yours to manage.” And he tried to pull himself back together, but his emotions were like strands of smoke that curled and slipped out of his grasp. He didn’t want to put any of this on Obi-Wan to deal with, not like he used to do when he was younger, in his past life. He just didn’t seem to have control over himself for the moment for some reason.

He’d wanted Luke here to brighten Obi-Wan’s outlook, and here he was just bringing everything down at the drop of a well meaning comment.

"Should I use that explanation next time you attempt to talk me through something unpleasant or difficult that I am feeling?" he asked, very softly.

That was a low blow, and Anakin wished he could say that with words or an expression. But his feelings would let him turn his mouth wryly.

Technically, Obi-Wan had him there.

But, "I'm the reason I feel this way. I did this to everyone, including myself." Meaning, he shouldn't complain when the guilt and the regret were too much to take.

He opened his mouth to say something, but then stopped and realized....

He pulled back a little further so he could brush his fingers upward along Anakin's throat to his chin and paused there. Studying Anakin's face.

"Do you even know how to separate guilt from grief?" Meanwhile could Anakin even feel grief without guilt surging up and overtaking it?

Honestly, on some things, yes. He'd lost thing in his new life that he didn't feel guilt about. In his old life, though, not really. Context mattered. But, really, Obi-Wan, "Can you?"

"It depends," he admitted, once he had recovered from the surprise of having the question turned back. "But once I understand what my role was or was not, I can usually put the guilt down. Grief tends to... be grief to varying degrees forever." And that, strangely, he was pretty okay with.

Edited 2020-02-22 20:43 (UTC)

Anakin knew Obi-Wan was trying to help, and that answer did make sense. But it didn't really change Anakin's situation.

"I killed Padme. I killed the Jedi. I made it so Palpatine could dismantle the Republic and create this Empire. I can't... not feel guilt for the things I did."

Well, no, it didn't really change Anakin's situation or having anything to do with it. It was why he was somewhat confused by having the question turned around on him.

"I'm not sure you actually killed Padme, but that's a discussion for another time. Of course you feel guilty for that. But you need to be able to let it go, too."

Anakin finally cracked a smile and he snorted. And he would have touched Obi-Wan's face if he wasn't holding and feeding Luke. He settled for a nudge in the Force.

"You can have grief forever, but I have to let go of guilt for doing objectively horrible things?" The logic of a Jedi.

But Anakin did seem more settled with his emotions.

"Sometimes, Obi-Wan, I just need to feel what I'm feeling, even if it seems like I should be over it. Whatever it is... The same with you."

He tilted his head a little bit at Anakin. "That is letting go of it." It was a strange, abrupt, realization, actually. One that surprises him, and suddenly makes him feel overall better.

And that he's still in very real danger of crashing and burning in some ways that's saying a lot.

"You're ridiculous," Anakin said, and he tugged at Obi-Wan in the Force. He really wanted to kiss that man.

He used the force to ruffle Anakin's hair the wrong way, completely confused by ... the tug, the affection, and the remark.

"What about that was ridiculous?!"

Anakin didn't mind having his hair ruffled. Obi-Wan could ruffle and twist and move Anakin's hair or clothes out of sorts and Anakin would be just happy about it.

"Meditate on it later. Come here."

"I'm sorry, all of my meditation time is currently occupied by trying to have conversations with an infuriating deadman so I can become immortal."

Yes, he does find that ridiculous. He also goes there, kisses Anakin lightly and then sits down beside him.

"You eventually figure it out." It was why Anakin didn't try to interrupt or get involved in Obi-Wan's meditative time. It would happen.

"Oh, good. It's always nice to know Qui-Gon isn't asking me to manage the impossible." There is an actual eye-roll there. A truly irritated one, but also fond, somehow.

in truth?

He lacks the power for a lot of what Qui-Gon wants and he manages through stubbornness.

This really, really, qualifies.

"I know how to do it, of course you'll figure it out, too." Anakin is nothing but positive encouragement. He wished Obi-Wan believed in himself more.

"You didn't know Qui-Gon long enough to hear about his other apprentices did you?"

He had not missed Anakin learning it too. That? Made him happy, but also confused him, slightly for a moment. How do you get reborn if you - well, you are dead and are in the force and then the force goes where it wants and does as it wishes. No reason it can't shove a consciousness into new life.

"I knew him about a week," Anakin pointed out. "I really only know about him what you've ever told me."

He looked down briefly, to check Luke's progress with his bottle and smiled a bit at how heavy eyed and sleepy the baby was, cuddled up to Anakin.

"He was a good man and he's a good... ghost, now. I doubt he'd ever admit it, if he was ever aware of it at all, but he is drawn to power. He always has been. There is a pattern in his apprentices, both actual and attempted. The ones that he finds just slightly boring and the angry ones with an awful lot of raw power."

A pause. "I'm not insulting myself, Anakin. I can and will usually figure most things out but I'm more skilled than talented."

Luke had switched from eager feeding to barely keeping his eyes open and Anakin felt it was safe to pull the bottle away. Luke moved his mouth just another second, like he still had the bottle, but then he was basically just asleep.

Anakin set down the bottle and reached up to Obi-Wan with seriousness.

"You diminish yourself to fit the needs and wants of everyone around you. You don't have to do that with me." He didn't add 'not anymore' because he knew Obi-Wan wanted to see him as different from Vader. "You are more talented than you give yourself credit." You wonderful, ridiculous man.

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