darkforcerising | OPEN POST

"Because you're uncomfortable?" Anakin really wasn't sure. Yes, he was uncomfortable. But that must because Obi-Wan was uncomfortable.

"Why are you uncomfortable?"

"Because I realized I am getting awfully comfortable with touching you." He'd said he was done and he meant it. If that meant some blunt talk, so be it. He still didn't fully understand, but he got that part, at least.

That and - Okay, he would probably not be telling Anakin that he'd been stung when Anakin had called him no more or less special than any friend. That was just ridiculousness.

"Oh." Anakin looked at his drink and then threw it back.

"I didn't realize I was making you uncomfortable." And though he didn't want to say it, because that would be the end of it, he added, "We can stop. I know Jedi don't like that kind of closeness. I'm sorry I... pushed you into it."

He sighed, not the heavy sigh of exhaustion and sadness that had been most common lately, but impatience and irritation. The sigh escaped him as he refilled both their glasses.

"You didn't push. I am not uncomfortable because you pushed. I'm uncomfortable because-" Because why, Obi-Wan. Come on, he had to have an answer instead of a blank wall. "I'm uncomfortable because I'm not uncomfortable with it. I...." He trailed off, helplessly. "I don't want to stop." Which was the problem.

Well, the tip of the iceberg of the problem.

"I'm leaning on you."

Anakin steepled his hands in front of his mouth to suppress a laugh. And he looked down so that his eyes wouldn't give it away, but from all of this, how could Obi-Wan not know?

But really - Uncomfortable because he wasn't uncomfortable?

"Why does that make you uncomfortable," Anakin asked when he knew laughter wouldn't burst out of his mouth. "There's nothing wrong with touching someone if they consent to it. Or being touched if you consent to that."

He understood what Anakin was saying. He agreed with Anakin. Completely. He did not appreciate it, largely because he felt cornered into honesty by the necessity of having this conversation and there wasn't enough alcohol in the galaxy to make this conversation come easily for him.

"I touch people on a regular basis. I don't trust them this much nearly as often," he said and took the second shot of whiskey.

WEll, okay, he touched people on a regular basis in polite and non-intimate ways, and very rarely more familiar and intimate ones. Or much more intimate ones where there was no intimacy. The fact remained -

"We don't know that you're even capable of staying here!"

At first Anakin was stung by the idea that Obi-Wan might not trust him, even after the last month. But then he finished talking and something clicked. It was a cruel thing to love something death could touch. In Anakin's case - just popping out of existence.

Obi-Wan was afraid the person he'd come to rely on would just one day disappear. And to be fair, he'd just popped up. Object permanence was a great concern when it came to him. This is why it was called a social support network - a group of people you could rely on, never just one person bolstering you all the time.

"No one is ever truly leaves you," he said. "Not with the Force. We will always find each other in the Force."

He thought seriously of asking Anakin if he would like a list of people who had, very much left, and how long he had and how he would like that list prioritized, alphabetically or in concentric circles.

But he also knew he'd said the same thing to Anakin, and the fact that he'd now experienced more loss now than he had then, and had lost the framework that had made it bearable didn't really change anything. Maybe something about what had happened to his social support network? Which hadn't been Anakin had never truly understood but had made sense to him.

He also really was getting awfully close to a lot of things that were dangerous - like premeditated murder, attachment and fear - to keep going down that path.

"I know." And also: "Focus on the present." Not the future. "I'm fine. I just needed us past that-" Whatever it was.

Past what? Were they at something and now it was gone?

"I'm going to stay as long as I can. The Force and I have a mixed relationship, but it owes me. And I want to stay here."

He meant the awkwardness. He wished that, rather than the other ...whatever it was - ease? Comfort? ...need? -thing.

"I know. And I'm glad you to want to stay. Now keep drinking until we're back to a point where we're both comfortable collapsed on the floor and in tears."

Maybe, actually, this was some strange diversion. Being unable to cope with what happened today. Finding something minor to pull at.

Anakin laughed and poured them another drink.

"It all makes sense now," he said. Then threw back the drink. "If that's your definition of comfortable, I can see why just talking here is very strange."

"The problem isn't talking, Anakin, it's saying anything that matters."

Truer words he had probably never spoken about himself, but this was his ... fourth drink to Anakin's second and he was, at least, finally feeling some effect. Nothing terribly strong - he could drink - but enough to have him relaxing and to feel warmth.

"I meant it when I said you didn't need to be responsible for... safe-guarding my sanity, I suppose." What he means is 'turning into everything he has sworn to fight', but even now those words weren't ones he wants to give voice to. "You have enough of your plate. I could feel Vader's memories trying to surface while you were interacting with the Inquisitor. I can only imagine how hard that was."

Well, if that wasn’t sobering...

Anakin looked down at his glass because it was something not Obi-Wan’s earnest face to look at. He shouldn’t feel ashamed for that. As much as Obi-Wan couldn’t help recalling memories from Mustafar, Anakin couldn’t help his own brain from bringing up his past. And yet... he was suddenly not all right.

“Sometimes...” he started, and then tried to shrug it off. “Sometime helping someone you care about helps you with your own problems.”

The thought of how easily Obi-Wan had felt him slip, if even just a little had him pouring another drink.

His shields were breaking down, he realized. Alcohol? Exhaustion? Trauma? Some combination of them all, likely, but while he was usually aware enough - especially of Anakin - it didn't usually feel as direct as it did just then.

"Yes, and sometimes someone who cares about you needs to keep forcing you to acknowledge what you would rather not, if only so they can repeatedly remind you that you are more than that." A tiny pause, because he did realize he was hurting Anakin, but also that the one thing Anakin needed to believe was the one thing he couldn't stand to hear. He'd said it once, tried more than that in other ways, but.

He set his glass aside and pushed up to sit on the edge of the counter, still incredibly close. "Anakin.... Vader's memories existing within you horrify me, but they horrify me because you are not Vader and no innocent person should be subjected to that ...torture. You lived and you died and are every bit as... new and bright as the blade of your saber. Let. Me. Help. You."

“I’m not...” Anakin choked on the words. Shaking his head. He wasn’t innocent.

He needed to hear someone say it exactly like that. He’d been living that second life, had made stupid, average mistakes. But he’d never even provoke a fist fight, or been in one, and then he got memories of committing murder, massacres, eventually genocide. That hadn’t been him.

He blinked and realized it was his turn to cry.

He leaned towards Obi-Wan, a hand reaching up to pull the other man close so their foreheads touched. “Take it to mean I know what to look for to keep you you.”

Sitting on the counter as he was, he had to change his position a bit to make room for Anakin to step in between his knees to be able to reach him, but it wasn't as though that were a hardship.

He left one hand resting open on the counter, and wrapped the other around the back of Anakin's neck. He kept his eyes open. He was fascinated by the color in Anakin's eyes from this close.

"Yes." Simple agreement. "So long as you take me letting you to mean I know that I couldn't be afraid of you if I tried." Training inspired flashbacks not withstanding. Because that wasn't Anakin.

"Fine!" Anakin said, defiantly, grinning. Because if he had to give, it wouldn't be without letting it be known it was his choice. Not something taken from him.

But then he paused, because this was the part where he should move away. Pour them another drink maybe. Make a joke. Do something other than stare back at Obi-Wan, vaguely aware of his heart rate increasing or that his fingers were moving to play with the hair at the nape of Obi-Wan's neck or that he was standing between Obi-Wan's legs or...

Instead, he licked his lips, tasting alcohol and a sudden longing... and glanced down at Obi-Wan's, like that mattered.

There were so many things there that should have made what he wanted - and Anakin wanted - obvious. Signals stacked on top of signals and he might have been able to miss them all, if not for Anakin's hand moving to his neck.

The slide of Anakin's fingers against skin as they played with his hair, right over his spine, however got such a response from him that there was no missing exactly what was going on. It was intimate. It was vulnerable. It turned trust into something physical. His reaction was fairly subtle, because he was himself, but it wasn't tentative.

His chin dropped a bit, which arched his neck up and into Anakin's hand with a very, very faint shudder and put him at exactly the right angle to move his hand to hold Anakin's jaw and kiss him.

Softly, but not tentatively and not even remotely chastely.

It was amazing how it had taken this final puzzle piece for the picture to become clear. Especially given Anakin’s past relationships. He’d been so wrapped up in not wanting to hurt Obi-Wan more that he hadn’t seen the orbit they’d landed in. Two stars finding each other.

Everything made a lot more sense now. And he responded with complete understanding, deepening the kiss, physically asking for more.

He had enough sense to place his glass on the counter before moving his other hand to Obi-Wan’s back to pull him in closer, so more of each other could touch.

After all the awkwardness, the fumbling, the tears and the trauma, he should have been surprised by the... confidence and clarity of Anakin's response.

He wasn't, in the least.

Anakin asked for more and he got it. Obi-Wan responded easily and immediately to Anakin deepening the kiss, with a fleeting thought about Anakin and whiskey being an ideal pairing. The light pressure on his back and he moved forward and hooked his ankles around Anakin's knees to not only bring them closer, but to keep them there. He reached up and fisted his free hand firmly in the back of Anakin's tunic for the same reason.

Mostly, though, he... let go a little. Let barely recognized desire turn into a wave of want, and if it was more banked warmth than heat, it was because he was being careful with Anakin.

It didn't stop a very, very soft groan from escaping his throat.

Falling into place was the right descriptor. They had, and the way he wrapped around Anakin was a clear indicator that he was not going to let go easily.

Edited 2020-01-15 18:32 (UTC)

Anakin was surprised by Obi-Wan’s response, the man renowned for reservation and poise. Him giving even a little was in comparison to previous behavior was actually quite a lot. Even just that much, even that soft a groan was a language Anakin spoke fluently, even if the words were now being spun in new, never before used sentences.

Anakin’s answer was a breathless gasp, barely a pause before continuing.

Surprised but not halted, the withdrawn defenses pooled desire in Anakin’s core.

Wanting more, but knowing pushing wouldn’t get him more, Anakin dropped any mental barriers he’d set up in the Force, an invitation to let Obi-Wan feel everything inside him if he wanted, at his pace. Because they could do this forever or a second, whichever Obi-Wan preferred.

He had already noticed his own defenses were... not at their best. He had already been trying to pay very close attention - not just here, in this, but before. Because of the battle, because of his concern, and because of wanting to be careful with Anakin.

The result of Anakin dropping all his mental barriers between them was him falling into Anakin.

Which meant, in practice, he fell into Anakin's desire - the surprise and patience and that it was an offer, not a demand, that was being made were things he aware of, but Anakin letting him in that deeply, as well as feeling Anakin's desire that directly....

It took 'warmth' from banked fires and flew gasoline on them. It was perfect, it was beautiful, it was so wholly and completely Anakin (literally) and it was completely overwhelming.

He tightened the grip of his hand on Anakin's back, and his legs around Anakin's. There was no fear there, no desire to stop and he was making physically very sure Anakin couldn't step back, even as he wrenched out of the kiss.

Because he broke it only so he could nip sharply at Anakin's jaw and take a second to catch his breath. Which amounted to all but panting against Anakin's neck. If he were less reserved he would have been clawing at Anakin.

"A little warning next time, maybe?" his voice and mind both carrying good humor right along with with arousal.

“I’m sorry,” he said, he wasn’t, though. He was grinning as he apologized. He liked the feeling of Obi-Wan pressed against him, physically and in the Force. Breathless, in Obi-Wan’s ear, “I forget how loud I am sometimes.”

But he could go slow, he could stay here while Obi-Wan acclimated. That didn’t mean he stopped, he just found new ground to cover. Like this spot below Obi-Wan’s ear... the side of his neck... only to be frustrated by the collar of his tunic.

"Not loud," he murmured, "vivid."

He didn't quite regain his breath so much as recover some balance, but that was good enough, thank you very much.

He wasn't in the least uncertain or hesitant in tilting his head to give Anakin's mouth better access to his throat, or moving his hands down to the hem of Anakin's tunic and pushing upward, palms sliding over skin with just the slightest drag of callouses, because he wanted it off and out of their way. Because he just wanted more skin.

What was uncertain and hesitant was him pulling what was left of his own mental defenses down and out of the way. The reasoning was the same as Anakin's - the less between them the better - but that one scared him just a little. Open was not something he usually was. He wanted to be here, but it wasn't the easiest thing in the world for him.

Fortunately he had desire and Anakin's skin under his hand and Anakin's mouth on him to provide both distraction and motivation.

Anakin knew that in these matters you invited, offered, asked, never demanded. Everything was more enjoyable when everyone was comfortable. Which isn’t to say there wouldn’t be awkward moments, those two concepts were not mutually exclusive. He just knew how to accept what was offered, even if he what he offered in return was more.

Greed was a different property altogether in this, creating an inverse affect: the more that he gave the more he was satisfied.

He both wanted Obi-Wan’s hand to explore more, but he hesitated, he let Obi-Wan feel it. And then he mentally encouraged Obi-Wan to keep going, because his hands would eventually find the scars on his back and side from the jet crash. He stopped kissing Obi-Wan’s neck and rested his head against the side of Obi-Wan’s, letting this moment of vulnerability happen, because it needed to happen.

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