darkforcerising | OPEN POST

He was pretty sure what Qui-Gon was trying to teach him was about being able to let go of everything, actually, but he was not so far gone that he didn't see the practical applications here.

Even if what he'd done here was the result of doing anything but being willing to let go.

He was also absolutely sure that forgiving himself, much less loving himself, was an impossible proposition. Impossible enough for him to not even be able to figure out how that was a possibility, or to even make an attempt. He wanted to ask Anakin just how much Anakin had forgiven himself.

The thing was, he did love Anakin and he did love Anakin enough to do the thing there that he understood, and that was try to reach back toward the light.

Because Anakin was right. The idea that someone who fell was lost forever was a lie. He knew that (now).

He had the same problem he'd had before, only more so: He couldn't hold onto it. He couldn't get far enough away from fear/anger (and now hate, grief, self-loathing, and other things he'd let bubble up to get to Anakin) for long enough to be able to keep any sort of focus or grip. It felt like trying to hold onto a fistful of water.

But he absolutely did try, and he kept trying, even if it kept slipping out of his grasp.

Edited 2020-03-08 18:43 (UTC)

What was love but letting go?

Obi-Wan trying was enough for Anakin. He'd pull them the rest of the way.

He reached for the Force and started pulling it through the crystals in their hands. He reached for Obi-Wan's presence in the Force, pulling them together, weaving himself into Obi-Wan as much as the man would let him. It was here he felt all of Obi-Wan's negative emotions - the hate and self-loathing he was intimately familiar with because of his own experiences. And he knew why Obi-Wan clung to them. He acknowledge them, tried to let Obi-Wan know he understood.

Let go.

He started pulling more of the Force, but made the target wider: them. The Light was warm at first, like a welcoming glow, but it grew steadily hotter until it reached the level of painful. The crystals in the palms of their hands felt like fire - he'd know - but when he looked, there were no flames. He'd survived immolation before, and he knew with certainty only found in the Force that they would survive this.

He gripped Obi-Wan's hand tighter, tugged him closer in his embrace.

The gray surfaces of the corridor walls, ceiling, and floors started to reflect a brilliant white, and it took Anakin a moment to realize it was them who were casting the light. As the light got brighter, he closed his eyes. Nothing outside of this mattered.

He didn't stop pulling the Force until he felt Obi-Wan touch it, grab it, and find a steady grip. He wouldn't stop until he felt Obi-Wan was back. He knew Obi-Wan would never be the same after this, but he'd never been the same after his fall either. Sometimes things changed, but it would still be okay. Because he was here, with Obi-Wan, and he wasn't going to leave him again.

Obi-Wan let Anakin weave them together, but not deeply. Enough for there to be connection, yes, and for that connection to be solid, but no more than that. Enough for him to know what Anakin was offering was empathy, rather than sympathy, but really entwining he couldn't stomach the thought of.

For Anakin's sake.

The same reason that he allowed himself to be pulled in closer, but ultimately put a hand up on Anakin's shoulder and maintained some physical distance even while allowing himself to be held. He just... couldn't accept more than that.

Even when Light started being pulled through him, surrounded him and burned from the inside out, made him shake, made him sweat, made his teeth clench hard against it, felt it quite literally burn away not just dark but shadows. He felt half-blinded and certainly there were tears streaming from his eyes, unchecked and silent.

There was just that little bit of distance he would not let Anakin across.

He did, however, even holding that space solidly manage to find a proper grip on the Light, in the force, and distance or no he returned Anakin's grip on him, both physical and metaphysical.

He kept holding on until the burn faded and light faded enough to allow him to see again, and see Anakin within the brilliant white light and... well, in spite of everything else and the fact that both he and the relationship felt utterly wrecked he absolutely, utterly, loved Anakin.

It hurt, the way Obi-Wan maintained the distance between them after months of sharing level of intimacy that could best be described as living inside one another.

Changed.

Anakin knew Obi-Wan would be. He would need to find a way to accept it.

Having Obi-Wan back was enough, it would be enough for a while... And if they never reached that level of intimacy again? Well, it would still be enough because Anakin loved him. Having him back in any way was enough when you loved someone.

He didn't let go yet. He needed to be sure about what Obi-Wan could handle.

"Do you think you can fight beside me? Enough to take the ship?" Obi-Wan had already taken out so much of the crew. But if he wasn't up for anything more, Anakin wouldn't push it. "Or just enough to get out of here?"

He... was changed, yes, but the reason for the distance was just absolute disgust and lack of trust in himself. He could get back to the light, yeah, and had. He could even hold onto it.

If he'd been self-loathing before, though, what he was now deserved a better word. He honestly felt like he was going to contaminate or infect Anakin.

Anakin who already had a lifetime of memories of life in the Dark and atrocities that Obi-Wan had failed to save him from in his head.

He nodded silently at Anakin. "I can." He had that dissociation trick to revert to. He could do that and it would provide enough of a buffer, along with the pure intensity of having been... burned clean, metaphorically... to rely on. "We could use the ship." Get something solid out of this - though Anakin still being alive was already worth it. More than worth it.

Anakin understood every reason Obi-Wan was maintaining distance, the feelings of unworthiness were difficult to navigate. How many times had he thought after the Raiders that he'd been better than that. Had known better.

He didn't judge Obi-Wan for any of this.

And they could talk about this more, later, when they were no longer in danger.

"Let's take the ship." He nodded grimmly, he would give Obi-Wan the space he needed.

He stepped back, and calling the Inquisitor's lightsaber to him. He slotted the crystals and turned it on - just the one side, he wasn't an idiot. The white blade was beautiful.

"I have a message I want to send to the Empire," he said with a small smile.

That weapon is your life.

Anakin had lost his own, then found another one and made it his own.

That was beautiful.

...He wanted to find the original badly, but that could wait until after they took the ship. It had to be here somewhere. He wanted it back. He needed it back. He might not be doing so hot on the letting go thing.

He felt a little better about that, at least, when he reminded himself that he had the original crystal, hanging just under his tunic.

He nodded in understanding, turned his own blade on and let himself all but disappear into the Force. Become basically transparent as he stretched out into it and it into him. After that he just started moving and, well, there was no darkness fueling him and he wasn't crushing people with the force - or using direct application of the Force at all - but he was still a highly disturbing, highly effective, almost robotic killing machine.

After what he'd already done and with Anakin beside him, it wasn't going to take long for them to be the only living beings on the ship.

Anakin wanted to find his lightsaber again, too. Mostly because it was meant to go to someone else, when the age was right. He was just using it for the time being. But they had a whole hyperjump trip to search for it.

He started the nav computer calculating a hyperjump and turned off the short range communications array. They didn't need any local Imperials to try contacting them as they started leaving. He kept the long range communication system open.

He typed up the message for Palpatine and Vader. He'd never used their private communications channels before, but it felt time to breach that boundary.

Ho, Ho, Ho! Now we have a star destroyer

He didn't keep Obi-Wan from seeing it, he'd explain it if the man asked.

The nav computer beeped, producing a vector. Anakin hit the propulsion and autolocked the jump. The planet in the giant viewport started to drop out of sight. He watched the countdown to hyperjump and waited until the last moment to send the message. The confirmation that the message was sent chimed just before the pinpoints of lights on the horizon elongated and bled together into hyperspace.

He turned to Obi-Wan then. Went to him, put his hand - left hand - on his shoulder.

"Do you want to talk, or do you want me to leave you alone?"

He was curious about the message but assumed most of the nature of it was pretty self-evident and didn't ask for more.

He didn't do more than glance at it, either, instead opting to listlessly watching the planet falling away and then the jump into hyperspace. He was almost unaware of Anakin approaching - not entirely but enough that he didn't have time to more politely evade the touch and ended up cringing away from it.

His mental shields were shaky and erratic, and the bond between them was in place, but he just....

Just....

He was nauseated and he didn't know what to do with himself or how to answer the question because he didn't have an answer.

"...How fully outfitted is this ship? What are we going to do with the bodies and do you know where the refreshers will be?

Anakin resisted the urge to pull Obi-Wan into a tight hug and just hold him until... forever.

Instead, Anakin pulled his hand back and respected Obi-Wan's space.

"I can show you to the captain's quarters." The refresher would be bigger, and yet still feel enclosed, instead of a row of showers for troops.

"I'll take care of the bodies." In addition to moving them himself - the Force was good for this - he had a plan to override every droid he encountered. He'd have an army of droids scrubbing this place before they exited hyperspace. It would give him something to do.

"No." He was firm on that, even understanding the gist of what Anakin was doing and the kindness of it. He didn't... feel deserving enough of compassion to want anything to do with it. "Most of this is my mess. I won't ask you not to help, but I won't let you do it alone."

Even if it was just overriding droid commands, but especially if it was more than that. He wasn't going to be sheltered that way. It wasn't... just.

Anakin saw reason not to argue. He understood the need to be doing something. He nodded.

"We can take them down to the engines. Have them thrown into the sublights when we drop out of hyperspace." Crude, but effective for destroying bodies. Everything would burn up. And he was really hoping to use droids for that part because nothing about that was pleasant.

"But we go to the captain's quarters first."

He was so... not just glad but grateful for the lack of argument that even if he'd been able to use more words right now he would have struggled to find them.

"We can use the droids to help and multi-task by looking - and having the droids look - for your lightsaber." He rubbed his eyes a bit and then dropped his hand to look at Anakin with mild curiosity. "All right, but why?"

"Because... you asked where the refershers were," Anakin pointed out. "The Captain's quarters have private bathrooms. I'm assuming that's a pressing need if you asked about them?"

"I need to throw up and shower," he said, apologetically, "I'll probably need more of both after we've finished disposing of those bodies.... May as well wait?" Yes, yes including the vomiting violently thing. He'd been a Jedi after all.

"Obi-Wan," Anakin started to say, but stopped himself.

Patience did not come naturally to Anakin, but he reminded himself he needed to be patient with what Obi-Wan was now going through.

Even if Anakin thought that talking first would be better, it wouldn't hurt anyone if they tracked down a few droids to start the process of cleaning up the bodies.

He'd still find a way to fit talking in sooner rather than later, but for now, activity over standing still.

"Alright," he said gently. "Let's go find some droids."

Obi-Wan, of course, had no idea what the point of talking would be, how it could help or what he could say that would make any difference-

but he didn't intend to not try, either.

Even if he wasn't sure what he'd be trying to do.

He nodded in thanks and then went one direction to start looking for those droids so he could get this started. Body disposal and finding that lightsaber. He made a point of not avoiding looking at the mangled bodies he was responsible for along the way. He might have even looked a little extra hard.

He was definitely, direly, in need of that refresher by the time they were done though, at about the limit of putting things off. "Okay. Show me the Captain's quarters, please."

Anakin would have preferred Obi-Wan not pushing himself until the very last limit of his nerves, but he knew he shouldn't be so surprised. This was the man who had waited days after his arms were broken to finally treat them - and even then, it was Anakin who'd forced him to address the issue. Of course he wouldn't even acknowledge the concept of self-care.

But he obliged the man and took him to the captain's quarters.

The were bigger than the rooms on the ship Bail gave to them. There was the reception room. Off to the right would be the conference room. To the left the sleeping quarters, and in there, the refresher. The bed was not larger than the ones on the Maverick, but the room was.

"The bathroom is in there." He pointed to the door.

And then he paused, looking at Obi-Wan.

"We should talk, but," he remembered the most pressing reason Obi-Wan had asked for the refresher after started to speak, "I mean after you throw up. I don't mean to keep you from that."

He understood the concept of self-care just fine.

He understood it to mean taking enough care of himself to be functional enough to be useful (or at bare minimal not a liability) to other people or in pursuit of a larger goal or greater good.

When there was no belief in his ability to useful to a greater good, larger purpose, or another person, things got dicey, fast. When Anakin had first arrived on Tatooine was a good example of that. This... was probably an even better one.

He was quiet along the way to the Captain's quarters, and quickly honed in on the 'fresher.

His shoulders tensed just a bit at mention of talking, but he wasn't going to avoid, dammit, so he simply nodded. "Thank you. I'll be right back."

Then excused himself and threw up violently until his eyes watered, his stomach was sore and his hands were shaking. He rinsed his mouth and brushed his teeth (thanks to the Captain's supplies and he should have hesitation about that but didn't), then came back out.

"Do you want to talk in here, or would you prefer the other room?"

Anakin was sitting on the bed when Obi-Wan came back in, managing to lift his head up from his hands just before Obi-Wan came back out.

"Obi-Wan, sit." He touched the space on the bed next to him, conveniently to his left so he could reach him with his hand that could feel everything he wanted to feel.

"Let me have your hand."

He went to the bed and sat down to Anakin's left, but not too close. There was still that little bit of a buffer zone between them, and he wasn't even consciously doing it.

He turned his hand over, looked at it and then with palpable confusion offered it to Anakin.

As if Anakin didn't notice the space. He didn't move to correct it, yet.

But he take Obi-Wan's hand and threaded their fingers together.

"You injured yourself today. I want you to acknowledge that."

Probably not where Obi-Wan was expecting this to start. Anakin wasn't here to judge - and reality, he didn't come from a place where he could judge. Obi-Wan had turned to the Dark Side, but his actions afterwards weren't ... okay, the Empire would consider them criminal, but there was a morally just argument for taking out an enemy. Anakin never had the moral high ground with his falls.

He let Anakin do what he wanted with his hand, though he didn't become less perplexed at just having his hand held. He shouldn't have been confused at all, of course, but there was a moment where he felt like he was missing something --

then the feeling intensified because he wasn't injured at all, beyond minor scrapes and bruises that didn't count.

He was reminded, though -

"How badly are you hurt? Have you treated it and do we have bacta?" That was not intentional evasion, it honestly wasn't. His brain just kept snapping back to things he needed to do and shying away from what he'd already done as anything even remotely sympathetic.

"I'm fi-"

No, he stopped, Obi-Wan wasn't being elusive on purpose. Nothing in the 'Jedi Handbook' of their training ever prepared a Jedi for what to do if you actually turned to the Dark Side and then came back.

Even though they'd watched Ahsoka do it. Quinlin Vos do it. And to some extent, Ventress. The Order had never claimed her as a member, but she'd been trained by a Jedi at a point in her life, and she'd given her life to save Vos.

And there was himself, too. He almost didn't count himself.

Simply put, they had clear evidence it was not a death-sentence. They could could heal from this.

But he, and moreso Obi-Wan, had so little instruction about this part of continuing to live after coming back from the Dark Side.

No, Obi-Wan wasn't doing this on purpose.

"You can dress the cuts on my arm if you stay and talk and listen to me. There's probably a med kit in the bathroom," he said and reluctantly took his hand away from Obi-Wan so he could take his tunic off, easiest way to get at the cuts on his arm.

No, there was no shortage of evidence that he could continue to do what Anakin had told him to and survive. This wasn't something that was a death sentence. That didn't mean he didn't thoroughly hate himself - the standards to which he held himself were higher than he would have held anyone else, and he'd never felt like a particularly good Jedi, anyway - but he didn't expect to die.

Knowing how to live now was something else entirely.

"I'm not going to run away." He got up and went into the bathroom and grabbed the kit, came back and sat down beside Anakin on the edge of the bed and got the kit open so he could find some bacta in a tube and some basic, easy to apply, bandages to go with it.

Once he settled with that he added: "And I'm listening."

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