darkforcerising | OPEN POST

"When my mom died."

For the same reason Obi-Wan was twisted up inside right now, Anakin was suddenly nervous. Sure, Obi-Wan had accepted him back after knowing he'd been Vader, but that didn't mean he wouldn't reject him now. Those old fears, the reason he'd never told Obi-Wan in the first place, were still there, apparently.

"I made it to her the night she died. I snuck into the tent where the tribe had been keeping her, torturing her. She lived just long enough after that to tell me she loved me."

He took a breath because he couldn't help the feelings of failure and loss and guilt from bubbling up to the surface as he talked about his mom's death.

Anakin took a breath and then pressed on because Obi-Wan needed to understand, even if he now rejected Anakin, that he needed to heal from this trauma so he didn't make Anakin's same mistakes. This wouldn't just go away without redress.

"I killed the whole tribe."

He was not in a normal mental state, even by Jedi - or Obi-Wan - standards. Even so, there was not a chance in hell that he would reject Anakin now.

He'd failed and failed and failed Anakin.

He remembered Anakin's dreams about his mother dying and remembered very well not taking them seriously enough. He remembered not taking the time to find out more about the circumstances of her death, or to be supportive or even physically present in the aftermath.

He wasn't going to reject Anakin. He was going to feel guilty about it, though, deeply. His throat went tight and his eyes stung, but he kept his gaze down on finishing up bandaging Anakin's arm.

"I'm sorry." Which was of course useless. And, no, he was not missing that it wouldn't just go away or that was why Anakin was telling him now. He didn't know what to do about that part.

And it didn't change that he was really fucking sorry.

Edited 2020-03-09 02:36 (UTC)

Anakin felt that surge of guilt from across their bond, and thought for a moment it was his own before realizing it was from Obi-Wan.

"I don't blame you," he said. "I'm the one that didn't go to her sooner. And when I did, I'm the one that lost control of myself. And... I'm the one that never told you."

"You should." That was matter-of-fact, if quiet. He was still crying, but it wasn't reflecting in his voice at all. It was just... happening. "You were a child. You came to me for help and I dismissed you. You would have had a hard time going to her sooner at that state of your life without my cooperation and I didn't give it. You might even had told me if I'd been available for you to tell or had ever succeeded in making you feel safe with me, and I didn't manage to do that either."

"I was nineteen- that's an adult, that's only half your age right now," Anakin pointed out.

"I should have told you... I almost did so many times. But I thought I could handle it on my own. And... I thought if I told you, you would see everything the Council said about me was true."

"In some places, times and ways, yes, that's an adult. In the place and time you were in, it was not." He'd still been responsible for Anakin. He finished up the bandaging and then sat back and stopped touching him again. "You had no reason to believe I'd ever... protect you from the Council."

Edited 2020-03-09 03:14 (UTC)

Just a moment before, Obi-Wan had hit on why Anakin would believe what he had.

But that wasn't the point.

"The point is, I didn't tell you and I tried to handle it on my own for whatever reason. And I failed. Horribly."

Anakin wasn't ready to give up touch. He reached a hand for Obi-Wan's face.

"And I was eaten up inside by guilt and the idea that I was worthless and didn't deserve to even try for something better. I thought I had to fix it on my own because I made the choice on my own."

Oh, yes. He knew why. He also knew why this conversation was dragging back around to helping him rather than addressing the reality of the situation.

It had very much been his doing, on every single level from start to finish.

"Do you have something particular you would like to do, or for me to do, or for me to accept you doing?"

It wasn't sarcastic, but he couldn't think of a single thing that would help. He'd accept basically anything Anakin wanted. He also wanted to tear his own heart out, but recognized that wasn't useful and that Anakin had a point.

In theory.

In practice, though?

What in Hoth was there?

That Obi-Wan didn't pull away from Anakin's touch this time was heartening.

"Believe me when I say you're not worthless. That you deserve love, still. That you're not a failure. Let yourself heal from this- don't fight it. Don't try to do this alone. You deserve- have always deserved someone to be by your side."

Anakin wiped a tear away with his thumb, even if more still fell.

"Let me help you."

He... vaguely believed some scattered bits and pieces of various portions of that - an erratic, messy patchwork that was a long way from being complete.

If he could have flipped a switch and just believed it, he would have. Because he didn't want to frustrate or hurt Anakin anymore, and he was intelligent enough to recognize that... failing Anakin again wouldn't make up for failing him to begin with.

That wasn't really how belief worked, though, so it was more a matter of not arguing with the principals and not allowing himself to retreat from Anakin. To do the best he could to limit how much Anakin hurt, knowing that that involved not intentionally hurting himself more (and not letting what did show). Letting Anakin help.

...Yeah, he'd never felt more fundamentally worthless in his life, and he still didn't really regret it because Anakin was alive. He still couldn't let go of Anakin, either.

"Okay." He realized he was crying when Anakin touched him and after a couple of too-fast blinks managed to mostly stop himself. "We should get cleaned up and sleep. We're going to have to figure out what to do with this ship. Especially after that message you sent."

Anakin wasn't opposed to any of that. But he had to say first, "Next time you feel like crying, don't try to stop yourself. It's okay, let yourself cry for a moment. It really does help."

Then he dropped his hand to Obi-Wan's.

"Do you want me to join you, or wait until you are done?" This was one of the rare opportunities where the shower was big enough for the both of them.

Was he going to cry the next time he felt like it? Maybe, maybe not. Honestly if he noticed that he wanted to cry in time to actively prevent it, he'd be ahead of where he was no simply for having recognized the feeling.

"I don't have a strong opinion either way." He didn't particularly want to be alone. He also didn't particularly want company. He also didn't not want to be alone or not want company.

He just mostly felt... heavy and flat. Anakin touching him was a thing he was accepting again and found ... grounding and nice, even if he wasn't returning it. "I'm sorry."

"I know," Anakin said. Obi-Wan didn't need to explain what he was sorry for right now. Anakin would ask him later, when they talked more, just so Obi-Wan could acknowledge it.

Right now, he saw that Obi-Wan was putting a decision in his hands - and this reaction to falling and coming back, Anakin knew so well. After the Raiders, Anakin had been so paralyzed by his fear of making the wrong choice, he'd almost not gone for Obi-Wan on Geonosis.

Anakin made a choice for him.

He stood up, pulling Obi-Wan's hand with him, tugging him to stand up.

"C'mon. Shower and then sleep."

Don't make it an open ended question and not be prepared for an exhaustive answer.... He was sorry for a lot.

Including not having a real preference or knowing what to do with himself.

He stood up when Anakin did, before there was too much of a tug there, and followed him into the bathroom.

He turned the water on, then started stripping out of his clothes without any hesitation on that level. His desire to get clean he was at least sure of and he could get physically clean, at least.

"How did you get out of the interrogation room?"

While he stripped, Anakin said, "I took my arm off, then blew up one of the Inquisitor's lightsabers, and with that distraction, I used the pointy parts of my metal arm to stab the other Inquisitor."

You know, as you do.

He was fine with the subject change. They would work on Obi-Wan's mental health needs a little at a time. Rome wasn't built in a day, as the saying he knew went, and Jedi didn't fix their minds in a day either.

He stepped into the shower, grateful the water was already hot. He stepped in far enough that Obi-Wan would have room.

"I should probably find some disinfectant and soak my arm in it."

He really wondered sometimes how he'd become so completely Jedi, while also so completely failing at being what a Jedi was supposed to be.

He wasn't wondering much just then, too busy slinking into the shower and under the water, which... okay yeah, that felt really, really good. Good enough that breathing got easier, even if it had never really felt particularly hard.

"I didn't realize your arm had parts that were that pointy, but yes, if it's been inside an Inquisitor, I'd want to soak it, too. I'm sure there are supplies onboard. We can track something down after we nap." He liked these little mundane things. They felt... useful and achievable.

"Well, some parts, and anything is pointy when you stab with enough force," Anakin pointed out.

Yes, the hot water was more than good, even Anakin hadn't realized how good it would feel.

"Hey," he said, stepping closer. "Can I have a hug?" It was for himself, yes, but also for Obi-Wan.

He absolutely snorted at that remark about them being pointy enough with enough force. He was not okay but his appreciation for smart-ass remarks had gone nowhere and this qualified. It extra qualified because it was also true.

He blinked at Anakin coming in closer and he... pulled himself in, without actually moving before he entirely registered the question. Once he did he relaxed again, but - "You can have anything you want." From him anyway, but still - "Of course you can."

...He was just going to have to make contact first.

Not rejecting him outright was enough for Anakin, even if Obi-Wan withdrew as Anakin had stepped closer. Small steps. Anakin could make the first contact.

And he did, stepping closer still and slowly pulling Obi-Wan into an embrace.

Something in Anakin relaxed then that he didn't acknowledged he was holding in so tightly. It had started when Obi-Wan wouldn't let him get close when they were purifying the crystals. It was the fear that Obi-Wan would never let this happen again. Tears stung his eyes as relief washed over him and he didn't try to stop them. The shower was probably the best place to cry.

He wrapped his arms around Anakin and held him back. It felt... wrong - like he was doing something fundamentally wrong. The strength of Anakin's relief was too powerful, too clear, too directly felt in his mind, to be ignored.

He trusted Anakin more than himself, and that meant he just sort of shakily tried to push his own uneasiness aside and just held Anakin while he -- maybe cried? In the shower he really couldn't quite tell, and rubbed his back slowly.

"It's going to be okay...."

Anakin felt how Obi-Wan felt this was wrong and this is what broke Anakin's heart because it meant he had to do something that hurt.

Everything he touched turned out like this - wrong, broken, damaged, destroyed. He thought this time, now that he had control of his mind more strongly, things might be different. But he was wrong - he'd clearly broken Obi-Wan, not like before, in a different way.

Of course this was wrong - it went against everything the Jedi taught.

Attachments were bad; maybe, if you could use the Force, you just couldn't have them? Look what it had done to him? And now Obi-Wan? And every fucking Force user that ever fell in love. (Except Leia who seemed better at life than anyone.)

Anakin knew what he had to do.

"Obi-Wan, stop. I'm fine," he said, stepping back. "I'll wait until you're done. Then take my own shower."

Maybe, just maybe, the Jedi had a point about Force users - powerful, trained ones - not having deep personal attachments.

And maybe they were full of shit and just broke people to the degree that it made love and human connection feel like a thing to be apologized for.

Maybe the truth was somewhere between the two and it really didn't matter right now because there were no Jedi here.

"No."

One word, but hard as hell and flat and actually pretty angry sounding. Because he was still bouncing from one extreme to the other and couldn't find any ground in the middle and the options were broken and guilty and pissed off and afraid, but - Ok.

"Why?"

It was simple. “I’m not going to force anything on you that you think is wrong.”

And Anakin realized he’d unfairly used the mental connections they’d forged to get that information. It was passively done, but unfair all the same. He would have to draw back from that somehow.

"Oh, well, if we aren't going to do anything that feels wrong to me, I suppose we're going back to Tatooine and sitting there until we both die. Wonderful idea."

He paused, briefly, frustrated and angry and hurting but hurting because Anakin was hurting and he did not want Anakin to withdraw and nothing - nothing - felt right except being mad, and that was the thing he intellectually knew was wrong.

"You aren't forcing. You asked. I agreed. I wanted that hug. You wanted it. Now Come back here."

Anakin wasn’t afraid of anger, he understood it all too well, especially after a day like today; he was just afraid of how it was affecting Ovi-Wan.

He did step closer, but not exactly into a full embrace again.

“I think I’m going to need to hear you say out loud what you want for a little while. I don’t care if you yell it at me. I just need to hear that you’re okay with it.”

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