darkforcerising | OPEN POST

Obi-Wan, Anakin thought gently. “I’m fine.” He could take a bit of wrist gripping.

Now that Obi-Wan was more aware of his surroundings and not likely to be startled, Anakin moved to hold him.

“Who’s mad?” He didn’t want to make any assumptions. Whenever he had Force visions, he’d just wanted people to hear him and believe him. He would start there.

It took him a second or so to realize that being held meant he could hold Anakin, and that somehow made it more acceptable to his mind. He shuddered pretty hard as he started to physically relax.

"Vader. Vader is angry."

Anakin had guessed that. There were only two options here.

He didn't know if he was more relieved that the vision didn't involve Palpatine, or more concerned that Obi-Wan had another vision about Vader... killing him? He was sure that was the substance of the vision in a general sense.

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

He shook his head mutely, at first, still working on handling his nausea. Once it was pushed back and he was aware of things like 'the bed under them' instead of just being awake.

"Only when you manage to separate yourself from him. I am not giving you more reason to hate yourself. You've had quite enough of that today."

He was starting to get concerned. He was not, however, trying to find a way to prevent it. They'd pass or he would, but Qui-Gon had managed to eventually drill him into paying more attention to the now than the future.

...He should have been able to do that for Anakin.

"Obi-Wan..." He got it. He'd had to take time to pick apart his emotions and reassemble them in the past. And he knew he would in the future. That was the reality of his brain and memories, it was unfair, but it was what it was.

But he didn't want Obi-Wan putting aside his own needs for fear it would hurt him. He got to choose what he could handle.

"I'm not going to push you... But if you need someone to help you process this, don't hold back because of me. I know what it's like to be in your place and to rationalize not telling others. It was a mistake." He tried to think of alternatives. "If you need to go spend time on the Jedi ship or meet with Bail, I can stay here." And watch out for the Lars from afar.

He almost just straight up argues with Anakin. Instead he nuzzles his face down into Anakin's hair and breathes out in a warm, soft, huff.

"Help me," he says, slowly, "and explain what I'm trying to accomplish in that first."

...Jedi.

Anakin often has a point, he's learning and realizing that more and more, but... Jedi. 'redirect your focus around or past it' is what he knows.

It’s a good thing Obi-Wan couldn’t see the small smile on Anakin’s face over Obi-Wan’s mannerisms. The man would ask him to explain human psychology.

“Well...” he thought about it. He was just so practiced at therapy, he’d stopped thinking about the why.

“It’s like the breathing exercise I do- name five things I can see. Naming out loud the facts of the experience centers it in reality. It brings a self awareness to what happened that oddly is more difficult if you just only think about it. Knowing thing one and thing two happened and you had these certain feelings about it can then help you ask the question ’why’ you responded to the experience the way you did. And from there, you can move forward with action - what do I do with this information about myself, what do I need now that I’ve experienced this, what can’t be achieved now but can later if I do other things first...

“There are things brains do to protect themselves from pain, like how the immune system fights infection. Sometimes brains over respond, similar to something like allergies or auto-immune diseases. Talking to someone who knows what those neurological responses are can help prevent or counter the over-correction. But even talking to someone you trust can help.”

He moved so he could look at Obi-Wan, and he him. He brought a hand to Obi-Wan’s face.

“There is strength in the comfort of being supported.”

He listened to everything Anakin had to say, though he did so with his eyes closed until the moment Anakin touched his face.

It sounded absolutely reasonable. It also sounded like complete and utter nonsense.

He opened his eyes to the touch, though, and slid his fingers over Anakin's cheek. Really, the 'tie breaker' in which reaction will win out and determine his action is that Anakin is asking him to try. It isn't as though he was going to sleep again tonight.

"After Mustafar and until we stopped Luminara the dream was very consistent and not distressing." For him, anyway. "It was clearly relatively far in the future, and it was fairly clear to me that I was both going to lose the fight but had chosen to end it on my terms." That salute with the sword. "Once we rescued Luminara, the dream changed - and has continued to change, with nearly every successful mission we complete."

...He was working up to this dream, but an effort was being made.

Anakin knew that death, his memories were intimately familiar with it in ways that made him sick. It was another horrible thing he and Obi-Wan had shared.

He was concerned about the fact that the dream had changed.

They were changing things.

How much?

He reached for Obi-Wan’s hand and threaded their fingers. Reassurance that Obi-Wan could go on.

Perhaps strangely he reached with his free hand, to drag his fingers over the scars on Anakin's upper right arm. Over the tattoo that had been scarred.

Or perhaps it wasn't that strange. It was a thing that uniquely marked Anakin as Anakin.

"Death in them is becoming more...." He trailed off and searched for words. At that point he actually did begin having an emotional response and processing, rather than reporting. Didn't stop his hand on Anakin, didn't show much in his voice, but there was some general distress - some remembered from the visions themselves, some in response to the visions existing.

He paused, took a breath and started over. "Death in them is becoming less controlled and deliberate and more intimate. It's no longer... that clean. Before this dream it was only a matter of there being a more protracted fight and losing rather than quitting. More... struggle. This one was-"

He kind of hit the wall, both for his own sake and Anakin's. Give him a second, and he'd back up and try again.

Edited 2020-01-19 21:45 (UTC)

When he felt Obi-Wan's distress, he nudged back in the Force. I'm here. He would be, he decided, no matter what Obi-Wan said about Vader, he would stay, right here. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

Not for the first time did he wish for some actual therapists to help them - he would argue all the Jedi they'd rescued needed them.

"It's personal?" He tried to keep his emotions out of his voice. Because, unfortunately, he actually knew Vader's desire in this respect and as usual, he felt all the shame and guilt that came with his memories. He was starting to get a clear picture of something that he felt he should have just simply understood earlier. But That was a thought for another moment.

"That was an execution at the end of a very long, and very personal torture session." It's said pretty damn bluntly, because there is no other way to say it.

And he sounded flat, but in a tired, sad sort of way. It was upsetting more than frightening. He wasn't afraid of either death or torture, but --

It was more complicated than that, because of who was doing it.

He also leaned, though not heavily, into Anakin's presence in the force.

The future was always in motion was basically a bullshit weapon to use in defense against Force visions like that.

"I believe you."

He didn't need to press for details, he knew just how brutal Vader could be at torturing someone. But if Obi-Wan wanted to talk about it, he would be there.

"We're not going to let that happen." Anakin said decidedly, with conviction and reassurance. And he didn't say I, because no, they were a team - the Team. Obi-Wan didn't have to go through this alone. And neither did he.

"I know. As unpleasant as the experience itself," he said, in weary understatement, "it is evidence that we are changing things. We simply need to continue to change them."

He might actually leave Anakin. It wouldn't be voluntary if he did though, and that included being over accepting of the potential for any given outcome leading to his own death.

If Anakin tried to back off or stop though-

They were going to argue.

If Anakin could discern those thoughts, he'd certainly have words.

"It's also evidence what we are doing is working. We have to do more. While keeping you alive..." There was no question about that.

He thought about that moment of clarity he'd had before.

"I... know how Sith work. We should be using that. I should be telling you more of what I know."

"That's what I meant to imply, but I'm grateful for the confirmation." He truly was.

He stroked his thumb over Anakin's arm again, and - "Can you?" It would be useful, but he.. still didn't want to upset Anakin. No more than necessary, anyway.

"Obi-Wan," and this was the thing he'd put together: "We are holding back because we think we are going to hurt each other. We need to stop doing that. There's a way to do this, to not hold back, but in a way we won't hurt each other. There are routines to it, too, and I know you like routines."

"We do need to stop holding back so much. We do not need to stop caring. If you have an idea for a routine that will make both of those things easier, or less contradictory, I will happily employ them."

Also he really did need to know more about the Sith.

"Same time, each day. For only a specific amount of time- we don't go over. We talk about one discret thing for that day. Checking in with each other often- I'll ask or you'll ask something like 'I'm checking in, do you want to keep going?' And if we need to stop because something is too much, we say it, and trust that the other person knows their own tolerance... like what we do with your wrists, but without the sex- unless you wanted to incorporate sex. I haven't thought through that permutation."

He looked up, tilting his head back trying to look at Obi-Wan from this impossible angle, because he anticipated how Obi-Wan would receive this: with resistance.

"I trust you."

He didn't like it. He was resistant. He was resistant because he... the desire to protect Anakin from the shit in his own head was intense. Anakin's phrasing, however, made it hard for him to.

If he admitted that, he would be saying that he didn't trust Anakin, and being positive Anakin had set things up that was intentionally changed nothing.

"I don't like it, but I trust you, too." Wait, that sounded wrong. He nudged an apology toward Anakin. "I don't like the idea overall, but I do trust you. Though if you manage to make discussions about Sith sexual, the entire deal is void."

Anakin knew he'd won before he felt the apology. But he took it, and wrapped it in appreciation with a bit of light humor and sent it back to Obi-Wan.

But he barked a laugh at Obi-Wan's final term. He shifted around so he could pull back and look at Obi-Wan straight on.

"I promise not to make that a challenge. And I hope you see that as a compromise on my part."

He grinned in a way that was actually a bit smug, in spite of the hour and cause they'd woken up and the nature of the discussion.

"I'd love to tell you to make it a challenge, but it's one where even winning would mean both of us losing." If he managed, they really really lost.

If he didn't Anakin lost.

Anakin smiled back, though it softened the longer the moment lasted. He did remember why they were talking about this, and why Obi-Wan woke up.

"I'm with you, Obi-Wan. Through all of this. I'm not going to leave you to deal with your visions on your own."

"Yes, yes, the mistake of the Jedi was allowing ourselves to be divided." He wasn't dismissive, he was grateful. He even got a hand in Anakin's hair and kissed him, slowly. "Though I'm still not sure there is any effective dealing with, I feel better."

"Do you want to sleep more or talk about Sith."

Not joking. He was awake. He'd agreed.

If Obi-Wan was going to insist on kissing him like that, it wasn't fair to then ask him to talk about Sith. Anakin was almost inclined to believe Obi-Wan had taken on the challenge of seeing if Anakin would break his promise.

"I'm glad you feel better."

He considered Obi-Wan's offer. And then he settled back down, his mouth not in range of any kisses.

"Just a bit, that will help with your vision."

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