darkforcerising | OPEN POST

He let go of absolutely zero of his physical tension, but he realized that he was being relied on and that served to make him at least be mindful of his own breathing - to slow it down, deepen it, and make sure it was steady.

He huffed out an amused breath of air.

"I want a shower." It was telling, actually, in ways Obi-Wan didn't really recognize. He hated being dirty in any regard but what he wanted right now went beyond a desire to wash. It had more to do with not feeling clean.

He did give Anakin a real answer that he recognized as a more sincere one, because... it was Anakin. "I'll be all right. I'll sort out the details of what and how that means when I'm done interacting with anyone but you."

And when the bodies were gotten rid of. That might help, some. At least out of sight.

Anakin couldn’t help but laugh. Of course Obi-Wan would want a shower.

But he also knew what Obi-Wan meant, and bolstered by the idea that they would process this later, Anakin was able to find the willpower to let go.

He stepped back, hands still on Obi-Wan’s shoulders.

“Okay, let’s go tell a Jedi what she’s won.”

He let go of Anakin when he started to let go, stepped back and took yet another deep breath and nodded.

Tell a Jedi what she's won. Drop out of Hyperspace. Dispose of bodies. Go to new coordinates. Meet Bail. Move themselves to a personal transport loaded with Anakin's astromech and candy.

He made sure to pick up Anakin's lightsaber before they left.

By the time they got through it, the willpower that was holding Obi-Wan together was wearing thin and he was so tired that his vision was actually starting to blur.

Being alone on the transport was a big enough relief that the moment they were underway he closed his eyes, just for a moment.

"We still need to get cleaned up."

Get cleaned up.

Anakin smiles softly. But he knew this wasn’t just about sweat.

In his hand he was playing with the set of kyber crystals they’d taken from the Inquisitor’s blade. Two unnaturally red crystals.

But he could change that.

“I know you’re seconds away from crawling out of your skin, but I think I can show you something that will help.” He held out one of the crystals for Obi-Wan to take. “Humor me for a moment.”

"I am not seconds away from crawling out of my skin." He actually managed to sound mildly irritated at that. Probably because he was exhausted, running out of willpower and... seconds away from crawling out of his skin.

It was pretty mild, though, and definitely short lived.

He nodded to Anakin, sat still, and humored him. He was curious, in spite of everything.

All Anakin “said” to that was a raised eyebrow.

He held the crystal he’d kept in the palm of his hand.

“To make the red Sith blade, you have to channel the Dark Side of the Force through the crystal until it’s red. It’s called bleeding the crystals. But,” he took a breath and reached for the Force, he started pulling it through the crystal. “You can cleanse and heal them by doing the same thing with the light side of the Force.”

The crystal started to glow, a tiny spark of red light in its center, but as the light intensified, the color changed, the deep red fading to white light. Anakin didn’t stop until the crystal in his hand shown with complete transparency.

“Can I have my lightsaber.” He only asked because he didn’t want Obi-Wan to jump out of his skin if he summoned it without warning.

He watched Anakin, and for all the term 'bleeding the crystal' made him grimace a bit, Anakin's continued explanation and the glow of white light and red fading away made him smile.

It wasn't incredibly profound, probably, but it was meaningful. It was good to see - heck, it was good to feel - after the past several hours.

He looked at the crystal in his hand and... didn't even try, at least yet. He did, however, keep the crystal in his hand.

He did, however, reach out and call Anakin's lightsaber to him and pass it to him.

No idea why Anakin hadn't done it himself, but he could certainly give it to Anakin.

Edited (fixing stuff, same content) 2020-01-14 23:32 (UTC)

Anakin didn’t push Obi-Wan to try now what he’d just done. But he hoped his friend would try some other time. Knowing what it felt like to do this, he was sure Obi-Wan would benefit from it.

Once he got his lightsaber, he opened it up and removed the crystals inside (those where the crystals that had called to him that umpteenth time to Iluim). His lightsaber was built for two crystals, but with a few small tweaks, it only needed the one. The one he’d just cleansed.

Then he turned it on.

The blade was white. Not red. Not blue. White.

He thought, maybe he could keep his weapon like this a while. Fix his old crystals someday when he felt like he’d earned the right to help them.

He gave Obi-Wan a soft smile and then turned off the lightsaber.

He smiled back at Anakin.

"It looks like the blade wielded by some kind of avenging god. Appropriate." His voice was very soft.

Because it was appropriate but it also hurt for some reason he couldn't quite identify at the moment. He stood up slowly, touching Anakin's shoulder just for the contact as he did. "If I know Bail we're well outfitted. I'm going to go shower and change into clean clothes. Come find me when you want me."

It was personal transport. It wouldn't be hard.

Anakin waited until he couldn’t hear the shower anymore. And then he sang to himself a few songs he knew the lyrics to - to help him gushed the passage of time without going through the annoying process of looking at his chronometer all the time only to discover a singular minute had passed, or a whole hour.

After the last song he got up in search of Obi-Wan. It didn’t take him long, the ship was well outfitted, but not a palace.

He found Obi-Wan sitting in the edge of a bed. He looked ... blank.

He walked to him, compassion had him dropping to his knees in front of him, his left hand seeking out Obi-Wan’s hands.

What lines had they just crossed? What terrible new, necessary path had they embarked?

“Hey, Old Man... What do you need?”

When Anakin took his hand, he returned his grip and dropped his forehead straight down against the top of Anakin's head and closed his eyes.

"A time machine," he said, snarkily.

The truth was, the path they'd set themselves on was a hard one to walk, but it was right. He accepted that, the same way he was accepting that his life was... this was what his life was, now. Not just the slaughter and fighting, but bouts of intense grief when he least expected them, now that he'd... un-numbed from the loss of absolutely everything.

Like seeing Anakin's lightsaber turned white. It was appropriate. It fit the new man wielding it, and it needed to happen.

This weapon is your life. New life. New crystal. It was beautiful.

But the loss of that guardian blue.... It was the loss of 'his' Anakin, and loss of the guardians themselves. That kind of thing kept tripping him, even among everything else.

He didn't leave the snark, though, because the snark was just a soft, slight, means of decompressing a tiny bit.

"Sleep, food, and you to realize that you're allowed to touch me with your right hand."

“We have at least ten different kinds of candy.”

Actually more. He’d asked for it as kind of a joke, but it had been worth it to see Obi-Wan’s expression at the request. Plus, candy was awesome.

He turned contemplative. “It’s habit. People don’t like prosthetics.” He still didn’t move his right hand to grip Obi-Wan’s like he was doing with his left.

“Better to not give someone the chance to recoil from you than to fell it happen.” He’d felt that so much in his life - a slave, from the Jedi, his prosthetic... he was tired of it, so didn’t chance it.

He still had his forehead down on the top of Anakin's head. That meant they absolutely could not look one another in the eye - a desirable thing for Obi-Wan at the moment, given that at some in there he started crying again.

No change in his breathing, no clear idea why, and no resistance to doing so, either. He wasn't even actually aware that he was crying.

"Oh, well in that case-" He reached down with his other hand and actually gripped onto Anakin's hand - the one he had built - very similarly to how he was holding Anakin's left hand.

"You're right handed, Anakin."

Anakin was aware, but he didn’t mind. As long as Obi-Wan wasn’t in distress, he was fine with this.

“I’d like to think that by now I’m competently ambidextrous.”

He squeezed Obi-Wan’s hand and tried not to visibly react to Obi-Wan grabbing his hand. People just didn’t treat him like that.

He was not in distress. He was just... bleeding out stress and grief. In a quietly understated, and profoundly Obi-Wan way. He didn't have any real coping skills or even emotional awareness. He could let himself bleed, though.

He tightened both his hands around Anakin's, both equally gentle.

"How long has it been since you lost your arm, again?"

"I was nineteen when I lost my arm the first time," Anakin said. "The other place I was living, I was twenty-two, almost twenty three when my jet crashed and I lost my arm." He phrased that as carefully as he could, knowing that he'd been twenty-three when he'd dueled with Obi-Wan on Mustafar.

"Well, at least you didn't also lose both legs and wind up on fire," he murmured.

It sounded absolutely callous but that was the point he finally got the reaction he'd expected, even half-been waiting for and accepted now with ...pretty undeniable resignation.

He started shaking like he had on the Tantive IV.

Very, very barely noticeable at first, but rapidly picking up intensity when images kept flashing through his mind, until he had to clench his jaw to keep his teeth from chattering.

Edited 2020-01-15 02:09 (UTC)

Anakin felt the change in Obi-Wan and started pulling him down so he could hold him.

I'm still here.

"I don't blame you, Obi-Wan," he said quietly. "I don't blame you."

He didn't resist Anakin. He went with the pull and - let Anakin hold him, though he wrapped his arms loosely around Anakin in return.

It will pass.

It had before, it would again. He just needed to ride it out.

"I know you don't." Anakin was also not Vader, and Vader most definitely did blame him. He couldn't do anything about that, though. "You were impressive, today."

Shaking, crying and just... resignedly letting that happen, along with being held and continuing to talk to Anakin? Yep.

"Usually only parents disillusioned by the mediocrity of their child's school choir performance cry while saying that phrase." He meant it as a joke.

"You held it together rather well, today... You're still doing fine."

Edited 2020-01-15 02:48 (UTC)

"I'm already bored by the tears."

Bored was not the right word, but it was possibly the most passive crying, ever. He unwrapped from Anakin a bit, but only so he could pretty intentionally find either one of Anakin's hands (he did not care) and hold it. The act of holding hands had become a grounding rod for them.

"I didn't mean just holding it together, though there's that.... you're better with your lightsaber than I remember." More refined, he means. "And... I did do fine. Which is part of the problem."

"I had the best instructor."

Anakin threaded their fingers together, holding Obi-Wan's hand fast.

"Why is having done fine part of the problem?" He was trying to get Obi-Wan to talk it out, find the right words, even if they were clumsy. Because there was a certain kind of power in being able to name the source of your emotion.

The tears started to taper off. That was mostly just the result of time. The shaking easing off some was entirely down to Anakin and physical contact.

"Because this had to be done and it will have to be done again - and I will do it again. But I don't know who - or what - I will be at the end of this, and whatever the answer to that is, I don't want it to be easy or comfortable."

Anakin understood this heartbreak. Who was he with these memories of massacre and genocide in his mind. He didn't know.

"You will be you," Anakin said. This would change them. That could not be stopped. But: "I'll make sure you're still recognizable. I'm not going to leave you. You're not going to get lost. I'll keep as much of you as possible."

He thought about that crystal in Anakin's hands, glowing with white light.

He smiled, slightly at Anakin. "You don't owe me anything. Especially that."

Then lifted his hand and brushed his thumb over Anakin's cheekbone and said, with absolute sincerity and gratitude: "But thank you."

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