darkforcerising | OPEN POST

Part of Anakin held back because he didn’t want Obi-Wan to see him differently. Even after everything Obi-Wan already knew.

“I was there. It wasn’t my project and I didn’t give a shit about it. Tarkin and another military leader messed up plugging the leak about its existence and the flaw in the design, and that’s what I was there to deal with - their failure. Leia was part of the Rebels that stole the information. Because of her, Tarkin made Alderaan an example of what the weapon could do...

“I was there, but I didn’t care, and I didn’t stop it.”

He wrapped both arms around Anakin, though very loosely. He didn't want Anakin to feel confined right now.

He thought, too, about holding back. Because of the potential to make things difficult for Anakin, and less so for himself. In the end, though, he really was still himself and didn't.

"I miss Anakin." His Anakin, he means. "The longer this goes, the more angry I am at Vader, for what he is doing and what he has already done to you - but the more I understand. 19 years.... I'm very nearly glad for his sake that he felt nothing. For yours, the only thing I'm glad about is the opportunity to stop it and, I hope, help lighten those memories, if only a little."

Anakin pulled Obi-Wan in closer, tighter. He didn't need caution right now, though he understood why Obi-Wan did it. And funnily enough, Obi-Wan being Obi-Wan was soothing all in it own way.

"I'm sorry you lost him," he said. "I'm sorry Palpatine took him away from you. If I could bring him back for you, I would." And Anakin meant every word of it. Obi-Wan deserved so much more than this hut on a trash planet, everything he'd ever loved taken away from him.

"I'm not opposed to the plan, but it frightens me... I guess it should."

When Anakin showed him what he wanted - or rather, right now, needed - Obi-Wan responded. He wrapped his arms tighter around Anakin and held onto him with steady strength.

He snorted, almost delicately, and shook his head a bit. He wouldn't let Anakin, for a lot of reasons. It wasn't a place he wanted to go and-

"It should scare us both, but we have years. It is entirely possible that we will be able to find another solution, as we gather more resources. Having a plan is good. That doesn't mean we won't keep looking for another."

Anakin wanted another solution. Hoped one would present itself.

The cold was now finally getting to him. He held Obi-Wan tighter.

“Should probably go back inside, before Tatooine kills us.”

He kissed Anakin, warmly but largely chastely, and took him inside to bed, where they could be warm.

He fell asleep tangled up loosely with Anakin, feeling him breathe but with thoughts of planet destroying weapons and Sith Worlds and... Vader circling his mind, making a puzzle that he didn't have enough pieces to solve.

Whether it was those thoughts of the Force deciding to scream a warning at him, his sleep wasn't peaceful for long.

His dream had more vividness and more clarity than any dream should ever have.

Everything hurt - everything. His back was on fire, his head throbbed, his throat hurt, his vision swam, and every breath sent a shocking stab of pain through his chest, with a deeper ache underneath. It was the sort of all encompassing sickening agony that transcended even being called pain anymore.

His vision swam into focus and he watched with detached fascination as a drop of blood fell on dull gray deck plates. Just as he realized he was on his knees and registered the hum of an engine, somewhere, the second drop fell and landed on a highly reflective black boot and he heard the harsh rasp of a respirator.

He started to look up but then both arms were yanked up with invisible force, dislocating both shoulders and forcing his head down.

He heard the hiss of a lightsaber igniting, saw the glow of red, thought execution position quite coherently, felt the air displaced by the swing, the first crackle of energy and heat against his exposed neck-

And jolted awake in the dark, heart racing, panting for air and clinging to Anakin hard.

It was impossible to not feel the Force swelling around Obi-Wan, even from the haze of sleep. Images pierced through that fog, but it was the feelings that were the most vivid - dragging him awake - pain shooting down Obi-Wan’s head and spine, shoulders dislocating, searing pain at the back of Obi-Wan’s neck. But through all this, it felt like he, Anakin, was an observer from a great distance.

This wasn’t his dream - he was just caught in the swirl of the Force around Obi-Wan, the focal point.

With frantic urgency Anakin woke up a fraction of a second after Obi-Wan. He reached out immediately - with his left hand, having enough foresight, or force of habit to lead with the hand that was least Vader-like.

He didn’t have to think about it for long. He knew what had just happened. Force visions were the worst.

“Obi-Wan,” he said, voice only slow because of sleep. “I’m here. I’m here.”

He grabbed Anakin's wrist and held it far harder than he would have in a more coherent state of mind. Not enough to do damage, probably not even bruise, but grind the relatively small bones in his wrist together? Yes.

It took him a second to process not only where he was, but to convince his mind that he was not still in pain and was in fact just fine. It took a bit longer to start seeing and hearing now.

It took him quite a bit longer than either of those to unclench his jaw and take a normal breath.

"Well, someone's mad...."

Nausea would be sticking around for a while. "Are you all right?"

Priorities.

Edited 2020-01-19 18:36 (UTC)

Obi-Wan, Anakin thought gently. “I’m fine.” He could take a bit of wrist gripping.

Now that Obi-Wan was more aware of his surroundings and not likely to be startled, Anakin moved to hold him.

“Who’s mad?” He didn’t want to make any assumptions. Whenever he had Force visions, he’d just wanted people to hear him and believe him. He would start there.

It took him a second or so to realize that being held meant he could hold Anakin, and that somehow made it more acceptable to his mind. He shuddered pretty hard as he started to physically relax.

"Vader. Vader is angry."

Anakin had guessed that. There were only two options here.

He didn't know if he was more relieved that the vision didn't involve Palpatine, or more concerned that Obi-Wan had another vision about Vader... killing him? He was sure that was the substance of the vision in a general sense.

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

He shook his head mutely, at first, still working on handling his nausea. Once it was pushed back and he was aware of things like 'the bed under them' instead of just being awake.

"Only when you manage to separate yourself from him. I am not giving you more reason to hate yourself. You've had quite enough of that today."

He was starting to get concerned. He was not, however, trying to find a way to prevent it. They'd pass or he would, but Qui-Gon had managed to eventually drill him into paying more attention to the now than the future.

...He should have been able to do that for Anakin.

"Obi-Wan..." He got it. He'd had to take time to pick apart his emotions and reassemble them in the past. And he knew he would in the future. That was the reality of his brain and memories, it was unfair, but it was what it was.

But he didn't want Obi-Wan putting aside his own needs for fear it would hurt him. He got to choose what he could handle.

"I'm not going to push you... But if you need someone to help you process this, don't hold back because of me. I know what it's like to be in your place and to rationalize not telling others. It was a mistake." He tried to think of alternatives. "If you need to go spend time on the Jedi ship or meet with Bail, I can stay here." And watch out for the Lars from afar.

He almost just straight up argues with Anakin. Instead he nuzzles his face down into Anakin's hair and breathes out in a warm, soft, huff.

"Help me," he says, slowly, "and explain what I'm trying to accomplish in that first."

...Jedi.

Anakin often has a point, he's learning and realizing that more and more, but... Jedi. 'redirect your focus around or past it' is what he knows.

It’s a good thing Obi-Wan couldn’t see the small smile on Anakin’s face over Obi-Wan’s mannerisms. The man would ask him to explain human psychology.

“Well...” he thought about it. He was just so practiced at therapy, he’d stopped thinking about the why.

“It’s like the breathing exercise I do- name five things I can see. Naming out loud the facts of the experience centers it in reality. It brings a self awareness to what happened that oddly is more difficult if you just only think about it. Knowing thing one and thing two happened and you had these certain feelings about it can then help you ask the question ’why’ you responded to the experience the way you did. And from there, you can move forward with action - what do I do with this information about myself, what do I need now that I’ve experienced this, what can’t be achieved now but can later if I do other things first...

“There are things brains do to protect themselves from pain, like how the immune system fights infection. Sometimes brains over respond, similar to something like allergies or auto-immune diseases. Talking to someone who knows what those neurological responses are can help prevent or counter the over-correction. But even talking to someone you trust can help.”

He moved so he could look at Obi-Wan, and he him. He brought a hand to Obi-Wan’s face.

“There is strength in the comfort of being supported.”

He listened to everything Anakin had to say, though he did so with his eyes closed until the moment Anakin touched his face.

It sounded absolutely reasonable. It also sounded like complete and utter nonsense.

He opened his eyes to the touch, though, and slid his fingers over Anakin's cheek. Really, the 'tie breaker' in which reaction will win out and determine his action is that Anakin is asking him to try. It isn't as though he was going to sleep again tonight.

"After Mustafar and until we stopped Luminara the dream was very consistent and not distressing." For him, anyway. "It was clearly relatively far in the future, and it was fairly clear to me that I was both going to lose the fight but had chosen to end it on my terms." That salute with the sword. "Once we rescued Luminara, the dream changed - and has continued to change, with nearly every successful mission we complete."

...He was working up to this dream, but an effort was being made.

Anakin knew that death, his memories were intimately familiar with it in ways that made him sick. It was another horrible thing he and Obi-Wan had shared.

He was concerned about the fact that the dream had changed.

They were changing things.

How much?

He reached for Obi-Wan’s hand and threaded their fingers. Reassurance that Obi-Wan could go on.

Perhaps strangely he reached with his free hand, to drag his fingers over the scars on Anakin's upper right arm. Over the tattoo that had been scarred.

Or perhaps it wasn't that strange. It was a thing that uniquely marked Anakin as Anakin.

"Death in them is becoming more...." He trailed off and searched for words. At that point he actually did begin having an emotional response and processing, rather than reporting. Didn't stop his hand on Anakin, didn't show much in his voice, but there was some general distress - some remembered from the visions themselves, some in response to the visions existing.

He paused, took a breath and started over. "Death in them is becoming less controlled and deliberate and more intimate. It's no longer... that clean. Before this dream it was only a matter of there being a more protracted fight and losing rather than quitting. More... struggle. This one was-"

He kind of hit the wall, both for his own sake and Anakin's. Give him a second, and he'd back up and try again.

Edited 2020-01-19 21:45 (UTC)

When he felt Obi-Wan's distress, he nudged back in the Force. I'm here. He would be, he decided, no matter what Obi-Wan said about Vader, he would stay, right here. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

Not for the first time did he wish for some actual therapists to help them - he would argue all the Jedi they'd rescued needed them.

"It's personal?" He tried to keep his emotions out of his voice. Because, unfortunately, he actually knew Vader's desire in this respect and as usual, he felt all the shame and guilt that came with his memories. He was starting to get a clear picture of something that he felt he should have just simply understood earlier. But That was a thought for another moment.

"That was an execution at the end of a very long, and very personal torture session." It's said pretty damn bluntly, because there is no other way to say it.

And he sounded flat, but in a tired, sad sort of way. It was upsetting more than frightening. He wasn't afraid of either death or torture, but --

It was more complicated than that, because of who was doing it.

He also leaned, though not heavily, into Anakin's presence in the force.

The future was always in motion was basically a bullshit weapon to use in defense against Force visions like that.

"I believe you."

He didn't need to press for details, he knew just how brutal Vader could be at torturing someone. But if Obi-Wan wanted to talk about it, he would be there.

"We're not going to let that happen." Anakin said decidedly, with conviction and reassurance. And he didn't say I, because no, they were a team - the Team. Obi-Wan didn't have to go through this alone. And neither did he.

"I know. As unpleasant as the experience itself," he said, in weary understatement, "it is evidence that we are changing things. We simply need to continue to change them."

He might actually leave Anakin. It wouldn't be voluntary if he did though, and that included being over accepting of the potential for any given outcome leading to his own death.

If Anakin tried to back off or stop though-

They were going to argue.

If Anakin could discern those thoughts, he'd certainly have words.

"It's also evidence what we are doing is working. We have to do more. While keeping you alive..." There was no question about that.

He thought about that moment of clarity he'd had before.

"I... know how Sith work. We should be using that. I should be telling you more of what I know."

"That's what I meant to imply, but I'm grateful for the confirmation." He truly was.

He stroked his thumb over Anakin's arm again, and - "Can you?" It would be useful, but he.. still didn't want to upset Anakin. No more than necessary, anyway.

"Obi-Wan," and this was the thing he'd put together: "We are holding back because we think we are going to hurt each other. We need to stop doing that. There's a way to do this, to not hold back, but in a way we won't hurt each other. There are routines to it, too, and I know you like routines."

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