darkforcerising | OPEN POST

Honestly, on some things, yes. He'd lost thing in his new life that he didn't feel guilt about. In his old life, though, not really. Context mattered. But, really, Obi-Wan, "Can you?"

"It depends," he admitted, once he had recovered from the surprise of having the question turned back. "But once I understand what my role was or was not, I can usually put the guilt down. Grief tends to... be grief to varying degrees forever." And that, strangely, he was pretty okay with.

Edited 2020-02-22 20:43 (UTC)

Anakin knew Obi-Wan was trying to help, and that answer did make sense. But it didn't really change Anakin's situation.

"I killed Padme. I killed the Jedi. I made it so Palpatine could dismantle the Republic and create this Empire. I can't... not feel guilt for the things I did."

Well, no, it didn't really change Anakin's situation or having anything to do with it. It was why he was somewhat confused by having the question turned around on him.

"I'm not sure you actually killed Padme, but that's a discussion for another time. Of course you feel guilty for that. But you need to be able to let it go, too."

Anakin finally cracked a smile and he snorted. And he would have touched Obi-Wan's face if he wasn't holding and feeding Luke. He settled for a nudge in the Force.

"You can have grief forever, but I have to let go of guilt for doing objectively horrible things?" The logic of a Jedi.

But Anakin did seem more settled with his emotions.

"Sometimes, Obi-Wan, I just need to feel what I'm feeling, even if it seems like I should be over it. Whatever it is... The same with you."

He tilted his head a little bit at Anakin. "That is letting go of it." It was a strange, abrupt, realization, actually. One that surprises him, and suddenly makes him feel overall better.

And that he's still in very real danger of crashing and burning in some ways that's saying a lot.

"You're ridiculous," Anakin said, and he tugged at Obi-Wan in the Force. He really wanted to kiss that man.

He used the force to ruffle Anakin's hair the wrong way, completely confused by ... the tug, the affection, and the remark.

"What about that was ridiculous?!"

Anakin didn't mind having his hair ruffled. Obi-Wan could ruffle and twist and move Anakin's hair or clothes out of sorts and Anakin would be just happy about it.

"Meditate on it later. Come here."

"I'm sorry, all of my meditation time is currently occupied by trying to have conversations with an infuriating deadman so I can become immortal."

Yes, he does find that ridiculous. He also goes there, kisses Anakin lightly and then sits down beside him.

"You eventually figure it out." It was why Anakin didn't try to interrupt or get involved in Obi-Wan's meditative time. It would happen.

"Oh, good. It's always nice to know Qui-Gon isn't asking me to manage the impossible." There is an actual eye-roll there. A truly irritated one, but also fond, somehow.

in truth?

He lacks the power for a lot of what Qui-Gon wants and he manages through stubbornness.

This really, really, qualifies.

"I know how to do it, of course you'll figure it out, too." Anakin is nothing but positive encouragement. He wished Obi-Wan believed in himself more.

"You didn't know Qui-Gon long enough to hear about his other apprentices did you?"

He had not missed Anakin learning it too. That? Made him happy, but also confused him, slightly for a moment. How do you get reborn if you - well, you are dead and are in the force and then the force goes where it wants and does as it wishes. No reason it can't shove a consciousness into new life.

"I knew him about a week," Anakin pointed out. "I really only know about him what you've ever told me."

He looked down briefly, to check Luke's progress with his bottle and smiled a bit at how heavy eyed and sleepy the baby was, cuddled up to Anakin.

"He was a good man and he's a good... ghost, now. I doubt he'd ever admit it, if he was ever aware of it at all, but he is drawn to power. He always has been. There is a pattern in his apprentices, both actual and attempted. The ones that he finds just slightly boring and the angry ones with an awful lot of raw power."

A pause. "I'm not insulting myself, Anakin. I can and will usually figure most things out but I'm more skilled than talented."

Luke had switched from eager feeding to barely keeping his eyes open and Anakin felt it was safe to pull the bottle away. Luke moved his mouth just another second, like he still had the bottle, but then he was basically just asleep.

Anakin set down the bottle and reached up to Obi-Wan with seriousness.

"You diminish yourself to fit the needs and wants of everyone around you. You don't have to do that with me." He didn't add 'not anymore' because he knew Obi-Wan wanted to see him as different from Vader. "You are more talented than you give yourself credit." You wonderful, ridiculous man.

He appreciated the reach toward him and touch. Threaded his fingers through Anakin's even, simply because it was nice and there was a hand free now, to do that with.

He very much appreciated the sentiment, as he understood it.

But.

He was also deeply confused. "I... don't even understand the concept." Not of not doing it, no, that would be relatively simple comparatively, he didn't understand how the idea of doing it to begin with applied. "But thank you."

Because he appreciated the sentiment, the touch and really loved Anakin.

Oh, Obi-Wan.

Anakin didn't know what to say to help Obi-Wan. He wanted to, he wanted nothing more than to help him see just how wonderful and beautiful and talented he was. That was probably a conversation for another time. Or a series of small conversations over the course of a lifetime.

"What are you doing for the next twenty minutes to a half and hour?" Anakin settled for changing tactics.

Obi-Wan was fine, Anakin. In spite of being confused, he was pretty content again. They were 'home', it was a good break, there was a baby sleeping in Anakin's arms. Things were pretty good, for the moment, and they were a lot better than they would have been without Anakin's presence, in so many ways.

"I don't have plans," he said, with a hint of amusement. "What do you need?" Let him give it to you.

"Lean back," he said. "We're," meaning him and Luke, "going to get comfortable against you and take a nap." He was already shifting whether Obi-Wan wanted to be a part of this or not. And when he was done, he positioned Luke on his chest and grabbed Obi-Wan's hand to help keep a steady hand on Luke.

Anakin couldn't be radiating happiness more if his tried.

He had no objection to being used as a mattress, though he was glad there was other support from the couch. He closed his eyes and left his hand on Luke's back when it was put there.

Anakin radiating happiness, the rise and fall and warmth of a sleeping baby under his hand and he -

Well he did not sleep.

He did not exactly meditate, either.

What he did do was stretch so far out into the force that the division between what was him and what was Luke and what was Anakin and what was the live outside became... not absent but faint. It was actually very, very peaceful and restful.

The afternoon was bliss unlike anything Anakin had experienced before.

Yes, they were fighting a war against an entire Empire that was spreading fear and destruction across the galaxy.

But for one afternoon, it was just him, Obi-Wan, and Luke in that hut and that nap was the closest Anakin had ever come to peaceful meditation.

All things came to an end, sadly. And Luke had to be returned to the Lars farmstead. Anakin didn't cry more than a tear or two this time. Because he had hope there would be a next time.

He busied himself with the humidifier while Obi-Wan was gone until that was fixed. He could feel Obi-Wan approaching now so he went out wait for him, watching the setting suns.

He was pretty peaceful during that afternoon, too. His relationship with Luke was different, of course, but it was still nice to have him there. It was even nicer to have the impact of Luke on Anakin there.

He smiled slightly and pushed the hood of his cloak out of his face when he saw Anakin waiting, and reached one hand toward him.

"I think Lars is resigned to regular visits."

Anakin stepped forward, grabbing Obi-Wan's hand and pulled him closer so he could wrap his other arm around him. He smiled and kissed him.

"I'd like that."

And even he was surprised with how hearing that made his emotions swell. He'd seen Luke so few times, it was almost terrifying how much he loved him already - again.

"Thank you."

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject