darkforcerising | OPEN POST

When Anakin took his hand, he returned his grip and dropped his forehead straight down against the top of Anakin's head and closed his eyes.

"A time machine," he said, snarkily.

The truth was, the path they'd set themselves on was a hard one to walk, but it was right. He accepted that, the same way he was accepting that his life was... this was what his life was, now. Not just the slaughter and fighting, but bouts of intense grief when he least expected them, now that he'd... un-numbed from the loss of absolutely everything.

Like seeing Anakin's lightsaber turned white. It was appropriate. It fit the new man wielding it, and it needed to happen.

This weapon is your life. New life. New crystal. It was beautiful.

But the loss of that guardian blue.... It was the loss of 'his' Anakin, and loss of the guardians themselves. That kind of thing kept tripping him, even among everything else.

He didn't leave the snark, though, because the snark was just a soft, slight, means of decompressing a tiny bit.

"Sleep, food, and you to realize that you're allowed to touch me with your right hand."

“We have at least ten different kinds of candy.”

Actually more. He’d asked for it as kind of a joke, but it had been worth it to see Obi-Wan’s expression at the request. Plus, candy was awesome.

He turned contemplative. “It’s habit. People don’t like prosthetics.” He still didn’t move his right hand to grip Obi-Wan’s like he was doing with his left.

“Better to not give someone the chance to recoil from you than to fell it happen.” He’d felt that so much in his life - a slave, from the Jedi, his prosthetic... he was tired of it, so didn’t chance it.

He still had his forehead down on the top of Anakin's head. That meant they absolutely could not look one another in the eye - a desirable thing for Obi-Wan at the moment, given that at some in there he started crying again.

No change in his breathing, no clear idea why, and no resistance to doing so, either. He wasn't even actually aware that he was crying.

"Oh, well in that case-" He reached down with his other hand and actually gripped onto Anakin's hand - the one he had built - very similarly to how he was holding Anakin's left hand.

"You're right handed, Anakin."

Anakin was aware, but he didn’t mind. As long as Obi-Wan wasn’t in distress, he was fine with this.

“I’d like to think that by now I’m competently ambidextrous.”

He squeezed Obi-Wan’s hand and tried not to visibly react to Obi-Wan grabbing his hand. People just didn’t treat him like that.

He was not in distress. He was just... bleeding out stress and grief. In a quietly understated, and profoundly Obi-Wan way. He didn't have any real coping skills or even emotional awareness. He could let himself bleed, though.

He tightened both his hands around Anakin's, both equally gentle.

"How long has it been since you lost your arm, again?"

"I was nineteen when I lost my arm the first time," Anakin said. "The other place I was living, I was twenty-two, almost twenty three when my jet crashed and I lost my arm." He phrased that as carefully as he could, knowing that he'd been twenty-three when he'd dueled with Obi-Wan on Mustafar.

"Well, at least you didn't also lose both legs and wind up on fire," he murmured.

It sounded absolutely callous but that was the point he finally got the reaction he'd expected, even half-been waiting for and accepted now with ...pretty undeniable resignation.

He started shaking like he had on the Tantive IV.

Very, very barely noticeable at first, but rapidly picking up intensity when images kept flashing through his mind, until he had to clench his jaw to keep his teeth from chattering.

Edited 2020-01-15 02:09 (UTC)

Anakin felt the change in Obi-Wan and started pulling him down so he could hold him.

I'm still here.

"I don't blame you, Obi-Wan," he said quietly. "I don't blame you."

He didn't resist Anakin. He went with the pull and - let Anakin hold him, though he wrapped his arms loosely around Anakin in return.

It will pass.

It had before, it would again. He just needed to ride it out.

"I know you don't." Anakin was also not Vader, and Vader most definitely did blame him. He couldn't do anything about that, though. "You were impressive, today."

Shaking, crying and just... resignedly letting that happen, along with being held and continuing to talk to Anakin? Yep.

"Usually only parents disillusioned by the mediocrity of their child's school choir performance cry while saying that phrase." He meant it as a joke.

"You held it together rather well, today... You're still doing fine."

Edited 2020-01-15 02:48 (UTC)

"I'm already bored by the tears."

Bored was not the right word, but it was possibly the most passive crying, ever. He unwrapped from Anakin a bit, but only so he could pretty intentionally find either one of Anakin's hands (he did not care) and hold it. The act of holding hands had become a grounding rod for them.

"I didn't mean just holding it together, though there's that.... you're better with your lightsaber than I remember." More refined, he means. "And... I did do fine. Which is part of the problem."

"I had the best instructor."

Anakin threaded their fingers together, holding Obi-Wan's hand fast.

"Why is having done fine part of the problem?" He was trying to get Obi-Wan to talk it out, find the right words, even if they were clumsy. Because there was a certain kind of power in being able to name the source of your emotion.

The tears started to taper off. That was mostly just the result of time. The shaking easing off some was entirely down to Anakin and physical contact.

"Because this had to be done and it will have to be done again - and I will do it again. But I don't know who - or what - I will be at the end of this, and whatever the answer to that is, I don't want it to be easy or comfortable."

Anakin understood this heartbreak. Who was he with these memories of massacre and genocide in his mind. He didn't know.

"You will be you," Anakin said. This would change them. That could not be stopped. But: "I'll make sure you're still recognizable. I'm not going to leave you. You're not going to get lost. I'll keep as much of you as possible."

He thought about that crystal in Anakin's hands, glowing with white light.

He smiled, slightly at Anakin. "You don't owe me anything. Especially that."

Then lifted his hand and brushed his thumb over Anakin's cheekbone and said, with absolute sincerity and gratitude: "But thank you."

"Don't take it personally, then," Anakin said, a small smile. Did he lean into the hand? "I'd do that for any of my friends. You're no more or less special than they are. But seeing as you're the only one here right now, you're the only one I can focus on. You'll have to find it in you to endure me."

That... actually hurt. Not enough to make him withdraw entirely, but he definitely got his hands down and repressed what was left of the shaking. "Ah well, then let's hope it stays that way. I don't know how well your friends from home would handle this without your memories. I'm going to go find candy and make tea. Why don't you take advantage of free water and shower."

Edited 2020-01-15 03:44 (UTC)

Wait, what...

Something had happened, sharp and sudden. Like the mashing of piano keys during the middle of a concerto. Anakin was left with the distinct impression that he'd said the wrong thing, though he couldn't for the life of him figure out what.

Anakin had meant it as a joke - of course he owed it to Obi-Wan to keep his friend grounded, to watch out for him.

But all that aside, the quick dissipation of warmth left by Obi-Wan's hand left Anakin confused. And he missed the hand the second it was gone.

"Ya. Right," he said, nodding, rocking back on his heels and then standing up. He offered a hand down to Obi-Wan to help him stand.

"I'll come out when I'm done," he said it kind of absently. And he flexed his fingers to keep his hand from moving up to touch where Obi-Wan was no longer touching him.

He took the hand and used it to regain his feet. He didn't want to let go, but he did and did so as soon as he was upright.

He should not have been hurt by Anakin telling him, in essence, he was a friend but not special. He had been.

He should not have been reluctant to let go of Anakin's hand. He was.

He was tempted to try out one of the curse words Anakin had brought back from his new life, if only to himself.

What was he thinking? Worse, what was he doing?

"I'll be in the galley."

And he was. Standing with one hip cocked against the counter while he waited for the water to boil the old fashioned way, with two mugs beside him and a box of candy on the table.

Bail's idea of his size was not quite right - the sleeves of the tunic were just slightly too long, everything was a little baggy. Combined with damp hair, and the fact that he was staring not quite vacantly at the kettle, while he tried to wrap his head around what in the name of the Force he thought he was playing at, he actually looked pretty... vulnerable.

It would fade away pretty fast, probably, but in that instant? Yeah.

Anakin let the water wash away the memory of that touch on his face. The thing about water on ships, it was always recycled, on a loop, he could stand there for a bit, letting the steam clear his head.

But then he was quick about the shower and changing into fresh clothes.

He walked out into the galley in bare feet and surveyed the candy.

"I barely remember some of these," his voice a bit excited. Did it sound forced? He was hoping he just sounded natural.

He grabbed the box and tapped out a few pieces into his hand.

He watched Obi-Wan. But found he was reluctant to look for him in the Force. Suddenly that felt invasive.

He held the box out to him. "You okay?"

He... wasn't actually trying to hide himself in the force, or shielding from Anakin. He'd prefer his privacy right now, but he could not bring himself to shut Anakin out.

His smile was a little strained, but it was a smile. "Have you considered not living on sugar?" It wasn't like he wasn't going to sweeten the daylights out of his tea.

Joke out of the way - and hopefully recognized as an attempt at levity: "I am. I just overwhelmed myself." That much was certain, at least.

"Sugar is actually good for my ADHD." Not a lie. Though he'd been told this by doctors, he might be running a little bit too far with it.

He nodded. "I can leave you to meditate if you want." He did not want this, and this time it wasn't because he would be bored without entertainment. He kept this to himself.

"I think you've mentioned that before. Just try to eat something with protein too. You used a lot of energy today. I don't want you to-"

Yeah, no, this sounded fine, but it felt uncomfortable. Forget the diversionary conversation, even if he'd started it.

"I don't want to be alone, Anakin. I absolutely do not want to meditate." For the same reason he wasn't prepared to try to purify that crystal - and was less prepared than he had been, before he'd cried all over Anakin, though he probably needed it more. "I... appreciate your company and your friendship. I'm sorry you're here, but I don't want to lose either."

This was new. Obi-Wan never not wanted to meditate. The man did it for sixteen hours once! Or maybe more than once. The man had an ability.

"Alright," Anakin said trying not to let his concern show. "I'm not going anywhere. I've been thinking..." He popped another one of the pieces of candy into his mouth. "At first I thought maybe the Force brought me back here to change how ... things play out for the galaxy. But, maybe," he shrugged. "Maybe it brought me back here for you... You deserved so much more than what I remember you getting.

"I mean," he started rambling. "Why not earlier when I could have warned you what Palpatine was doing to Vader? Or to the Republic?

"... I donno. Maybe there isn't sense to what happened."

It was new. The Force was... usually comfortable for Obi-Wan. Something he could sink into and be at home. Reach into and be reached into by.

Usually.

He wasn't usually more than half afraid of the Force, even when it was roiling with Darkness. He knew it was irrational, but he still more than half-felt like if he really reached into it, the Darkness was either going to cling to him and never come out, or it would burn him.

It didn't matter. It was irrational and he'd get there, just wasn't quite there, yet and not what he was thinking about, anyway.

Because Anakin had just stunned him.

"We may not know the sense of it, but there is sense. It was deliberate. I felt it, and we may as well make as most good of it as we can." He poured the tea. "Though Qui-Gon always said that life is neither fair nor unfair, but up to us to make it either one. Whatever it is you remember me getting? Is probably exactly what I deserved." A pause.

He did not want Anakin to leave. He really did not. Which was mildly alarming.

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