darkforcerising | OPEN POST

"No." It was confidently sure, but it was also gentle. He closed his eyes again, and turned a bit onto his side so he could wrap himself around Anakin a little more, and properly hold him.

"I don't want to get stuck in a... cycle of dependence." That applied to Anakin, too, but in Anakin's case at least there was a necessary gate keeper. He wasn't upset about it, though. "My mind will eventually catch up with my body." Probably, anyway. "Why don't you just talk to me. Do you have a plan for this thing?"

Anakin wanted to say that using sedatives once wasn’t a cycle of dependency, and that the nightmares just wouldn’t go away on their own. He still had nightmares of his own.

But it was Obi-Wan’s body, and his health wasn’t too impacted by not sleeping right now.

Anakin hooked a leg over Obi-Wan’s and held him close and talked into his hair.

“Well, it will need a crew. And a lot more fuel that the other ship. I have...” he wasn’t sure how to explain the idea he had in his mind. It might hurt Obi-Wan to hear it, which was why he was holding back.

He knew the nightmares wouldn't go away - just like he suspected, just as strongly, that now that he'd turned toward the Dark once there would always be a draw toward it.

But at some point his body would give out and take his mind down with it, and while that wasn't an ideal... it wasn't going to be avoided entirely by using sedatives. Better to save sedation for those times that his physical health and sanity were necessary to serve their cause, than now.

He could sense the reluctance and the fact that it came from concern for him, but he assumed everything was going to hurt for a while, accepted that as a given and wanted to know anyway. "You have what?"

In Anakin’s opinion, his half formed idea wasn’t bad, but he wasn’t attached to the concept of being a Jedi as Obi-Wan was, or had been.

“I think the Jedi Order should change.”

This ship wasn’t directly linked to that idea, it was now just part of it because they took it today. He didn’t form this idea around making the Jedi militaristic.

“... What if the Order wasn’t just for Force users, but just people who wanted to devote themselves to the tenets of the Order because they believed in them?”

"Yoda already said that the Order needed to change, and he was right." Before they'd separated there'd been a conversation about the necessity of that, and how much of their downfall had been in not changing while the Sith - and galaxy, he'd extrapolated himself, had.

He felt compelled to say that, because it was true.

But looking deeply into Anakin's eyes, holding eye-contact, what he actually thought himself was said with feeling. "I do not give a single, solitary fuck what becomes of the Jedi Order."

Edited 2020-03-09 22:43 (UTC)

That was not the response Anakin had expected.

It would have been funny if it wasn’t so out of character for Obi-Wan that it was sort of chilling.

“What do you mean?” he asked, quietly, but not trying to sound accusatory or upset about it. He was just concerned about Obi-Wan.

Was there a non-alarming way for him to say this? Did he have the energy and coherence to find that method and employ it, if he did?

He didn't know.

"I mean that I told Yoda I would happily spend the rest of my life on Tatooine, watching over Luke from a distance and I very much meant that. For the most part I still do. I love you. I love Luke and Leia. I want to see you all survive and to live happy, fulfilling lives where the Empire is just another bad memory. I will do any and everything in my power to ensure that happens. My Order is dead. What rises in its place... belongs to other people. Resurrect it as a brothel if you want."

Obi-Wan’s Order was dead, and he, Anakin, had killed it. He knew Obi-Wan had not meant it that way, but it was how he took it because he couldn’t not accept responsibility for doing it. Actions had consequences, and this, all that Obi-Wan had said, was one of the consequences Anakin had to accept.

Quietly, he settled back down, kissed Obi-Wan’s hair gently, and said, “I’m sorry.”

He stroked his fingers lightly along Anakin's shoulder, then traced as far along his side as he could reach, his touch light and gentle.

"It wasn't your fault, Anakin. In the end it wasn't really even Palpatine or the Sith's. What the Jedi Order fell to was its own tradition, history, and resistance to change. Evolve or die applies to everything. Including the Order."

Including him, even, because he still didn't really know how to change. He was... almost a throwback, even before he'd fallen. He didn't fit in very many places. Where he did fit was... with Anakin, mostly.

"You have an opportunity with your children, to make it into something better. Don't hesitate. It'll be good for you and the galaxy."

Edited 2020-03-09 23:24 (UTC)

Anakin closed his eyes and welcomed Obi-Wan’s touch. He tried to accept what Obi-Wan said, if that’s how Obi-Wan interpreted what had happened. Though of course he wouldn’t be Anakin if he didn’t still feel guilt for the part he’d played. He could accept Obi-Wan’s interpretations enough to not argue with him.

“I love you,” he said softly. Was now the right time to spell it out so clearly? It felt like it.

They were both going to die still feeling guilty for things that the other did not blame them for. Accepting that there was a lack of blame was probably as good as it could reasonably be expected to get.

Anakin accepting even that this was truly his interpretation was enough.

"I love you, too."

Yeah. Now was the right time.

Anakin smiled, and he opened that feeling a little bit to Obi-Wan in the Force. He didn't want to overwhelm Obi-Wan, just wanted him to know that hearing the feeling reciprocated made him happy.

"What do you want to do with this ship?"

Now that he was properly thinking about it, he started thinking militaristically, sort of. He wondered how many planets would follow Alderaan if it openly took a stand against the Empire (and to do that, Alderaan needed defenses). He knew without a doubt Mon Cala would follow, and they had one of the biggest shipyards in the Empire. He was also certain Chandrila and Hosnian would, too. Naboo was currently held loyal to the Empire by Moff Panaka, but if they helped remove him...

It was nice feeling that he'd made Anakin happy. He left his hand in place where it was and closed his eyes again.

"I don't know," he admitted. "I feel this is an opportunity to continue to push the Empire fully onto the defensive, but how best to make that happen is beyond me at the moment. I'm tempted to give the thing to Bail and be done with it, but if it outs Alderaan and puts his people at risk before he's prepared I fear the only thing I will accomplish is losing a friend."

"Then maybe we should ask Senator Organa," Anakin pointed out. "He'd be the best one to answer that."

Anakin moved his hand to card slowly through Obi-Wan's hair.

"We can station it with the prison ship for now."

The hand in his hair made him feel heavy and tired again and his eyes drifted shut under it. He also turned and... nuzzled, nearly, toward Anakin's shoulder.

"Even partially outfitted it can also protect the prison ship...."

Anakin grinned, even if Obi-Wan couldn't see it.

"There'll be starfighters." That's what he immediately thought of. "And at least one shuttle." The Inquisitors did come aboard in some kind of vessel.

"Keep petting my hair," he said, softly, using that as much as he could do sort of... count himself down and in the place of meditation.

"Yes. Starfighters. Shuttles. The destroyer itself. You... No, I really can't regret this. I think we might actually win this, Anakin."

Anakin obliged and set a steady, slow pace, brushing his hand through Obi-Wan's hair.

"I don't regret stealing this ship. And I don't regret loving you."

"The outcome is overall positive on both counts, and regret isn't productive anyway. You're alive and safe for the time being. That's the most important thing."

In some ways that's the ONLY important thing. Some ways being 'to him' though he realized there was a bigger picture.

"You're alive and safe for the time being," Anakin pointed out. "That's just as important. To me."

"You told me to survive." He shrugs, slightly. "There was never any chance that I'd do anything else."

Anakin's hand pauses for a second, and then continues to weave through Obi-Wan's hair.

"Are you saying that all I have to do is ask you to do something, and you'll do it?"

"If it was at all reasonable and important to you? Of course I would." SOmething truly important to Anakin and not absolutely unreasonable or dangerous. So within limits but... yes.

"I'm glad you think asking you to survive is reasonable," Anakin said. There might have been a playful hint to his voice. To seal it, he kissed the top of Obi-Wan's head.

He yawned and curled in to Anakin, wrapping around him more tightly. "More reasonable than shoving me off a cliff...."

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